Help - I want to move but my partner won't

[rath]

I really don't know what to do and feel like I can't discuss this with any family or friends.

To give context I became pregnant so I moved to where my partner is from. (My partners work and family is here). I was bed bound/hospitalised my entire pregnancy and had to stop working. After I had the baby I obviously still feel very unwell in a physical sense and had further issues (prolapse etc). Physically it's a struggle to get through the day sometimes and I'm waiting to see specialists. (Baby is now 9 months)

My partner has his own business and works long hours a minimum of 6 days a week, and has been away 4/5 weekends this year already. As a result I'm on my own much of the time and this last couple of months I'm struggling with loneliness and a desire to move to my home town to be near my family and friends. Where we live currently is very isolated and rural (30 mins drive for groceries) and I don't really know anyone. My partners dad visits me every couple of days but other than that I don't see anyone.

I'm finding things becoming overwhelming and I feel miserable. We are mortgage free so moving would not be a financial hardship as we both have good jobs, (it would mean a commute to work for him), although I'm due back to work now and in a physical sense I'm not sure I'll be able to manage (not helped by a 2.5 hour daily commute).

My partner refuses point blank to move and doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for me here on my own. Tbh it's effecting our relationship to the point I'm not sure I want to be with him anymore but I want to make it work for our child.

I don't know what to do

How far away did you move to be with your partner?

If he's away with work a lot then why should his preference be more important than yours?

Have you actually sat him down and spelled out how bad the situation is for you and baby's wellbeing?

I’m pretty shocked reading this. He’s being very selfish. If he’s away all the time and you and the baby are stuck somewhere isolated then this makes no sense. It will be much better for you to be somewhere you have friendship and support. I can’t see any downside of you moving. You are not going to be able to do a 2.5 hour commute with a little one!! That’s madness! I think you should just go. Find yourself somewhere to rent where you want to live and then tell him you are going and he is more than welcome to come join you. Your current life sounds lonely and miserable. Do it now before your child starts school!

RemainOptimistic it's over an hours drive away. It would mean I'd be closer to my work (40 mins each way vs 1 hour 20 each way currently), but he would obviously need to commute an hour. His work is currently based where we live, but he could move it anywhere, although that would require investment in terms of buildings etc. But not infeasible either.

I understand he works long hours so I've said it would be an option for him to stay here some nights (in our current house) if he felt commuting was too much every day.

We have discussed it at length many times but it's always the same. He will not move and I need to learn to be happy here

To me it makes no sense that you moved to be with him in the first place so I’m wondering if he is controlling? If so you’d be better off moving away.

Otherwise if not controlling....which seems a bit u likely... can you try your very best to make it work there? I mean going to baby groups to make friends, maybe joining a class in the evening to meet people, really out yourself out there? When it comes to work I think that commute sounds impossible though. Is he expecting you to become a sahm? Sounds like that wouldn’t be ideal if you’re lonely but perhaps there are ways to make friends?

Has this got anything to do with your partner owning the house in his sole name?

No he isn't controlling. It's just that he has everything he wants here (business, family etc.) so understandable that he wants to stay. He doesn't expect me to commute 2.5 hours and has said I can be a stay at home mum if I wish as we can afford it, but given the current state of our relationship I'm reluctant to give up my job, although I'm worried given my physical health it will limit my options to doing what he wants if I have to become financially dependent on him.

I know I don't make enough effort to make friends here, it's just been difficult to do/go anywhere given my health issues for the past 18 months

I'm not sure what him owning the house has to do with it? We are due to be married soon although I'm having doubts but even if I were entitled to the house I would neither want it or take it, given I don't want to live here and he bought it before we met.

Honestly I would move out and go back home.

I'd also just move and leave him there. He's being incredibly selfish, esp seeing as he is regularly away leaving you on your own.

It's no good him saying he will not move and you need to learn to be happy. You can move, it isn't a prison. He is obviously very self centred and doesn't see you as an equal partner. You need to disabuse him of this idea.

dear lord what a hideously selfish fuckfaced arse.

just go, you'll gain so much more

IF you can afford to be an a sahm then he can afford premises. He chooses not to and for you to have made, and continue to make, all the compromises.

Are most of the financial assets yours? If not, don’t be a SAHM when you’re not married.

You move then he decides if he wants to join you or not.

It isn't his decision whether you and the baby move or not.

Sounds like he isn't any actual day to day support anyway so it seems like a win for you to have your family and friends in the week and he can be with you at the weekend if he's not working.

I'd move on my own tbh. His inability to compromise or have any empathy is what would kill the relationship in view.