discouraging other people's infidelity?

[TurnAgainCat]

I took a married female good friend along as my guest to a work-related party last year, and one of my married male colleagues flirted outrageously with her, and when his wife came up (my friend had no idea he was married) he was rude to his wife and when the wife said she wanted to go home, he told her (right in front of us) to go away. This male colleague has a bit of a reputation (eg once had affair with very young new recruit whom he was managing, and male colleagues make jokes implying that he is unfaithful generally) but I never personally have had a problem with him, as I am very no-nonsense. He just gives me compliments on what I am wearing, and I say thank you frostily and that is that. I really don't know what is the extent of his infidelity, but definitely at least one affair and general gossip about him. His wife can be a bit stand offish with other women (wonder why!), but after a few years of knowing me, has become more relaxed, and although I don't know her well, I like her. I feel sorry for her because they have 3 kids and she has made career sacrifices for her husband, and he is disrespectful to her, although I don't know how bad the problem is. Anyway, after the party, my friend told me that he gone away and got her work phone number (where she worked had come up in their conversation) and left several messages for her to meet him for a drink. I warned her about what he is like, and she told me that she was not going to reply to him. Since then, all kinds of changes have happened and she is going through a very rough time, including getting divorced. I know that she is going through a really vulnerable and lonely period in her life. She told me that my work colleague has been in touch with her again. I told that I was sorry for being really blunt, but that I really didn't think it was right, because he is married, and I feel sorry for his wife, even if he is a philanderer and the wife tolerates it, and that I really didn't want him to take advantage of my friend at this time, because she really needed a friend, not someone like him. In a way it is nothing to do with me, but I feel involved because I introduced them, and I want to protect his wife, and I want to protect my friend from getting used by him. Is there anything I can do?

You have done your best to warn her off him and that's as much as you can/should do. You should keep in touch with her to support her as she is going through such a difficult time, and maybe she won't feel the need to give that man a chance if enough friends give her time and support. Or am I naive?

I think you've done everything you can, TAC. You have made your feelings plain to your friend, and if she goes ahead and starts a relationship with this rat, it won't be because you didn't warn her about him.
Please try not to feel implicated over how they met. It's not as though you invited your friend out specifically to meet him. Easier said than done though, I understand just how you feel, especially about the wife.

Agree with the other 2 TAC, there's nothing you can do. The man's a shit but it's not your fault. You warned him and her off, that's all you can do.

Hey, you have given her your advice.

Now all you can do is leave her to it. She may be vulnerable right now, but they are grown ups, and have to make their own mistakes. You won't be thanked, just seen as interfering.

You could also tell her that if she does pursue a relationship with him, you don't want to know about it as you would feel like an accessory and possibly feel the need to blurt it out to his wife. That would re-iterate your disapproval to her.

I agree that she needs to be kept busy and supported by as many friends as possible. I don't know how much time you have, but could you do something together with her like an exercise class, or an activity like taking your kids to the park regularly so that she's not on her own brooding? As Frenchgirl says, the more support she gets, hopefully, the less vulnerable she'll be to the idea of having an affair with this creep?

You could also point out to her that she would be playing a part in hurting 3 young and entirely innocent children. In my experience it is extremely unusual for children not to get hurt by this sort of irresponsible adult behaviour. Granted, it sounds like he's the instigator but she would be part of it too. It really sounds like she needs friends right now, not to get into a situation that perpetuates hurt all round.

Agree with Easy I'm afraid. You can't stop people making stupid mistakes and you've done all you can. If they are going to start something they will however much support and friendship you offer. Re-iterated disapproval won't help either and may give the whole thing a clandestine edge. Nasty! but people never do seem to see the consequences in these situations. Sorry for his wife, what an entire creep. Not your fault. Hope your friend is able to see his true colours for herself - I guess its flattering to be pursued when your confidence is low, but hope she can see beyond that. He treats his wife this way and yet they're still together, so there's not a lot in it for your friend except a momenary diversion and a lot of grief. Out of your hands though.

I know, I know, you are all right. Thanks for your comments. But, I hate standing back watching this happen, primarily because she has a sweet little child who had just seen his parents split up, and he has 3 sweet little children, all of whom inevitably will get upset when they see their mummies upset. I am torn between just saying that I don't want to know and getting out of it and stopping seeing her (I know that she was previously involved with a married man; I expressed disapproval and hope that it would be finished asap as she said she knew it was not going anywhere, and I used to pointedly avoid asking about it, except to say, was it over yet) and between feeling that I am so fond of her as a friend and want to see her and get her out and away from these various creeps, and want ds and I to be there as family friends for her and her little ds. I saw another friend week, who is single and childless, and was telling me about her latest love interests, and, as if it was a big joke, started telling me there had been two married men . I cut her off and said that I did not want to hear, and she protested that she had "only" been kissing them. Not sure if I can bring myself to be so mean to this friend at this time