Ex partner is abusive and 2yo cries when he has to see him

[Micky1234]

Hi everyone.

I left my son's father last August. He was very verbally abusive, (although he did once physically throw me out of his car in my pyjamas and sped off with my 8 month old baby screaming!)It got to a point where we barely spoke to each other, we were both miserable, I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore, I was stuck with baby all day every day while he worked, went on nights out, went on lads holidays etc. I weren't allowed on nights out because he refused to look after baby and always made excuses that he had to be up for work blah blah blah. I had left a couple of times but I left for good in August. He has since been even more abusive, threatening to kill Me, c#@ts, whores, ugly, skinny, wanting DNA tests etc on a daily basis. He then starts abusing my moyber and her other children. He sees my son 6 days a month (his choice) and my son cries every time he has to go. I try and make it exciting for him but he just hates his dad. He makes no time for my son. He cancels when ever he feels like it! He picks him up every other weekend on a Friday, makes him wake up at 6am on saturday morning to drop him to his sisters so he can go to work. He does that on a Sunday too. He has recently told me that he's going to find a stranger to look after my son on his weekend because he needs to work more. He works 7 days a week and makes no proper time to bond with my son. Im sick and tired of him! He causes me a great deal of anxiety and stress and ive lost 1.5 stone since leaving him. Im an unhealthy 8 stone! He pays child maintenance whenever hes in a good mood which is rare. I just want some advice on what to do about the daily abuse and does my son have to see him if he doesnt want to?

I assume there is no order in force For him to see his dad?

And you're in England/Wales?

MrsBertBibby there is no order in force at the moment. I am in England.
I desperately want my son to have a relationship with his father but he honestly hates going there. His father makes no effort with him, does nothing with him and just dumps him at his sisters house. Im assuming his sister is getting fed up of looking after my son every other weekend and that's why he tells me a stranger will be looking after my son! I work on the weekends he looks after my son and I really can't afford to quit my job but there is no way in hell that i will allow a stranger to look after him. If it means quitting my job then so be it, his father would love that but I feel I have no choice.

Where will he recruit the stranger from? Do you mean a nanny? Is he saying stranger as he is goading you to leave your weekend job and take him fulltime?
So he does not want the responsibilty of parenting and has nofeelings of love for his very young son?

This is neglect. No, you dont have to torture your son a minute longer. I would make arrangements to get my son far far away from this man if he is hurting him emotionally and making him feel so very unwanted.
Can you pay a close family member to care for him while you are at work weekends.

Work part time during the week and find a great childminder to look after your son. Or a nursery. Stop facilitating contact and hope your ex loses interest. I don’t believe in contact for the sake of contact if your son is not benefiting from seeing his dad. You tried your best but he’s a shit dad who uses your son to get at you.

I think he says stranger just to cause an argument or to maybe see if I could get my mother could look after him. My mum works full time and also works on weekends until 4pm. She has just given up working Wednesday's and every other Saturday (the Saturdays his father doesn't have him) in order for me to work. The point is I asked him when I left to choose what days he will be seeing my son and they were the days he chose. He claims to love his son and the reason for the daily abuse is because I took his son away from him (even though he barely saw him as he was always working or galivanting with his friends.) He tells me that I use my son as a weapon even though I allow him to see him whenever he wants which is maybe an additional hour once a month on a random day. I will get a random message saying "im outside your house, can I see my son?" I think he only does it to pass the time though in between clients! He's threatened to take me to court to get joint custody and tbh I wish he would so I can show the courts the thousands of abusive messages he sends me and about dna tests etc!

I work on a Wednesday afternoon until 10pm. He is due to start nursery in September but in the mean time I'm going to look for a child minder. Thank you for your advice. It has made stopping contact a little easier although I'm shitting myself because he has threatened to kill me before and has shown up outside my house f'ing and blinding.

Most of my family work weekends or they live a million miles away. I'm gonna have to look for a child minder I think. Thank you for your advice, it's made stopping contact that little bit easier although I'm shitting myself for the backlash.x

Sorry you are having such a bad time. You might get more responses if you move this to relationships. You need to phone the police if he is abusive. Ideally get a restraining order. You shouldn’t be scared in your own home. In the long term could you move closer to family?

Hello sunseaand25. Im new to this so not sure how to move it to relationships 🙈 I actually live next to my mum, aunt, brother and male cousins. My sister's live in Newcastle, Brighton and Winchester so it's a bit difficult. Mum helps me as much as she can but my brother works weekends and cousins are living their life and not interested in looking after a 22 month old who is full of energy. He has my son at the moment and as soon as he brings him back on Sunday I'm stopping contact and going to the police first thing on Monday morning. x

Make sure you show the police all the abusive messages OP. You'll get good advice and they'll warn him off. Cease all his contact with your son. It's unfortunate but yes you will.simply have to make other childcare arrangements. I don't know why abusive men use the court and joint custody threat as if they've somehow more rights than you. Of course they don't.

Good luck. & do have your thread moved to Relationships, you'll get ongoing support there.

I’ve reported the thread to ask that it’s moved to relationships
Yy you definitely need to speak to the police re him threatening you. Don’t feel bad about stopping contact. A good dad doesn’t threaten to kill his children’s mother. It’s not you, it’s him. What an arsehole. Your son and you will be happier without him

Hi there Micky and fellow reporters. We got your reports - that's no problem at all. We'll shift this over to Relationships now. Hope you manage to get something sorted, Micky. Best of luck with it all.

It’s worth seeing a solicitor to get an injunction against him. Maybe the police can advise you. Also contact women’s aid to ask their advice. They are experts at knowing what to do next. Also CAB for legal advice. Get as much advice and help from everyone as you can. Knowledge is power. He can’t get away with this behaviour. It’s illegal. Record everything. Keep copies of everything. Start noting down times and dates of things. Set up a folder and print off all copies of vicious messages. Then when you see a solicitor it will be the proof they need as to his character and behaviour

I would see a solicitor as soon as possible tbh. Police won't do much, in my experience. But having proper legal advice before you withhold contact will ensure that you have all ducks in a row before your ex kicks off.

It's likely ex will kick off massively, but that he will do nothing significant to retain contact... Ime abusive men typically get a sick enjoyment out of being able to rant that their ex is keeping their children from them etc. But be prepared because the verbal lashing will get worse from him.

Please do see a solicitor. You need legal advice as soon as possible. If you get in there quicker, you will have the upper hand over him, if you don't already x

Thank you so much everyone for all of your advise and support, it is very much appreciated xxx