Fed Up

[SillyT1lly]

I'm so fed up with my husband. It's not that he has changed, I have and I don't know what to do. He is at heart a nice person but he's always been a mum's boy. His mother did everything for him and taught him the woman should do everything in the house because she never worked and believes in old fashioned values. So as you imagine he does absolutely nothing in the house without prompting. Then I'm "nagging" when I ask him to do a simple thing like pick up his clothes off the floor. He doesn't help with the garden but he says he never wanted a garden (which is true enough). I pay and organise all of the household bills, all finances, holidays, schooling. He gets upset and over reactive at the slightest mention of having to help. He has always been this way, but before children I didn't mind. Now there is so much extra cost, extra organisation, extra worry. Yes I work full time as well. What do I do? He isn't going to change. I can't cope with it all any more. I have told him this repeatedly but nothing changes it is just the way that he is and always will be.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?. Have you simply carried on where his mother left off?.

He won't change but you could change how you react to him. You could leave him ultimately; you still have choices here and you do not have to be his house elf for the rest of your days. By doing this as well, he is showing both you and his family unit a complete lack of respect.

You have children; what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. You're showing them that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

You may find this article interesting as well:-

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Have you asked him to justify why its fair that you do everything?

He's not going to change, you say.

So your options are, to continue doing everything while he lives with you and a. somehow stop resenting his lazy entitled ways, b. resent him.
Or continue doing everything without him, and at least not have to carry that resentment and have the chance of meeting someone else.

Hi you are all correct. Thank you for replying to me. @atillathemeerkat I suppose what I get out of it is that I have a lot of space to myself and am not smothered by my husband, I can't cope with being smothered but it's like the opposite extreme. He is good at playing with our kids when he is in the mood but usually doesn't even show his face. I know some dads do nothing with their children. I am too stressed out to be that fun- loving ridiculously childish parent. Everybody tells me I am stupid and a mug but I don't think I have the desire to find somebody else. Maybe I will just stop doing all the things that relate to him, like his washing and ironing and cleaning until he starts to do some things and try to be happy outside of my relationshp.

Who do you think will crack first if you don't pick up after him, really?

I'm betting on you, personally.

Do you think this is the model of a relationship your dc need to imprint on?

Do you work op?

Oh yeah you do work.

She says she works full-time in the op, hellywelly.

Hire a cleaner. And a nanny. Or a childminder or au pair. Outsource whatever the hell you can. When you can get some headspace, you can think about what you want to do re the relationship. But get some help first.

She has an able-bodied adult who lives in the same house who thinks he's living in the (idealised but nonsense) 1950. How does getting a cleaner solve that?

You'd be so much better on your own. You do everything anyway and pay for it but if you split he'll have the kids so.it'll give you a break and be more able to be the fun mum and you won't have the resentment of picking up after a fully able bodied man.

Do you want him to help or do you want to end the relationship?

If he suddenly started helping, would you still want the relationship?

Is the not helping, the cause of the problem or just a symptom?

It's pointless concentrating on cleaning if you know it's over but equally if you think you can sort it out by him pulling his weight then why end ot?

Hi, coming from a male point of view. You need to sit the guy down and have a frank and hard conversation with the guy. As an aside, how old are the children, are they old enough to help with the silly things like dusting stairs or the like, sounds stupid but if the kids start to clean little things it might make the big lump feel guilty and the kids will pester him to help. If he still does nothing then he is just a waste of space, or is he the ‘bread winner’ and expects you to do everything else?

He's not even the "breadwinner" with her working full-time as well. Assuming he works.

The thing that really jumped out at me was you saying most dad's do nothing with their kids therefore you're giving him far more credit than he deserves for the very little he does do.
Most dad's don't do nothing - most dad's I know actively contribute to parenting their children . You both work full time so you should be splitting parenting and household duties 50/50 but you know this. You need to make it clear that you expect that.

I'm guessing you've done all the night wakings and early mornings too ....

Thanks everybody. Yes if he helped out I would want to stay in the relationship. But I've been out food shopping entertaining the kids today (they are too small to help and very demanding) and he promised to tidy while I was out. I came back and the dishwasher needed emptied, the rubbish all needed putting out, the washing needed hanging up, the tumble dryer needed emptying, the house needed hoovering. I just want to burst into tears. Every day is like this. I'm exhausted. Don't get me wrong, he never does any of this, but I had really asked him to. The kids' TV channel had been changed to Sport. That's what he'd been doing. I have told him I've had enough. Thanks all for your input. I am going to write a list of jobs again (I have done this too many times to count) and have a real chat with him once kids in bed later and give him a month. To answer the questions, I am the breadwinner as well, I pay for everything bill wise. He does work but doesn't earn much more than to pay his own bills (car, mobile, travel to work and parking). Thank you every one.

Starryeyed19 I would hire all that but since I have to pay everything for the family myself (all the bills including full mortgage) I can't afford to.

He's really landed on his feet with you hasn't he? Let me guess - he moved in with you straight from his mums so has never had to look after himself.

I'm glad you're going to talk to him tonight. You need to make sure he understands the seriousness of the situation. He is massively taking the piss - you don't do this to someone you love.
He's traded one mum in for another and you need to stop. You're his wife and this is a partnership.
If he tries to tell you that his mum did all this for his dad and never complained then you need to make it clear that it's not the 1950's anymore and she didn't work. Tell him it's 50/50 or he can go back to his mum's and let her look after him.
Don't let him make you feel like you're nagging and don't ask him to help. It's not helping you it's taking care of his responsibilities.

He also needs to start contributing more financially.

You sounds lovely and like you have the patience of a saint. You don't have to live like this - keep telling yourself that.

Good luck x

Are you sexually attracted /satisfied by a man child I would question...??

Send him home to Mummy.

Its a total waste of time. Even my dp was better then how you describe yours but nearly 19 years later, I realise I wasted the best years of my like hoping he would 'get it's

Seriously don't waste any more time.

Sillyt1lly- he needs to grow a pair and face up to his responsibilities as a human not just a man. Grrr, it upsets me as a guy to hear this sort of thing. I feel guilty leaving the washing up for a couple of days, lol, I am far from perfect, but we both work long hours so things get left until 1 of us does it (normally me as it drives me crazy) Sorry i digress, if you have a guy who a) says 1 thing and does another b) sits around watching you run yourself into the ground c) doesn’t help out financially, then you will be better off without him, then you can get on with your life. Is he the babies father? Is he depressed about having kids, not having any money?
Hope this helps or puts the cat among the pigeons for you. Hope all goes well.

Cocklodger, sadly.

You'd actually be better off without him, you know.

Firstly, less work, because it'd just be you and the kids. No more picking up after him.
You'd save money on groceries.
You'd save money on bills.
You'd probably cook simpler, less expensive meals.

Plus the emotional lifting of that burden of resentment and the thinking for him. It's heavier than you think.

Since he does bugger all for the kids and only interacts when it suits him currently (dunno why you think he's better than most - he's really not), he'd likely make a better "Disney" dad at his access times.

He's currently nothing but an extra weight you're lifting.