DP moving out but acting like nothing's changed

[LeonardBobby]

My DP of 5 years told me that he wanted to split up before Christmas. He then went overseas to visit family until January, then in Feb told me that he was starting to look for somewhere else to live. Today he went "out for a drink with friends" and took with him passport, bank statements etc and I also spotted a completed tenancy application form. He's said nothing to me about it yet though apart from saying he was looking for a new place about 6 weeks ago.

Since he told me he wanted to separate, he's still slept in our bed even though we have a spare room, he's been affectionate and we've been getting along much better than before, no more bickering etc.

I'm in bits. I pictured the rest of my life with him. He hasn't always been easy to live with, leaves most of the housework to me and would blank me if I tried to discuss a subject he didn't want to talk about. But on the other hand, he's wonderful with a sense of humour that matches mine, he likes my body (which is far from most people's idea of ideal), he shares some of my geeky interests and has plenty of his own and I can't imagine ever finding someone who I can be as comfortable and relaxed as I am with him. I've always found affection hard to give and receive, but with him it came naturally to me.

He says that he can't see a future together and that we are just plodding along. We can either break up now, or keep going for a few more years and then break up. I think any relationship could get in a bit of a rut without some effort being put in, and I'm constantly having to bite my tongue to stop myself begging him to stay and to keep trying. He's right, we have been just plodding along - he's been unwell and tired and I've been short of money so not wanting to suggest things to do together but expecting him to pay all the time so we haven't been getting out of the house, doing fun things and enjoying our time together much. His health is improving and I'm hopefully starting a better paid job soon so I just want to ask him to stay now that things are looking up and we're being kinder to each other.

I don't really know what I want from this post. Maybe just some reassurance that I can keep going without him and one day life will feel ok again.

OP
Yes you can be happy again and absolutely life will be ok again,more than ok,life will be fantastic.!
You will find someone with whom you feel totally happy with and comfortable.
You've had a sharp shock from your soon to be ex dp,learn from any mistakes and take it forward into your happy New life.
With this new job to start and more income,get out there and live life to the full.
Enjoy being you,and start living your body too.
Good luck

Liking your body!

Thank you. You're right about learning from mistakes. I never told him I loved him, in case he didn't feel the same. I should have just said it - then if he didn't reciprocate at least we'd have both known much sooner we weren't on the same page and wouldn't have wasted all these years.

Knowing he's going, but him not talking about it or acting any differently is torture - I'm sure it'll get a bit easier in that respect once he's actually gone.

Move him to the spare room. Take control. Don't wait for him to choose, but choose for him.
Who owns your home? Whose tenancy is it?
Move his stuff, start to package it up. change the bed linen (buy new stuff if you can). Clear his stuff out of the wardrobe into the spare room. Start to rearrange stuff to your choice. Organise kitchen cupboards so your stuff is separate, treat him like a lodger.
He said he wanted to go, so take him at his word. Don't be trying to "win him back" get some dignity.
Don't cook for him, or doing his washing. Ask him when he's going and produce a housework rota until then. Make sure his share of bills is paid etc.
And start doing things for yourself - if just going out to a cafe and reading a good book.

You're right, he's made his choice so he should have to live with what that entails - no more hugs, washing done, meals, lifts etc. We're both on the tenancy agreement, so I may well have to move too if I can't find a new flatmate to share costs.

I won't ask him to stay - I know I mustn't do that. So much of my life has been centered round him, so yes, I do need to start doing things for me. And look forward to when he's gone and I can invite people round without having to either nag him into clearing up his mess or cleaning it myself.

He’s obviously moving on even if he says you can plod along. Seems clear he’s organised somewhere else to live. You need to sort yourself quick with how you’re going to finance your house when he goes, especially given he seems unwilling to discuss moving out openly. Bloody weird.

If he’s taken all those documents, and has not said he’s reconsidering the move- he’s still moving but enjoying that he still gets sex until he decides otherwise- and obviously has no intention of gi ing you the opportunity to sort out what you need to. He needs to move to the spare room, and have a timeframe agreed by you both. Of course it’s stress free- he sees sex with no commitment, you see a more relaxed DH because he now has no responsibility. I think you big see this very differently. You need to talk to him, and he needs to stop being allowed to have sex on tap until he’s made his decision.

I did ask him that - I commented that we'd been getting on much better recently and asked if it was because he was more relaxed now that the end is in sight. He said it was an awful question - I think it was probably spot on!