Husbands negativity dragging me down.

[MorningFear]

I'm a frequent poster but I've name changed for this.

My husband works away a lot and I am a SAHM. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old.

I've been feeling so distant to DH lately because I find his negativity towards the kids unbearable. He is an excellent dad for the most part but he expects way too much of them IMO and when the children aren't cooperating (having a melt down or something) he becomes the most negative person.

For example, DD is on a course of medication at the moment which involves me having to wake her in the night to give her a dose. The issue is, she is VERY anxious when it comes to taking medicine and anything to do with the doctors due to a previous situation. In the day time, she'll take her medicine no problem because I can talk her through it calmly, but when I wake her to give her the night time dose she has been having huge melt downs. When DH was away she would cry for a period of time and then eventually calm down, I'd cuddle her whilst she was crying and then once she'd calmed down we'd talk, she'd tell me she felt nervous and scared and we'd have a chat and then I'd eventually be able to give her the medicine. In the morning, I'd talk to her about it and she'd have no recollection of what had happened in the night. Anyway, last night DH was home and decided to give her her medicine. He went up and handled it calmly initially but then I could see he was becoming frustrated by the situation (understandably). He was being very short with her, huffing and puffing a bit and DD was getting more and more distressed and the screaming was becoming extremely loud (10.30 at night and we're in a mid terrace). I said to DH "I think we just need to stay very calm and reassure her. She seems to be getting more and more distressed". His response was along the lines of "No, she knows exactly what she's doing, she's fully awake and this is completely unacceptable". I explained to him that on the previous nights she had had no recollection of it in the morning and he sort of laughed to himself and said "trust me, she'll remember this". We decided to step out of DD's room to give her some space to calm down. He kept harping on about how she responded well to a situation a week ago where she was having an epic melt down (at the hospital and as I said she's scared of doctors etc). She had been freaking out for a good hour but he managed to talk her down by being quite firm with her about how her behaviour was unacceptable. I tried to tell him that I understand that worked that day, but tonight was very much different because she'd been woken in the night and in my opinion wasn't fully compos mentis. He began arguing with me and I said "this isn't good for her just now, we need to be calm, please", but he carried on. In these situations, he never listens to a word I say, he becomes so negative and argumentative that not only are we dealing with a difficult situation with the kids, he turns it into a friction between him and I. After all this, I eventually stepped in and managed to calm DD down by just sitting with her and waiting it out and telling her I was ready to talk to her whenever she was calm enough. I gave her the medicine and went downstairs to apologise to DH to smooth things over. I said, "I'm sorry about that DH, we just deal with these situations very differently and that's okay, there's no right or wrong and I'm sorry." He then carried on trying to argue with me. He said that there's no way we should be just letting her scream like that and just waiting for her to calm down. He just wouldn't drop it. It's like this every single time there's a drama with the kids and it's wearing me down so much. He'll always say "well I did this once and it worked", I've tried to tell him that it often doesn't work that way with the kids as no two days are the same. Something that works one day won't necessarily work another, in my experience anyway. But he just argues, complains, huffs and puffs and I just can't cope with it anymore.

I've obviously given the example from last night as it's the most recent but this is a very regular occurrence and I just don't know how to cope with these situations best? Can anyone help please. Thank you.

How can a man who shows such negativity towards his children be at all an excellent dad to them?. Do you simply like to think that he is an excellent dad because it does not add up. Women in poor relationships as well often write the "good dad" comment or versions thereof when they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man. There is nothing here about how you feel about him.

What do you get out of this relationship with this man who is physically absent because of work?. I daresay the whole household is a lot happier without him being there at all which suggests an awful lot. Look at this man's parents OP; what are they like? Probably very much the same.

If anyone should have apologised last night it should have been him, why did you apologise to him?. Your own female conditioning to be nice and try and smooth things over?.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like yours is?. What do you get out of this now?. Do not keep on showing your children that this model of a relationship is acceptable to you on some level. Why should you at all have to cope with him when it is clear that he does not and cannot at all manage family life?.

I would seek counselling for your own self and go to those sessions alone.

I’ve no idea how on what would help here but I’m in the same boat with my oh. We have polar opposite parental styles which only came to light after we had kids!

I’m softer he’s firmer, it does cause arguments and friction.

Sorry, not helpful but I get where you’re coming from.

Devil’s advocate: could your daughter be trying it on with you a bit because she knows she can get away with it with you? Could your DH be seeing though this and thinking that she needs to learn what is and isn’t acceptable?

When we're not dealing with stressful situations, DH is funny, caring and a positive person to be around. He makes the kids laugh, plays with them and they adore him. I've had my own struggles in life and DH is always there to give me a much needed kick up the backside. He has helped to build my confidence and taught me a lot about raising my expectations of others when I used to be a bit of a doormat.

The problem is though, in any stressful child related situation, he becomes so negative that it ends up ruining the whole day/night. It's awful. I'm generally a positive person and I find that keeps me sane when dealing with the kids but I just can't manage it when he's around and as awful as this sounds, at times I have wished he wasn't there because like you say, at times the household is happier when he's not there although it kills me to write that.

The "good Dad" stuff is very much true though. His parents weren't the best in all honesty and are constantly negative and complaining about something so I can see why some of that has rubbed off on DH but its not all the time with him, and I really do love the rest of him. It's just this side to him is becoming unbearable.

Devil’s advocate: could your daughter be trying it on with you a bit because she knows she can get away with it with you? Could your DH be seeing though this and thinking that she needs to learn what is and isn’t acceptable?

Its definitely not this. It was DH who had her at the hospital last week and she screamed for an hour there. Yes, she did calm down when he talked sternly to her but that was after a long period of being distressed. I'm quite confident that DD would have calmed down more quickly last night had it just been me with her, although obviously can't say for certain.

Hi morningfear

re your comment:-
"He makes the kids laugh, plays with them and they adore him"

This is really the baseline though for fathers isn't it?. When is he ever there to play with them in any case; they see how you react to him as well and will learn to make this their norm too.

I reckon you do an awful lot more for and with your children but I bet you do not think that you are a great mother because of it. That comment also shows me how poor your boundaries in relationships are. He may have been "nicer" than any person you had a relationship previously with but he really is not very nice at all either.

What did you learn about relationships as well?. We learn about relationships from our parents so it is not surprising that their negativity has rubbed off on him; this is deeply ingrained within his psyche and will not be unlearnt. Your love for him could very well turn into resentment because of his negativity and the fact the household ticks over well without him too speaks volumes. He seems to be like a dark cloud that hangs over you and dominates everything.

I think you’re being way too soft on him here. What you are describing would be OTT for a 14 year old never mind a 4 year old. It isn’t different parenting styles - it’s a total empathy failure by your dh.
If he’s willing to see that and work on it there may be hope but if not, you have a difficult future ahead.

Ps it also sounds like your dd has been rather ill and if that doesn’t awaken compassion in him then something is badly wrong. You sound like you are supporting her brilliantly. I hope she recovers soon.

Playing and making them laugh is the easy bit though. The real test lies in the tough and stressful times.

You say the house is happier without him. Thats a very tevealing statement.

So now the question is, what do you want to happen? What needs to change?

The bit where he said "Trust me she'll remember this" was a bit chilling for me. No empathy or thought for how distressed it was making you or dd.

So now the question is, what do you want to happen? What needs to change?

I just want him to be more positive around the kids and to handle stressful situations differently but I'm worried he doesn't know how to, I'd that makes sense

He sounds an unreasonable nightmare who makes life harder.

If he is anything like my x he is never going to wake up one day and see that your way is the right way. He will become more and more dogmatic in his insistence that all failures are due to you being too soft, not listening to him, not obeying you. Tje only thing he'll see is that it's all yr fault.

Among the many things that didn't work between my STBXH and me, this was one. He was brought up in a very rigid style, my parents were much gentler and more flexible.

When DD1 had regular and very severe panic attacks, he would deal with it by shouting at her. Didn't work. What worked was sitting with her quietly, putting the white noise on and gently talking her down and going through a breathing meditation. Duration of attack with his method: 1 hour plus. Duration with the alternative: 20 minutes max, often less.

You know your method works best with your DD. Stop caving into him, he is a bully. Either he changes his rigid ideas of how you and he 'should' parent, or your relationship has no future.

I think with partners like this (mine is one) you must not be afraid to be right. You know what works, stand by it. I have had very hard words with DH, I have told him to step away if I think that what he is saying and how he is reacting is damaging to the DC's, I have had to teach him how to parent. To be fair to him he has been receptive but I have had to be very strong.

Is there any chance that you have you put your DH on a bit of a pedestal because he has given you a kick up the backside and been good for you in other areas of your life? Perhaps you need to do the same for him now?

Thanks runningdoll. I really want to solve this and make it work. There's a lot of good in our relationship. It just all comes down to his mood though, which isn't right! Thanks for your helpful post.

Let’s put this in perspective. She’s 4 years old and you are waking her during the night from a deep sleep to give her medicine! I’m in my 40’s and I’d be having a meltdown if somebody was waking me up every night to do that! Your DH is being totally unreasonable and you are doing it all the right way (in my opinion). Tell him to stay away and out of it. You’ve taken professional advice (us) and the consensus is that your approach is best. I think you need to be firm with him and stop chasing him trying to “logic” him out of his mood. Sounds like you’ve got another giant toddler on your hands with him!