Is my marriage over?

[Jimuk]

I think my wife had an affair. I found a condom in her pocket. She has been very distant and angry. She met up with a guy awhile ago but apparently it was nothing or so she says.
She won’t touch me. We’ve been married 20 years and have 3 kids. I’ve tried talking, suggested therapy, dates alone. But no interest. I can’t stay with her without physical contact. I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and it changed my life and made me think more.
I’ve got a gut feeling that something has changed or happened.

Why do you think she might be angry?

Did things change after the cancer? Sometimes people who go through something like that, seeing someone they depend on and love facing something that can lead to death and it scares them. Some people will push that person away because they feel it will be easier if something bad does come of it. I think you need to talk with her.

If she tells you she is having an affair, are you willing to forgive her and work through it?

If she won't engage with you, you need to make your plans to go. You can't do this for her. Only she can participate in the marriage for herself and if she won't, there's nothing to save.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds so shit.

Given your cancer diagnosis (I hope you are ok at present and treatment worked?), you know better than anyone how short and fragile life is. Don't waste your one and only precious life trying to engage with someone who won't engage. You deserve better x

All marriages have their bad patches.
How were things between you before this 'guy' ?
Sounds like a distraction for your wife.
20 years is worth working on your relationship I would be trying to find out what resentment has been building.
Good luck

Wow - fuck that shit!
You were the one that was diagnosed with cancer, knew she was fucking about with another guy "but nothing happened" and you're the one that's supposed to work out why she might be angry??
You have every right to throw her out on her arse.
The only thing you can do is get yourself to a place where you're strong enough mentally and emotionally to go it alone if you need to.
Good luck

Thanks for the responses. It’s been tough. Obviously I have shortened the story. Life is complicated. What gets me is the lying and 1/2 truths. She feels that I’m controlling I would just like to spend some time together. Talk, sit on the sofa next to each other, lay in bed together, go out for a drink or meal together.
Her friends are mostlly divorced women and a few married men. I’ve been away working at sea and only home 2 months a year for the past 6 or seven years. She has had to take care of our kids by herself while I’ve been away which is not easy
However she has had a cleaner and a gardener once a week. And her parents live next door. That’s good and bad.
I however am not without blame. 18 years ago before we had kids I kissed another woman. It was at a party in a jacuzzi after an all day drinking session. I probably drank a bottle of vodka, a bottle of wine, and who know how many beers. My wife was there in the jacuzzi and left me and went to our hotel room. I don’t remember much but I know I kissed this woman. I didn’t have sex but that isn’t important it was a horrible thing to do. I felt terrible about it still do. We talked back then she said that if anything like that happened again we were through. I would of understood if she wanted to finish then. I bought an eternity ring and promised never again. And I haven’t although I have been away working I have never strayed.
Does this change people’s opinions?

After this our relationship was ok. We have 3 great kids now. For a long time we laughed, worked together, looked after or kids and things seemed normal.
About 10 years after that is when I noticed the texts from this guy. And the trips out to walk the dog. She has always liked her privacy but became more obsessed with it. I was controlling I didn’t like her going out or talking with guys.
I went back to sea because we were struggling financially and after a couple of years I noticed she was changing. No wedding ring. Not texting me back that much. To busy to talk. Had things planned with her friends when I came back.
Just before I had cancer I noticed bigger changes. Not wanting to have sex with me, not affectionate, etc.
When I was home having my treatment she was quite distant and a lack of empathy. When I said I wasn’t shore if I wanted to back to sea after my treatment she was very distant.
I did go back but only stayed a year and 1/2. I missed my family to much. And I knew something was definitely wrong in my marriage.
I understand if she no longer loves me it happens. We need to move on. But I feel she has been using me and my income.
We haven’t had sex or even tried for 3 years since my treatment started.
I have tried many ways to communicate with her. Last time I said that I loved her she said “thank you”
For me in an ideal world we would work things out, but if she won’t talk or agree to forget and move on than we are through. I need physical as well as emotional affection. Sounds corny I know.
When we are next to each other I feel that she doesn’t want me to touch her and she avoids being alone together in case I start talking about our problem. I don’t know what she wants.

Because I accused her of having an affair

I think you know full well she is having sexual affair(s) and probably has been for many years. I'm sorry but from how you describe how things are there is little chance to salvage things unless you carry on turning a blind eye to her activities but this isn't a marriage.

Also with you being away for most of the year you are already pretty much leading separate lives

It’s true we ended up having very separatee lives. Not trying to sound the martyr but myself I didn’t have much of a life. But I talked and interacted with my kids everyday. Played games on the internet with them often. FaceTimed everyday to talk to the family. And came home whenever I could. I messaged my wife many times a day and sent flowers. While it was separate I felt I was doing it for us. Her and I and the kids. Means to an end. I think it was the cancer and me stopping drinking that made me wake up.
The truth is I don’t reallly love her anymore I put that has only just happened. I can’t love someone who’s want love back.
I hate the idea of breaking up the family but maybe it is already broken. And maybe she is pushing me so that I am the one who makes the decision not her.
This is s hard as dealing with cancer but there is a future and my kids are great. And I have a good relationship with them. They have noticed things are different. My wife has moved into the spare room. And she snaps at me and seems cross.