salvageable?

[overornot]

Married 10 years 2 young children.
For the past 2 years I've felt like I've grown apart from my DH. I've told him over and over again and he doesn't want to divorce and im reluctant to in a way because of the children.
we have always been so different, intellectually, emotionally and personality wise. It never bothered me before but after children it did, I try to teach my children to be well mannered and have an interest in learning and he tells them none of that matters and it drives me mad.
He never talks to me about anything I always instigate the conversations, he's completely passionless, nothing bothers him, he doesn't love or hate anything, everything's just ok to him. I can't debate topics with him or gossip or share an excitement about anything etc.. he bores me.
I'm not sexually interested and our sex life has dwindled even though my sex drive has gone up.
I argue with him all the time, just everything he does frustrates me, he takes too long doing anything, he never has ambition to do anything or go anywhere, nothing gets done without me doing it, he talks about putting our son in afterschool clubs but I'm the one who organises it, he talks about taking kids here or there but months will go by until I step up and actually do it.
no date nights unless again I suggest and book.
I feel nothing, numbness.
can this marriage be salvaged when i feel like it's so far gone?
is it too late?
what can I do to try to get back when all I feel is frustration towards him?
on the plus he's never cheated and I doubt he would, he's a great father, he doesn't like to see me upset so I know he cares bit no actual affection shown towards me.
He says he will change but really why should he? He is the way he is and that's fine he's not a bad person he just makes me feel like life is passing me by and im desperate for a nice adult conversation but I can't even get that out of him.

An example of what frustrates me about him: today in Costa coffee we all were sat on our table, children colouring in, he's busy looking at some random guy on his laptop commenting how he's only here for the free WiFi and what he may be doing and how he's probably lonely and single etc etc, This is what he always does when we're out, looks at other people around us and tells me what theure doing and who they're with rather than join our conversation or do something with the children, I feel like what's the point being with us?
I feel invisible to him.

This may sound silly but it is worth a try. Instead of focusing on his flaws and how he does everything wrong, praise him for what he is doing right. Even if it is hard, try uplifting him. Focus less on "you" and more on "I".

I think a lot of people go through what you are going through. You get to a point where you are just two people living together. Everything is too routine and expected and it can become boring.

I'm the type of person who can't be attracted to anyone no matter how good looking unless there's something there personality wise that I like and im realising mote and more that I don't like his personality.
but you are right in that maybe I need to focus on what I do like and not concentrate on the flaws. There was love there once upon a time and we literally fought to be together and married which is why I don't want to give up even though I feel empty right now.
I always thought we'd have this romantic story to tell our children about how much we loved each other and how much we gave up to have each other. I feel like the fairtales ended already.

Why such a struggle to be together? Are you from different cultures?

I also agree that you could try focussing on the positives.

I can't debate topics with him or gossip or share an excitement about anything etc

You said this, however when he was people watching in the cafe and talking to you about it, you didn't share his interest.He was making "bids" to talk with you and engage you but it seemed to fall flat.There are lots of people who would have chatted about his observations.If he mentioned the guy was lonely and said it compassionately he seems to have empathy and that is a great start.

Sometimes you might have to see the positives in your life, if you are the organiser, sure its extra workload but you get to decide what to do and when.
If you are the pushy parent educationally does he offer balance, it could mean your children never get stressed about school which could be a good thing.

Are you generally happy in yourself?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Your relationship reads as both desolate and lonely. The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Why was there such a struggle for you two to be together, did your family for instance not like him?. I can see what he gets out of this and him saying that he does not want to divorce (thus losing his cushy life with you) but you?.

Sometimes love is not enough and you cannot carry what is really a failing relationship here on your own. He seems happy enough as he is but you are not selfish at all for wanting more out of a relationship and life itself, let alone an adult conversation with him. The fact that you state he has never cheated which is itself a good thing, also shows me how low your overall boundaries in relationships are.

Are you simply staying now because of the children?. Be honest. Doing that is rarely if ever a good idea because it teaches your kids that your marriage was based on a lie and that is a heavy burden to place upon them. They are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for being with their dad and could well accuse you of putting him before them.

Would you want them to have a marriage like this is?. No you would not. So stop showing them that this is still acceptable to you on some level.

You don't like him very much. If you want to try to improve things, as pp suggested, you need to stop the critical narrative in your head. You sound well down the road to contempt, which is the killer.

His family didn't want him to marry me, i come from a well educated and we'll travelled family and they didn't like that even though my family are the most down to earth humble people I know.
DH is educated to the same level as me so no difference there but hes been brought up in a very different way.
They barely ever go out and the focus is on family time at home and they wanted him to marry someone with the same views.

They same incapable of liking anyone 'different'. If a person's not the same religion or race as them they can be friendly and kind with them but they keep them at arms length. They then talk about how 'different' they are all the time.
I'm Irish and they're English, that was enough of a reason for not wanting me in the family.

I also gave up career opportunities to be with him (i would've been 7 hours away from him as he had a job here that he couldn't leave) I feel so so stupid for doing that but it was my decision not his. I feel my life would've been so different if I'd taken the job and now looking back I think so what if we hadn't ended up togther.
I feel sad about how much I loved him and how now I don't care.

And yes maybe he was trying to start a conversation by commenting on others but he seems more interested in other people when we're out, gets overly invested in what they're doing and speculates.
why not ask me a question or ask the children how they are etc? Even on a date the phone comes out or otherwise he's talking about others.
Other than that I get accused of 'smiling' at waiters or other diners, I smile at everyone! But he seems to think this means I like them or I'm flirting, I think it's because he knows I'm not attracted or in love with him anymore and that again makes me sad that he's scared of losing me.

category12 that's how it seems doesn't it? that I don't like him.
I try to laugh and joke with him and I a few months ago I started sleeping with him again 2 or 3 times a week but although sexually I was satisfied I didn't feel right as I felt I was giving him mixed signals and it just didn't feel right so I stopped. He pulls my hair during sex and although I've asked him not to he says 'you love it.. He
I feel like the marriage is dead and he doesn't get it.

I feel like the marriage is dead and he doesn't get it. Well you don't need his agreement that it's over. Start a divorce. (Ignoring you about the hair pulling and accusations about smiling are not something you should put up with).