Sudden breakup - how to live alone again?

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Hi all,

My partner has just very recently and very out of the blue broken up with me for personal reasons of his own (struggling to cope in all aspects of his life) I was so happy and had everything I wanted and I feel completely lost now. How can I live alone again? I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine having to houseshare again and come home every night to an empty bed.

If anyone has any tips on how to cope I would greatly appreciate them. I suffer from depression too and while it has been under control of late, I feel myself slipping into a downward spiral. I don’t want to eat or get out of bed - I feel like my whole world has just been tipped upside down.

I struggled with this too but after five months it’s got easier. I’ll try to share what’s working for me...

Do you work?

Was there anything your DP did that annoyed you? Focusing on what was irritating about them and what you no longer have to put up with will help.

Podcasts are useful. I recommend Tara Brach. She talks a lot about being present with yourself and also gives guided meditations.

I go to sleep listening to R4/the world service set on a sleep timer. Sometimes I set a podcast on a sleep timer and listen to that instead. It makes me feel less alone at night.

Find some stuff to read and lose yourself in. I’ve been reading a book called Solitude by Michael Harris. It has helped me deal with being alone.

Treat yourself to nice meals. Buy some food you really enjoy and have a lazy evening watching whatever you want on TV.

Arrange a board game/film evening once a month with friends, at your homes. Make a thing of it - a selection of food and drink.

And chat on Mumsnet and message boards, of course

Thank you - presently I can’t think of one thing that annoyed me about him which makes it all the wose. Hopefully with time I will remember little niggles and be able to focus on them. Right now I am just totally broken... x

Is that because it was so sudden and you’re still in love? It’s difficult to see faults in people when we love them so much and miss them.

How long were you together? Is it possible he just needs some time and you may revisit the relationship in the future?

I suffer from depression too. It’s so hard to deal with on top of what life throws at us. Try not to get into the habit of staying in bed. Easier said than done, I know, but at least try to move to another room, even if you just lie under a blanket and watch TV. Being alone in your bedroom ruminating will make things worse.

Exactly - so out of the blue and he was everything I ever wanted in a partner. We were together for 3 years.

I don’t know, we broke up very early into our relationship and got back together a few months later. He’s told me he knows he will regret everything again but I can’t sit around waiting on him either - I know I owe that much to myself. I think getting back together once is fine but any more than that and perhaps we are kidding ourselves... x

Thank you for your support x

I think that’s a very healthy attitude.

Have you eaten today?

I’ve managed some tea and toast but the thought of food is making me nauseous - which is so not like me! :(

Try and get outside at least one a day. A little fresh air will make a difference to your mood. Love the idea above of a monthly game night. Also maybe join some new groups, book club, evening classes? Xx

I should say, I live in London and unfortunately I don’t have a massive circle of friends over there. I have a decent job but one which could be replaced. All of my friends and family are back in Ireland and this is the source of a lot of my worries too. I’m not ready to move home from London, but I can’t bare the thought of starting from scratch over there either. At least at home I have a support network but I feel like I won’t be happy there either because my quality of life won’t be as good. Basically I am completely lost and as someone who usually has a plan for everything, I am really struggling x

OP, I have to dash in a moment, but here are some things I have found to work.

Eat little and often - your body really needs the fuel to keep going.

Chunk your days into periods of time - 10 minutes, an hour, whatever you feel you can manage, and give yourself a pat on the back everytime you get through another chunk.

Change things around a bit so that you take some empowerment back. Could you get a new duvet cover, move the furniture, paint a wall?

Change your habits. If you always went to the same pub on a Friday, go somewhere else. If you always shopped in Tesco on a Saturday morning, spend Saturday morning watching a movie, and go to Sainsburys on Saturday afternoon instead.

Speak to your friends, and build a support network. Even if that means chatting on the phone for hours. But choose them wisely - not gossips, or people who will just get down the well with you - try to find those people who will help you pick yourself back up, rather than keeping you feeling down by going over and over the story.

Think back to what your dreams were before you met your ex. What did you want to do/be? Can you do any of that now?

Ask yourself what you can best do to support yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you love flowers, buy a bunch on the way home, if you like a hot bath, take one.

Flip things around, so that you find the chink of hope or light in the situation. What did your ex get irritated by that you can now do whenever you like?

Also look for things to feel glad about or grateful for. Even if it's just that the sun is shining! Our brains have a negative bias, so it's easier to hang onto negative emotions than it is to focus on positive ones. It might be an effort or feel forced at first, but trying to find the positive really does work.

And lastly, let yourself feel your emotions. Don't be afraid of them, they are there for a reason, to let your body know it's hurt. So if you want to cry, cry. There is a grief process to go through at the end of a relationship, and it's important to feel your grief. Just make sure that you also start to notice when you are feeling something good too.

Take care. x

Thank you all. I’m always so reluctant to post on here when it’s a sensitive issue - I was mostly expecting to be told to get over myself and he clearly never loved me anyway by the miserable life-loathing MNers - I’m glad to see that some women can still support women and lend a supportive hand

It’s a tough situation
Try to find your own identity and place in the world. It’s tough, but it will be worth it in the long run.
And don’t go round thinking he never loved you, that’s not helpful, sometimes things just don’t work out. But don’t place the blame on yourself
Have a lovely weekend doing things for yourself, which I know is hard, but you’ll get there eventually

I don't have much advice, but I think you're doing the right thing staying in London for your career, but make sure you get home soon for a break from everything that reminds you of him. Get some hugs from your family. I know my soul feels a million times better after a trip to Ireland. Remember that there are people there who love you and you're never alone.