Think i am just realising my marriage is not that great-am i expecting too much ?

[fakeblonde]

Met dh aged 19,got engaged at 20,married at 21 and baby at 22.
Now have dd 15
dd12
ds 3.
Been together almost 20 years.
During this time i have done lots of training inc 2 degrees and now got a lovely job.
I organise everything from childcare to bills to holidays ect-am sure i am not alone in this.
Have overcome many financial and emotional difficulties together but looking back he really only held my hand while i kept a roof over our heads.
I am suddenly realising that while he has been a truly fabulous father i dont think hes been too good a husband.
The thing is everyone thinks he`s so great with the kids and home (he washes up and cleans up to help )but does that make him a great husband.

I am 37 and i think fairly pretty.Yet we would never have sex if i didn`t initiate it.
Prob make love 4 times a year.
He tells the kids he loves them every single day yet he never shows me any affection.
In 15 years we have NEVER once been out together.I go out with my friends a lot, with his blessing.He goes nowhere and would rather stay home .
Am i just bored and ungrateful for how much he does to help ect and should i be thinking how lucky the kids are to have such a great dad.
\his parents never showed each other any affection and i am really worried that my daughters will think the way he behaves towards me is normal-i am starting to think that its not and their is more to marriage than this.
i am starting to notice my friends relationships more, amd while i dont expect him to sit me on the washing machine for a quickie anymore i think i am missing out on something.
Sorry for long post but feel better writing this down somehow

"for a quickie anymore" - means there must have been something? Give your relationship some tlc maybe? Sounds like there's hope...

You are not ungrateful - it is fantastic that he is a good father to your children but this does not equate to being a good husband. For someone to be a good husband, imo, you need to have a relationship between just the two of you - not between you him and the kids - and have some understanding and respect for each other. It sounds like you have almost nothing between you.

Do you want to work at things - if so, would marriage guidance help? You could try and indentify ways in which you could recreate a relationship between the two of you. This is something dh and I have being doing recently (after having drifted a long way apart) and I think with work you can make things better. Of course, if niether you nor he are interested in improving things, you need to consider what you want in the long term.

Hi fakeblonde,
I can totally understand where you are coming from (see my post on agonising whether to split with 3 young kids).

Am 37 too - some people have suggested that it's a "mid-life crisis" but I think it's more than that. Personally I have been having doubts for 4 or 5 years. I'm still confused though and therefore am not rushing into anything.

Happy to chat anytime
x

He probably thinks it's normal if his parents were like that.

You will have to let him know it's not, and be plain about it. It sounds promising, as someone else said. But give him a chance to rectify it. If you've never said anything before then he probably has no idea.

4 times a year isn't good tho. But there are things you can do to liven it up.
And of course try asking him why he's not up for it anymore.