When did that 'actually I realise I deserve better' penny drop

[dontbesillyhenry]

For you? As I think it has for me.
Moving forward I don't know what to do but at least I've realised it and know what to aim for

I was with my ex for 5 years. We were blissfully happy most of the time. However, every time we argued he would say I was mental, over-sensitive, always getting at him, asking why did I have to be such a c* etc and even though he apologised afterwards I always ended up feeling like I couldn’t really speak my mind because it would end up like this, with him storming out and telling me he’d be back when I was able to be calmer/more sensible etc or if I asked him to leave he would refuse and say “call the police if you want me out” which I found very intimidating and threatening.

One night a couple of months ago we went through the same motions, the same insults, the same ‘me saying don’t call me a c*’ and him replying he’d call me whatever he liked’.

I realised it was never going to change and I either had to accept this as a regular part of my life or let go of this man who was utterly lovely 95% of the time and an absolute bastard with no respect the other 5%.

I also then realised that you don’t switch respect on and off, you either have it or you don’t (& have to hide your contempt to get through life). So that 95% was bullshit because underlying it all was a man who thought it was acceptable to call his GF a c*.

I’ve had a couple of wobbles since, once shortly afterwards when I met up with him and ended up kissing him. Then he said that he knew he just had to get me there and I’d be “all over him” and since then I’ve had some regrets because I do miss the good side. However, I need to value myself enough that I don’t accept being called a c* to be loved the rest of the time. It’s hard because it’s not as black and white as it looks on paper. Anyone who saw us together would have seen the love. But the hatred was always there bubbling under the surface for him.

For me Around 2007. But it did not work out for me so I guess not every one get their happy ever after ....

It was a culmination of many issues for me, but this is one that stands out. I went for an HIV test, because my then bf had put me at risk. He went berserk at me for 'taking away his right to not know his HIV status'. I realised then that he was willing to risk my health and my life, just so that he could live in blissful ignorance so I kicked him out.

I was just thinking about this. In 2012 when we were skint and I found out my ex had blown £100 on taking a colleague for a meal, when we'd just had pizza express paid for by tesco vouchers for our wedding anniversary meal.
That wasn't the worst though, he then went berserk at me for daring to be cross with him and the penny dropped that he would always find a way to put me in the wrong even when he was 100% guilty.
Unfortunately it took me another five years to end the relationship.

Yesterday...

Been with Dp coming up 19 years. I have made excuse after excuse for his selfish behaviour.

I had an operation on my eyes on Thursday.

We have 4dc. 2 with SN.

He didn't make dinner Thursday evening.
He didn't sort dc stuff for school. He didn't get up to get dc ready or take youngest dc to playgroup.
Older dc have transport as they have SN.

I had to get some shopping after dropping dc to playgroup.

Came indoors. Sat down for abit as i was feeling unwell. Headaches & in pain.

Had to get ready for older dc Annual Review.

Dp then asks why i am doing stuff. I tell him because he hadn't done any housework.

He then said he had been sitting down because I was...

It doesn't sound that bad reading it back but i totally lost my shit. Literally made me see the light.

He's going to be leaving my house very soon.

When I was sitting in a police station having photos taken of injuries that he had inflicted on me, because I had the audacity to call him out on his shitty behaviour.
My relationship was like the previous poster 's.
He was nice most of the time then bam be would change and I would be all the names under the sun. I realised that the nasty side was him, the other stuff was bullshit he used to keep me there.
I'm very intolerant of drama and any kind of fuckery now. I have firm, strong boundaries and I stand by them. Not just with men, but anyone I have a relationship with.
One show of disrespect (even mild) and we have problems, I just won't allow anyone not to be anything but 100% respectful now, because that's what I deserve. It took me going through hell but something just clicked. I took it all the way. I ignored all of his pathetic attempts to trick me or change my mind and I took it all the way to court. I told everyone what an arse he was and how he treated me, what he did. I stood up to him and I won.
Then I started therapy, rebuilt my friendships and career and decorated my house. I won, he lost. He lost me. I realised along the way that I didn't deserve that and that he didn't deserve me. I was worth ten of him and now if someone doesn't agree that I deserve respect, kindness, honesty and love (as i give) then I'm worth ten of them too, its simple and I walk.
I know now that I am a strong, capable,respectful and good human being. One with morals and empathy and integrity, i am a good person and I only want to be around others of the same ilk. It's took me a lot of heartache to get to this point but it's a really good feeling.

Confused

Thank you.

for all of you.

When DD was born...
I had an extremely tramautic birth, very close to having an emergency hysterectomy due to haemorrhage, had blood transfused in theatre. Very poorly on day 3 and told after visiting I was being moved to ICU overnight for a further blood transfusion as they couldn’t properly supervise the transfusion on the ward and my blood count was so low it couldn’t wait until the next day, I rang exh in tears to be told “oh, ffs, so I’ll be home alone again tomorrow then, you’ve only given birth, people do it everyday, stop dragging it out you drama queen”.

Yep. He was a Prince. Still took me 3 years to leave but that was definitely the moment I realised he was a knob.

When he complained to one of MY friends that I was a bitch who never had sex with him I forgive him for sleeping with another woman and constantly turning into a massive cunt when drunk, but for some reason the stupidity of that event tipped me over the edge.

Haven't left but can say it was a mental tipping point for me when on Valentine's Day this year my H forgot to get me a card or even a bunch of flowers because he said he was so busy. He wasn't so busy that I know for a fact he had a 15 minute porn session in the mid afternoon whilst I was at the office. That to be honest freaked me out and yes I do think I'm worth more than that.

When, after 6.5 years of trying to support him with his drinking and mental health issues without much success, I found an empty rum bottle in the bedroom.

Took time to get him out, but am now awaiting decree nisi, living with just the kids and it's great.

When he started to cut me off mid sentence, as if whatever I was going to say wasn’t worth his time to listen. It’s a small thing compared to what some other posters have gone through, but the reason the penny dropped was that it was exactly what my dad did to DM when he was having an affair and it stopped me in my tracks. Surprise surprise he was having (at least) an EA at that point, although he always denied it. Our marriage lasted less than a year.

And he married her.

When he turned up at the hospital when I was in labour - having ignored my messages for MONTHS - and he turned up with NOTHING for our daughter. He ghosted me when I was 6 months pregnant, but stupid me still wanted him back. He turned up, hungover, whilst I was at my now most vulnerable. I realised then he was a fucking psycho, but was too busy giving birth (very rapid labour) to say anything, and was too busy feeding/staring at my newborn whilst he hovered looking bored to pay him any attention. Later that day when he admitted he’d bought nothing for her, the penny of “my child deserves better than this” dropped, and that was it. Any latent feelings gone, immediately.

Should add, haven’t seen him since. Newborn is now 2.

My STBXH left for someone else in November when I was 6 months pregnant and our eldest was 3. I was looking at swimming classes for my eldest last week that fell on a Saturday (his day) and asked him if he would take her every week and that's when it clicked - I would never ask or want him to take our daughter to any of her groups or classes because of how upset I got at him flirting with other mums. He was a serial cheat and compulsive liar who was no longer my problem and the relief that fell over me was unreal. I didn't realise how unhappy I was with him and how happy I could be without him. I love my life with my 2 girls and it's actually great not having him ruin it.

Enjoy moving on, I never thought I would get here but now I know I will never look back 😊

Should also add - my life is amazing now. I’m smashing my college course and have offers from 3 RG Unis to study Microbiology.

Last I heard, he’s still on the dole and sofa surfing, his teenage son no longer speaks to him.

Last night. It was meant to be NC for us but we'd been talking and meeting up still. But I realised last night that he's never gonna change and want me like I want him. I was always he's last priority, well wouldn't say priority even. Just wanted me for a bit of fun, didnt care about me or what I was doing. Going out and shagging anything he could and if the girls he wanted weren't available for a date then I'd be his last option. So last night I cried, realised I deserved better than this and then blocked him from everything I could find, I felt relieved like a weight was gone and I still do. Felt a bit sad but I know i made the right decision.

Afternoon our child died, I stayed at home for as long as my wife did supporting her through the trauma of it all. I did everything I could and more to make sure she was ok. She repaid me for all that I did 6 months later by cheating on me whilst 6 weeks pregnant with our next child.

When my exh and I had a small argument and he said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologised. He used to create small arguments mid week that he could blame on staying out weekend. This went on for about two years.

He didn't utter a word to me for over two weeks. If I spoke he walked out of the room. He made his own dinner/ordered take away, cups of tea and didn't make me one. Did his own washing and left Our DD's and mine in the basket. He stayed out of the family home a few nights of this and both weekends.

Said the next time I spoke to him like that it would be three weeks until I learned.

I lived an hour away from family and friends. I've never felt so isolated or lonely. I had a child under a year old and was on mat leave.

But I left and things are great now.

Last weekend. He's an alcoholic with cocaine and gambling problems too and we have been married 5 years with a 3year old, and 2 year old and I'm (stupidly) pregnant again.

He went out last weekend and didn't come home for almost 48 hours. Spent £500 of our rent money.

That was my moment, and I kicked him out and I'm not having him back. Doing this alone will never be harder than living with the uncertainty of wondering where he is and when he'll eventually come home and how much of a payday loan I'm going to need to get to feed our kids. It's killing me right now, and even though I have made the good choice in the long run, it's so bloody difficult right now.

When the man I'd been with for three years refused to say he loved me. I think he probably did, in his own difficult and bitter way, but the fact that he refused to "admit" it or give me that comfort spoke volumes. It finally gave me the strength and certainty I needed to move on.

Best thing I ever did