Found inappropriate messages on wife’s phone

[AssuranceNeeded]

Cutting to the chase the messages were:

WIFE “Well are we meeting just for lunch” MAN “Don’t you fancy anything else?” WIFE “let’s do lunch first”

All previous messages were deleted.

The context (based on what my wife has told me since) is that previous to these messages he has sent her pictures of himself leading up to ultimately a dick pic. And said what he wanted for her to do sexually to him and he to her. This happened on two discrete occasions. Plus he has suggested they meet up at a hotel. She has stated that she didn’t want or encourage the messages and did not send any pictures or sexual suggestions. She has admitted that by not telling him to stop she did allow it to continue and by responding with bland statements she mildly encouraged him.

To get this information took over a week as she trickled truthed the information out to me (which in itself has seriously undermined my trust). She finally came clean when I said I could recover deleted messages and pictures from her phone (nb I cannot), she panicked and believed I could do she told me what she said was the full truth.

From the above texts I interpret that he Is basically saying I want to have sex with you, and she is saying I’m not ruling it out let’s get to know each other better first. So ,she can imagine having sex with him but just not yet. He is a work contact for her as she is self employed.

Her reasons are that she had no emotional engagement, never intended to meet him, loves me dearly and wants no further contact with him. She only did it because she was stupid and too weak to say no at any point as he was a business contact she didn’t want to lose. She has said she desperately wants to be with me and I think she has cut off all communication with this man.

Where do I go from here? I am hurting and confused.

TBH the messages you do have are proof that they already have done something surely?
By texting well are we just meeting for lunch? suggests your wife knew the agenda already.
When she says lets do lunch first I would presume she means on the same day. Lunch and sex.
She has been having a fling.

So many here with their wooden spoons out.

My concern is that she deleted many of the messages, thus knew what she was doing was wrong and presumably knew she wasn't just an innocent bystander in this but carried on anyway. If she had done nothing to encourage it other than not forbid it, she would not have needed to delete the messages. If she needed help saying no she could have asked you for that much earlier. I think counselling is in order at the very least. I'd be wanting to hear the whole and proper truth though, as I doubt you've had that thus far, plus an actual apology minus excuses.

LTB.

She's totally into him and she's telling you the bare minimum to get you off her case.

OP, only you can decide what you want to do. In my case, it was an EA with her first bf from school. It was not even really inappropriate or sexting. If she had fessed up that she was having thoughts about him, it would honestly have been fine. I contacted him, because I could not get the truth from her. It took a long time for the truth to actually emerge. Only when I gave an ultimatum and was walking out the door did she finally really open up. Don't take any blame. She might tell you you were not giving her attention, that you no longer dated her, that you did not give her flowers and so on. Whilst I do think men can get into bad habits and take the wife for granted, it's not for her to make a unilateral decision. That's just an excuse for her bad behaviour. This may really be a good opportunity to both talk, reset boundaries and really open up. But you also need to sort yourself or and get what you want from a marriage. 'The mindful attraction plan', 'no more Mr nice guy' and even 'men are from Mars, women from Venus' are interesting books to get perspective. You will definitely find that if you can be completely honest with each other, both will learn that you don't really know the other. Good luck. It's a hard road back to trust. One omission or lie and it's back to the start. Look after yourself.

Reported (yawn)

We have spoken at length and her justification is that due to childhood issues of abandonment and fear of rejection she does find it hard to say no, even to complete strangers

You know this is complete bollocks, right ?

You know this is complete bollocks, right ?

You know this is a Zombie thread, right?

Oh FFS 😂

She didn't want or encourage any of the contact but wanted to do lunch first? Really?

Z
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Sounds like she is taking the piss
Asked her to wear a tight top on first meeting ? Bet there was some chat build up to this!
Met 4 times and they are really planning to move in to sex agin lots of build up you have not seen
Will you ever trust what she tells you?
Her job allows freedom to be out and about having meals with clients etc you will be forever questioning what’s happening
She stalled and drip fed as you found out more
This would switch my brain right off so would kill it for me

Your wife is shagging this man behind your back.

Z O M B I E

T H R E A D

Very suspicious— I expect there’s more to it

Surveillance of someone’s phone, though, including spouse, is never Ok, though, if that’s how you found out.

Why don’t people bother to read a two page thread before commenting on it? I imagine this was all settled over three years ago.

Zombie thread!!

technically a double zombie thread!
A rare beast indeed, diminished only a little by the fact that the re-resurrectionist is an informercial for a Russian P.I.
Which is kind of cool in itself, if you like that sort of thing.
Which I do.

Triple zombie thread now thanks to Alana!

Would always love to know how things turned out!