My mother - yet again.

[Quiddichcup]

I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working. My mother is tricky/ controlling and we are still in a fall out of the last argument from the Friday before mothers day ( I had a thread in aibu)

We didn't talk for a week, which was nice. We started talking last weekend and it's now turned into a row again because dd has not been to see her after school since.

Now, dd doesn't want to go as the argument was awful, I've not seen mum since either and dd doesn't want to go round. Added to which this week she has been doing stuff after school.

So after a week of tense and huffy conversation ( from her side) she had a go at me because dd hasn't been round and apparently had a ' smirk on her face when she video called her on Monday ( she called over and over making dd get out of the shower to pick up the call.

I ended the call with mum nicely, said she needed to stop what she was saying or I would go. She didn't and I did.

I followed up with a text to say I didn't want to argue with her but she needs to stop having a go at me when things don't fit in with what she wants and explained dd has been busy.

Obviously I have had no reply and I'll now be looking at weeks of shit on top of the shit already.

I find it exhausting and upsetting. I haven't done anything. Dd hasn't either and I can't believe a grown woman can cause an argument over an apparent facial expression of a young teen.

If I wasn’t an only child I would assume we were sisters. I’ve just had s blowout because I popped round at 9 to help her change her bed. DH and ds arrived at 11 to pick me up and go about our day. At 3 I had to shout that we were leaving because she was just going to make another cup of tea.

I know I’ll get terrible guilt trips all week but I popped in for 5 mins. I was clear before I arrived that I had plans and that we were going for lunch.

Her special trick is laying food on the table before mentioning so you have to be a real swine to walk away from plates of food.

No help, only sympathy

That sounds awful and exhausting.

You can't stop her being awful but you can control how you react to it. So if (when!) she does try to have another go at you, refuse to engage. It's all you can do.

I've given up on my parents and don't see them anymore and although it's sad, it's also such a relief.

Thing is though, just because the telephone is ringing it doesn't mean you have to answer it. If you're having a shower and find the phone difficult to ignore you can turn it off (or pull the plug out if it's a landline).

Honestly, why would you want to accept a video call if you're just going to be insulted? Poor DD. (And poor you.)

Dd was here on her own when she took the video call, didn't answer because she was in the shower. That alone was enough to piss my mum off.
Then a full 6 days later gets brought up again including a look that she said was on dds face. Which is just ridiculous....but is apparently my fault.

And this will go on for ages.

I feel for you my mothers the same controlling whatever I do is never enough expecialy with my kids my kids want for nothing and I know I'm a great mum sometimes I wonder if it's jealousy with her. Also the phone thing if I don't answer it's call after call to myself and my partner then when I do answer it's demands to know what was I doing. Ive decided to go no contact after the latest row too much stress hopefully I can look back in a few months and think I've made the right decision.

I remember your previous thread, seriously your boundaries need turning into Fort Knox. Why do you want such unkind manipulative in your lives...

Well clearly I don't.

I told her to stop and then ended the conversation with her. So I dealt with it as best I can. But it doesn't take away the upset that it causes.

It will go on for ages? OK, hang up on her every single time at the first sign of any shit.

DD should not have to stand up to this, you should be protecting her. I'd ban DD from visiting or skyping her grandmother until you have had a full apology from your mother. Protect her.

I am.
She won't be going round till I'm there. And I don't want to go round.

And it doesn't matter how much my mum stamps her feet.

But I still find the whole thing exhausting and painful.

Yep it's exhausting and painful, perhaps she will stop speaking to you after a while...

I suppose if there can be a positive to come out of this, it'll be that you can explain to your DD exactly how to set her boundaries in life, and not take emotional abuse from people. It sounds like you're doing a good job of keeping her out of the firing line.

The phone call thing! I didn’t realise that other people would get out the shower to 18 missed calls then absolute fury.
Amazingly my ds stands up to her in ways I can’t, she pestered him to stay the night but he kept saying he wanted to go home.

Speaking from personal experience, it does get much less exhausting and much less painful as time goes on.

Unfortunately it gets worse before it gets better when you start enforcing boundaries.

You are doing well.

I'm quite sure me not giving in is why she is being like this. She has been huffy and difficult a few times this week when I have spoken to her. All times I've either ended the call or said I'm not going to discuss it further.

Just keep going with this approach she's like a preschooler kicking back and just testing this new boundary!

It's not really a new boundary though as ive done it many times before.

I've recently started a full time job after being part time since my daughter was born. It was quite a jump up career wise and I think most likey that is the under lying cause as she's been difficult since I started it. ( she also told me not to apply and then kept telling me I wouldn't get it)

I have a mum like this. I think they just cannot BEAR not being in control of their children any more and will do anything to get it back, including inflicting the pain in their grandchildren as a way to get to you. This all sounds impossible to people with non-narc parents, but I see it all the time on here and we resort to responding like children by getting upset (result for the narc). Withdrawing from her is your best - and possibly only - option. I really feel for you

How dare you be successful and need her less than ever! Jealous and losing control perhaps?

I think you're right to end calls when she starts to kick off: it's the only way to deal with her nonsense. Perhaps end them sooner, rather than giving her warnings, so that it's far more abrupt and clear.

But I still find the whole thing exhausting and painful.

Of course you do. She's trained you to feel to blame for all this unpleasantness. Try to remember that she's the one being unreasonable, she's the one being hurtful, and you're good. Some CBT might help you stop ruminating on the problem, too.

I do hope you find some peace, OP.