Just be yourself...

[PotPlantInTheCorner]

I'm in my early 40s and I'm really struggling at the moment.

Nobody likes me and I just don't know why. It's always been the same. I've always struggled with friendships at school, university, work, at hobbies...

I don't really have an issue meeting people - I have hobbies and I'm willing to put myself out there and talk to people but none of them like me. Or, more accurately, they seem to like me initially but lose interest very quickly. I am simply not able to form, develop or sustain friendships and I don't know why. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I really want to ask them why but I know I won't get an honest answer.

The advice is always to 'be yourself' and I am. But when people don't like who you are, what do you do? One woman I was very close to at one point told me that I keep everyone at arms length and don't let them in and that is why I struggle. No one feels that they are important to me. But I don't understand what she means by that. Actually, I was really upset by it. If anything, I feel that I am too open and share too much and that is why people avoid me.

I'm really struggling at the moment with the realisation that it's happening again and it's breaking my heart.

I don't think I have it in me to start all over again. It hurts too much.

I read stuff on here where women have young children and can't get out to meet new people and everyone tells them that it will get easier when the children start school/get older/become more independent... but I've been through all of those stages and yet here I still am.

I know an awful lot of people. I have a lot of 'acquaintances' but no friends. No one to contact for a chat, no one to meet up with, no one to invite round, no one to confide in. Just no one who cares.

I really need to understand this and am willing to answer any question completely honestly if it is likely to lead to an answer.

Just to clarify, on the rare occasion I have actually made friends, they don't last and it is the other person/people who cool it. And I don't know why.

That's what's happening again now.

I don't think I've actually done anything to offend or upset people. I'm just not good enough, I suppose. But I don't know why when other people are and I can't find any really significant difference between them and me to account for it.

For example, I know a number of people who are friends with each other and I know that, in many cases, they met each other at the same time as they met me, largely because we met through a particular hobby. Since meeting, some of them have started relationships and their partners have also joined the friendship group without problem. Within the larger group, smaller, closer groups have formed. It's a diverse mix of people so it's not that I don't fit in socially, economically, educationally, politically, family wise because there is no standard.

None of those people do the original hobby anymore, but we all remained in touch, friendships have grown and strengthened but I'm finding that, without the contact and commonality provided by the hobby, I'm no long included/thought about. Whilst their friendships (I know) are evolving, deepening and developing, I'm finding myself on the sidelines again and I'm not sure how I ended up here.

It's not the first time it's happened. It happens every time.

male but completely identify with your post

things like social networking only seem to rub your face in it

difficult isn't it? whichever club / hobby etc you see it happen again. you start, "working on yourself," counselling, personal improvement call it whatever...... temporary hope and sympathy at best.

whichever acquaintances you try to develop shy away from or blank you. in the absence of any vicious rumours or musty smells one wonders how other people effortlessly make friends.

eventually the merry go round becomes a self defeating cycle.

for me i gave up trying to seek out friendship after failing yet again. it is easy for keyboard warriors to say just get back out there

i have for the main accepted that i won't ever have close confidants but i have seen too many peoples true colours to really want any now

be a nomad you will learn more from the silence. whats stopping you?

I know that feeling too. I am a personable person and find it easy to talk to people - others do to. But when it comes to making lasting friendships it seldom happens or that I have to do the chasing - it is exhausting. If it wasn't for my DH I don't know if I'd actually have any friends I saw on my own or who'd actually as about me.
Thing is I have AS and I am a women in STEM with many hobbies which are rather male dominated. I also don't have many issues that other women have - I have no body neurosis, I have never lost weight just for the sake of loosing weight etc. I know I have wierd body language which has had people incorrectly guessing my intentions. It seems I'm safer if I just stick to having mostly male friends!

As an experiment after one falling out with my friends I decided not to ring them and see if they ever phoned me. 12 years and counting...

I know what you mean in that it seems you do a hobby and then you stop but other people seem to be better at being friends while remaining on the sidelines. We used to do a hobby at University but we both outgrew it and are no longer in touch with the people who we did it with. In our case we moved away and found we were at different life stages - many still live a bit like their student days but we have DCs and careers.

Thing is, do you find you have to do the chasing? I mean you should contact your friends from time to time but in my case they NEVER rang me and seldom seemed to get my voicemails either.

Oh op I know where you are coming from.
I feel like everything I've tried in life doesn't work out including friendships. I feel so isolated right now. Hugs xx

op, can you look for or organise a local MN meet?

thay can be great fun.

maybe you could arange something with others on this thread who feel the same

back to your OP - i too would be interested in finding out if you contact others or do you leave it to them?

i have friends contact me - and i a rubbish at replying. i always have to give myself a talking to and remember to send a ' hows your week been' text to let them know im tinking of them - because they do it for me - but i am shit at remembering to do it its not that they are unimportant, just that i am shit at remembering

Totally understand.

I wrote a long post about my experience- but this isnt about me..just want you to know that this must be at least a somewhat common feeling.

I recently had to do some university work researching friendships and I think that everyone feels this to some extent. But for some people it is more or less based upon a reality.

I wish there was a forumla to follow. Or at least I could understand why this problem exists for me (no ASD, plenty of hobbies/opportunity, etc).

I wonder if you are very open, if you could try and make people feel a bit more special when you speak to them? Give them the impression you are trusting them with some information....not that you just tellanyone. That way they will feel you have invested in the relationship, and that therefore they should too...

I can relate to you so much only difference is I'm a sahm so don't really meet people. Even when I worked I didn't really have friends It's always been like this. I can make friends just can't keep them I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I was at my Ds school saw one of the mams I talk to now and then she said wait while I drop my child in I was outside the school gate waiting, 5 mins had passed I was like where is she, she strolls out looks at me and said I forgot you were waiting I felt so stupid!! I'm nearly 35 and have no friends!! My days or in the house cleaning and looking after my dd and collecting my Ds from school. I get really down the other day I couldn't stop crying cuz I have no friends. It's always on my mind that I must not be a nice person or not good enough to be someones friend. It's very lonely my Dh is great but not the same. Just wanted you to know your not alone

I'm in the same boat. Things have been getting progressively worse over the past few years, especially since I had to give up work to look after my son with ASD. I cook, I clean, I break up fights between my dcs, I do the school run. Occasionally I watch Netflix once they're in bed. And that's it. The people I do see in my daily life are so reserved as to be actually quite cold. You may feel alone, OP, but so many of us feel the same way. Hugs xx

I used to feel this way and have had people in the past comment to me that I keep others at arm's length. I think I've been so hurt by losing friendships that I tend to do this without realising. I also think I had some depression at the time so maybe my signals were different to the ones I thought I was portraying.

Things have changed now though and while not hugely social I know I have one or two good friends to count on and a few more I could meet up for coffee with. I'm not sure what happened, seems to be people I have been in touch with in the past and we picked up again. I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and just let it evolve naturally, sometimes not meeting up for months sometimes loads. I also started going to interest groups and meetups which while I haven't formed any friendships there bar superficial fb ones it helped further develop social skills.

I've recently had a bit of a hard time and instead of trying to go it alone and shutting down, I've let people in and talked about my feelings. I've found I have a lot more people that care about me than I thought.

It's really hard feeling so lonely. The age of social media doesn't help either as it would appear that everyone has loads of friends and happy relationships but remember things aren't always as they seem. I certainly wouldn't have posted anything when I felt alone.

That's interesting. Thanks for sharing. Just wondering - one of the things I hate is when I share too much with people who appear to care and then they ditch me. I feel betrayed. How do you know who to trust, and how do you ensure its reciprocal (eg not feeling like a charity case?)

Knowing who to trust can be a leap of faith or the trick of finding someone who is like yourself. I'm very open and honest, probably to the point of blunt at times but my closest friends are very much the same and appreciate that trait in me as I do them. I do realise that's not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok by me. I suppose holding back a bit at the start and knowing that they will message or arrange a chat when they need me too is the main thing but that takes time. Not appearing needy as I understand we are all parents, have work and relationships etc to contend with too.