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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to want to leave my depressed husband?

19 replies

mumofonetod · 24/03/2018 23:50

Bear with me, I’m about to sound super horrible but I’m not! D:

I’ve been married 2 years but with my husband for 10 and we have a 1.5 year old son together. The past year or so has been difficult financially and both of us have gone through major depression. I’d like to think I’m out the other end but hubby is nowhere near and every day is getting more and more difficult as he doesn’t want to do anything around the house/with our son. He hates work so doesn’t want to talk about it and anything we do talk about stems from negatively and self hatred Which is really getting me down. He spends all day playing stupid games on his console and phone and only does anything if actively asked to. The thing that’s gets to me is the level of anger and rudeness I’m dealing with at the mo - nothing I can’t handle usually but repeated snappy and snarky comments/replies and constant fishing for compliments only to throw them back at me makes cohabiting very difficult and I have lost all desire to even want to have a normal conversation with him for fear it will turn into negativity. I’m trying to stay away from depression so I don’t sink straight back into it but the worse my hubby gets the closer I get to sinking back and I don’t know what to do! D: Any advice appreciated TIA XX

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 25/03/2018 00:00

Ynbu. I know what it's like living with someone like that.

Original poster

mumofonetod · 25/03/2018 12:32

@purpleme12 good to know I’m not BU. It’s stifling 😔

OP posts:

pog100 · 25/03/2018 12:35

It isn't unreasonable to want a pleasant home life. If he is unable to see this and provide it, I think you should separate.

Slartybartfast · 25/03/2018 12:37

Yanbu

CheeseRollingChampion · 25/03/2018 12:42

Depression is an illness and it's treatable however there's a difference between ignoring it and taking steps to sort it.

Is he getting help? If he's sinking deeper he needs help and fast. Unless he's willing to get it and work with you to improve things then I can't see how living in that situation is sustainable.

I say that as someone who has had depression and has lived with someone who has it. You have to be a team, accept help and work together to get out the other side.

Dizzylin · 25/03/2018 12:45

My DH suffers from depression and has done since DD was born, 7 years ago. We've had some really hard times and I know exactly where you are coming from. Only once have I seriously considered leaving - when DH was just so awful to live with, he spoke me to like I was something he had trod in over a few weeks, I ended up talking to him and telling him I couldn't live like that and things improved. Thankfully he went to the docs and got help, unfortunately he probably won't ever be fully better but at the moment we are happy. Has your DH been to the docs? You are not BU to want a happy life x

wizzywig · 25/03/2018 12:46

Ive started to work on weekends as i cant bear it

Herewegoagainagain · 25/03/2018 13:49

You don't sound horrible at all OP. You sound sympathetic and understanding of him but also at the end of your own tether.

I had this with an ex and it just built and built. One day he sulked over me spending 'too long' on the phone to my brother (we were discussing a serious medical issue of my mother's) and he felt that his dinner was delayed and got stroppy that he wasn't a 'priority'. It was the end for me because it came after over 2 years of similar things and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.....

SusannahL · 25/03/2018 14:07

Depression is no excuse for aggression and rudeness aimed at the one person who is trying to help him.

Try to find a time when he is relatively calm and receptive op and explain just how upsetting and unacceptable his behaviour is.

If he doesn't make any effort to apologise to you and promise to treat you better then I think you have only one option.

You need to guard your own mental health after all.

HermioneWeasley · 25/03/2018 14:13

“Depression” is often an excuse for being a cunt.

Leave him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/03/2018 14:34

Is he actually diagnosed with depression and getting treatment for it? Or has he seen you be depressed and is trying to use 'depression' as an excuse for being a total cock?

Original poster

mumofonetod · 25/03/2018 15:07

Honestly everyone has hit the nail on the head here! He refuses to get help as there was ‘no point’ so when I was seeing my counsellor for my PND I was realising how his personality was really triggering my PND and I asked him to get help and he said he would and that was over a year ago........it doesn’t help that I earn quite a bit more than him and am comfy in a really stable job that I’ve been in for years and he hates his job so never wants to talk about work which is like sellotape on my mouth when I’ve got something positive to bring to the table! He’s gone through some serious stuff (years before we were together) that he never got help for and I feel like if I do leave him because he was ‘too depressed’im like the most evil person ever, but if he hasn’t gotten over this stuff by now I don’t think he ever will?! Tempted to organise a secret session and drive him there unknowingly but can’t be asked with the backlash afterwards ‘Youre showing me I’m such a bad person I couldn’t even organise my own therapy etc etc’

OP posts:

Dizzylin · 25/03/2018 16:15

One of the main reasons I've stayed with my DH is because he's been and got help, I honestly don't think we'd be together if he hadn't. Which area are you in, DH goes to a help group on Monday nights, they're called Andy's Man Club. They started locally but have groups all over the country now. It's basically groups of men who get together to discuss their issues, maybe something like this would help? Be honest with him and tell him that it's ruining your relationship and he needs to get help. Unfortunately if he doesn't admit he needs help there isn't a great deal you can do x

bringbacksideburns · 25/03/2018 16:20

Ultimatum time.

Either he goes and gets help this week - which it sounds like he should have got years ago, or you desperate because he ignores you and your baby.

What's the point of being together? He can find time to go on his games like a silky teen but doesn't want to take his child out for a walk to get done fresh air etc

It will drag you down and your child will then have two depressed parents who don't get on.

bringbacksideburns · 25/03/2018 16:21

Apologies for this stupid phone typing mistakes

DPotter · 25/03/2018 16:38

My heart goes out to you - have been exactly where you are and it's soul destroying. There definitely comes a point where you have to look to your mental health and the well-being of your child, over and above his mental health.
It may be time for some tough love - he gets help or you part ways. You have to mean it about parting and you have to be flexible about the type of help he seeks. My DP would only consider Relate as he said it was a relationship issue not a depression issue. I wasn't keen, but we were booked into the next available Relate slot, so fast his feet didn't touch the ground. The sessions did enable me to tell him (again) why I thought he was depressed and what the consequences would be if he didn't seek help and he had to listen and couldn't walk away, which was his usual way of ignoring the problem.
we are still together, but I am hyper vigilant about any negative remarks, sulks and silences.

Remember you can't change his behaviour, only how you re-act to his behaviour. Certainly don't feel you have to stay with him, if he refuses to seek help and his depression is pulling you down. You have a child to care for.

DairyisClosed · 25/03/2018 16:42

YANBU. Being depressed is not an excuse for being abusive.

Original poster

mumofonetod · 26/03/2018 11:19

Thanks guys some real good advice here I have been feeling like a terrible person but if he is this depressed perhaps he needs to see someone professionally and not bring the downer on the house. He actually got mad at our LO for waking him up at 6:30am which is a totally normal time but he wanted to lie in so got mad and I wanted to punch him

OP posts:

Kikashi · 26/03/2018 14:33

Are you prepared to leave? If so, I would talk to him, in a low calm voice and tell him that he HAS to get help from the GP ( you will make the appointment if need be) and that he MUST stop speaking to you in a derogatory fashion or you will end the relationship. You need to set some boundaries and keep to them.

If he realizes you are serious and he wants to save things - he'll get help and be more respectful to you. If not - then you have your answer.

You might find this Anne Sheffield book useful: www.amazon.co.uk/Depression-Fallout-Anne-Sheffield/dp/0060009349/ref=asap_bc?tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

There is also a depression fallout messageboard forum (General discussion) on taptalk:
www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/general-discussion-f1/

It's good that you are so aware of how his behaviour is impacting on you and that he could pull you into depression. Look to yourself and your DC. It's such a tough situation to be in.

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