How to accept I’m in a EA relationship

[firsttimemum90]

I’ve posted a few times about the situation I’m in.
I’ve confronted partner, he’s admitted to some of his traits promises he’ll change. Says he’s getting professional help through work. Currently being the model dad/partner..... we’ve been here before a few years ago, he changed back at some point, I didn’t necessarily see it, or took the good with the bad. I’ve now realised what the bad is, not normal bickering and disagreements.
Through my work I saw a councillor yesterday. I was praying she would tell me different and things would be ok. After me speaking two sentences, she said it’s classic emotional abuse. We have a 7 year old son and she help unpick the realisation of what he is doing to him also. I believe he is a good dad, apart from when he talks me down or tells my son things like mummy doesn’t care about you only her job (I’m a nurse and have to take on an aspect of antisocial hours, I love my job and worked hard to get into the post I am now, but only ever work 3/7 days max.).
I’m not ready to accept this is how my life has turned out. We had plans we had hoped together. He is my family, is this truley who he is. Or should I give my all into one last try and take his word he’ll never treat me the way he has done before. I feel very lost, sad, confused. Especially as the passed few days he has been so lovely, so chilled, no snapping, no questioning if I’m home late from work, helped with childcare so I can easily get to work on time. He’s been attentive, laughing and joking with our son. Making plans for us. Is it really all bad? Can he change long term. Any positive storeys?

Thank you

So he knows how to be a kind person, a good dad, a kind loving person because when he senses that you are nearing the end he does all the things he should. Yet when you are back in the fold, giving your all to the relationship he switches back. Relaxes, content in the knowledge that you are back. He then shows his true colours. What he is doing is called hoovering, it's a common trait used by abusers. He is doing what he needs to to suck you back in.
Do some research on the cycle of abuse. It will help you understand what he's doing.
I don't how you accept it, you will find your own way to do that in time. Can you carry on seeing the work counsellor. If so I would, she will help you make sense of everything.
I don't want to be horrible or dramatic but this will damage you and your son. Abuse breeds abuse and your son is being affected by this. He is learning how to become an abuser or how to cope with being abused because of his father, so is he really a good dad?
I'm coming to the end of 6 months of therapy because of a relationship like yours. Mine turned violent when I woke up and started questioning what was being done to me. I'm still piecing things back together and it's tough, I won't lie. The aftermath and consequences of the relationship is far reaching, so on a bad day (which I don't have v often now because of everything I've dealt with and worked through in therapy) I remind myself how good it feels to not be with him. It's like a huge relief.
Accepting it for me meant admitting what had happened, realising it was his fault, his problem and allowing the fog to go so I could see everything clearly.

It's great you're working with a counsellor OP, and hopefully that will help you to unpack all of this.

A book I found really helpful was "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft - not only does it lay out types of emotional abuse, but it also explains why it is absolutely not your job to change your partner.

Your partner will only change if he truly wants to change - and I'm not just talking about keeping you sweet.

What he is saying to your child is terrible and is not the sign of a good parent.

Thanks for responses I thought I had replied.
A little bit confused. I’m glad you’re doing better these days. And your words are the kick I needed to hear. How did you end it? Did you have children involved? I just know if I get the courage to do it, he won’t let this end. He is very persuasive and I find it hard to stand up to him.

Eyepatch.... the hope he will change is the thing keeping me to stay. Or I feel awful thinking about turning my back on him when surly he can’t way to be like this. He tells me I’m everything he’s ever wanted, I don’t understand just how much he loves me and needs me. Why does he have to act this way some of the time.

I really feel for you. It's not easy to accept that someone you love and who can be so lovely to you some of the time is actually abusive. Sadly they don't change, certainly not while you are still in a relationship with them. They have no incentive to.

I am in the same boat, my counsellor listened to me and said "I'm going to stop you there, you did nothing wrong. I can't tell you what to do, but I want you to look at these" and handed me some print outs of the cycle of abuse and toxic relationships. I sobbed my heart out as it was nothing I didn't already know, but having it confirmed by someone 'in the know' made it seem real.

Fwiw I still don't think he realises what he did that was so wrong, and that has made it harder in a way. I think that he sees himself as a genuinely good person with a bit of a temper and thinks the problems lay with me being over sensitive. I ended things with him and have been no contact for two months.

I've managed to move on a little bit over the past couple of months by reiterating (to myself, I haven't talked to him) that it doesn't matter if he agrees or believes that what he did was abusive. I deserve nothing less than total respect in a relationship. He's not 'the one' because there's no such thing as the one, there are lots of people who would be suited to me, probably more so than him.

However, if by some miracle, he is the one and only person destined to spend their life with me, he will recognise his issues, sort himself out and find me when he is in a position to be the equal and loving partner I need. This way I don't have to believe that I will never see him again. I can imagine some day in the distant future, two vastly improved versions of us getting together as the 'ones that got away'.

In the meantime I am continuing counselling, living my life, moving on emotionally from the problematic relationship we had, remembering fondly all the happy times, but being reaslistic about the rest. I still cry most days after two months, but it's fading a little now. I hope you can find peace without him and although I understand that you might not be ready yet, when you are you will always have support here from the many women who have walked in your shoes

My relationship is weird- I feel so lost. My mind changes frequently throughout the day. I feel I want to get as far away as possible, I then feel awful for thinking about turning my back on him, I then think if I gave 100% and really tried to please him things would be ok.
My councillor said the same to me, it was really hard and exhausting to be told what the back of my mine/my friends have been telling me by a professional after two small sentences. I still can’t accept it for what it is and keep trying to convince myself they’re wrong and it’s just normal disagreements in a relationship. It isn’t all bad we have had some really good times too.
If I do get the courage to end this and keep listening to that voice in the back of my head. How do I do it. When I confronted him a week or so ago and said I was warn out and had had enough. he won’t accept it and won’t let this end.
I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing. Do you hope a bit of time apart and the councilling will help you get back together if he changes?
Thanks

I’ve got a thread running at the moment about ending my EA relationship. I did it yesterday. Right now I’m being bombarded with messages which are showing he knew exactly what he should have been doing.

I chose to save myself. I can’t save him. Only he can do that. I don’t have a child with him luckily. You are sad about the relationship as it should have been. Not how it is. No parent should use their child as a weapon against their partner.

In your heart of hearts you probably already know that this isn’t going to have a happy ending. It’ll either be a life of walking on egg shells and hoping he is in a good mood or the relationship will end.

I know what I would do but it took me a long time to detach emotionally and I just wasn’t ready until now.

I think when I confronted him a week or so ago it maybe wasn’t the right thing to do. As now he knows how I’m feeling, he is pulling all the stops to show he is a good partner and he can make me happy and be the nice caring man to me.
Maybe I’m not ready yet but I do know in the back of my head this needs to end. I’m trying to detach myself, I’m trying to prepare myself for the back lash, im trying to prepare myself to be there for my son, he’s obviously going to be upset by us parting and I need to know in mentally strong enough to to be there for him. My partner has told me so many times I wouldn’t cope without him, I’m impossible to live with, I need him, it’s scary to go against everything I’ve ever been told.
I will take a look at your post, if anything it just helps me feel less alone right now.
I hate this all so much.

I've also been exactly where you are. I used to rationalise it by saying to myself that it is good 80% of the time, so I can cope with the 20% where it is not good. But I got to a point when I resented the fact that he could be so disrespectful. I am a human being, made of flesh and bone, exactly the same as him, so what gives him the right to treat me like that .

STBXH took up exercise, cut back on drink and took up meditation. It helped a lot with his mood, but crutially it didn't change him at his core as he has no respect for women, and I was always walking on eggshells waiting for the bomb to go off, which it always did eventually.

I eventually left when I realised the impact it was having on my DDs. I read thread after thread on here from women who wished their DM had left their abusive father and how it had affected them. MIL also started pointing the affect his behaviour was having on DD1, and I realised that I wasn't overreacting and that others would understand.

So he has decided to treat you well for the past few weeks, does that not show you that he doesn't see you as a person with feelings who deserved being treated with kindness regardless of anything else?

I then think if I gave 100% and really tried to please him things would be ok. I thought this too, that if only I didn’t have any expectations or needs then he wouldn’t get cross with me. But as my counsellor said, this means me being a Stepford Wife, just a robot going about my day to please him without any authentic life of my own. Yes it would be lovely to have a blissful argument-free life and some women are happy to live life like that, but I am not. I’m strong, independent and interesting and I deserve someone to love me for who I am, not just what I can do for them.

I’m not actually holding out hope that we’ll get back together. I really hope I can move on and meet someone who gives me all the joy I had with him, but without the pain. Telling myself we could get back together is just a trick really to allow my mind to let this happen. The thought of never seeing him again was just too much to bear. A couple of months down the line it makes more sense

When I talk to him last week and said this can’t go on anymore. He kept accusing me of having someone else and tried to turn it onto that, he is so persuasive it’s like he’s telling the truth of how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. Or it’s like he’s convinced himself I have someone else so it justifies the way he treats me. I know that sounds completely crazy as wanting someone else is the absolute last thing on my mind. I just want to feel happy in myself, start thinking clearly again and find myself. I don’t like who I am right now. Carrie I feel awful for it, but until the councillor told me the damage that is happening to our son, I honestly thought our DS was better with his parents together. Unfortunately I don’t think his parents will be as supportive as yours. Now I’ve stepped back, both his parents are over critical of him of DS of me, over the passed year I have distanced myself from them. Now I can see it’s more to protect myself, but I did reach a time thinking I’m a horrible person not giving a lot. It’s hard to explains I just feel so confused and so hard with him being nice atm.

My relationship.
Everything you have said the top paragraph is how I feel deep down, I know I deserve better and shouldn’t be keep an act up to please him and keep him calm. I’ve only thought and put his needs first for so long, I feel guilty for wanting to leave.

I think that’s where I am atm, I can’t accept this has to end or it’s over for good.

@firsttimemum90 in the exact same horrible position and completely stuck. I believe deep down they will NEVER change but I myself have still not found courage to go. Can't advise much yet, good luck

Logically if a nasty angry man such as your partner genuinely thought you had someone else his pride wouldn't allow him to stay with you. Instead he uses the notion as an easy stick to beat you with because he knows you can't prove a negative.

As for positive stories, I left my EA ex husband (who had also convinced me I'd flounder without him) and am now married to a man who I never have to walk on eggshells for. I felt guilty when I left my ex but despite all the crying and begging and threats he actually moved on incredibly quickly. Don't mistake power and control for love and concern.

M2321 if you ever want to message just not feel so alone, please do. Again I’m still in a very confused place but nice not to feel so alone.

Tempas, I hadn’t thought of it like that before. I find myself thinking what he tells me, I hate it.

I hope I get the courage and strength to leave, it is so so hard. I keep bouncing back to wanting to be there for him

Op ending it was the hardest thing.but so so worth it. It was my house and we don't have children together although his dc did live with us 50/50. I always felt so guilty about trying to end it for that reason, I loved his dc. He knew this and often used to emotionally blackmail me because of this. I just felt trapped.
He wouldn't go. If I tried to make him he would try and kick my door in. Invite friends round and get drunk. There was also an element of financial abuse, he'd refuse to contribute towards the bills or tell me what he'd do to me if I tried to make him leave. He tried to convince my family I was going mad, even text my adult son intimate details about me. God when I look back now it was hell. I did force him out once, took the day off work without him knowing. Packed all his stuff and when he got home from work I had 999 on speed dial. He left but he refused to give me my keys back then he alternated between hounding and harassing me or telling me how much he loved me, that he did what he did because he loved me so much. This went on for 2 months til I agreed to get back with him. The minute I agreed to give it another try he switched back to the angry rude controlling always drunk man I knew and loved.
I ended It, told him I was done and he wasn't coming back. That bit of space made me realise how I'll it was making me. I knew He was never going to change. He locked me in the house and assaulted me threatened to kill me etc etc.
I knew then I had to fight with everything I had. I pressed charges. I did the whole process, took him to court, got a restraining order, paid for every single item of his to be delivered to his brother. Changed the locks, blocked him on everything and got therapy.