What to do?!

[DaffodilPower]

Hi All,

I'm having issues with DP, and I just don't know if I should keep trying..

I started a new job (promotion within same company) after Christmas. The core hours are the same, occasionally (twice/month) I have to stay two hours late to minute a meeting. I have these recorded, so can 'prove' where I am. On these days, DP is off with me from the morning, and last time he told me not to go overboard with dinner (I cook - I'm a food control freak) to 'make-up' for being late. He also likes us to DTD when I get in from work, this feels like he's 'checking' for signs I've been unfaithful. Most of the time he tells me how much he loves me/loves having me in his life, but then sometimes he says he'd be fine on his own, doesn't like being tied down/is bored and frustrated with his life..

DP is self employed and annually earns 10-15% of my salary, though he has the potential to earn far more than I do, he just doesn't.

We have lived together coming up five years. House is his, owned outright. I pay the bills/running costs and buy the food. This was supposed to be temporary while he did the house up, but the house isn't done and I'm still carrying everything. He is doing it, very well but very slowly.

I have mad no secret of wanting a family. DP said he wanted the same which is why I moved in. We have not even 'tried', and he asks me everyday if I have taken my pill. When I bring the subject up, he says one of a number of things: (i) we can't afford it (ii)the house is a building site - when it's finished we can try (bear in mind it's been five years of no progress..) (iii) I'm too ill (I have Crohn's disease, lots of women have children with CD) (iv) he doesn't want to be tied down.

He has started getting offers from a friend of his to help him out with various jobs. This isn't odd in itself, he has been friends with him for years and years, what is odd are the texts just after 10pm (I go to bed at 10pm latest generally, but sometimes stay up a little later, which is when I hear these come through), and it's always him asking for help with jobs. He doesn't always say yes, but when he does it's an all day thing where he can't have his phone.. My suspicions are obviously raised.

I am 33, I have no children from previous relationships. I feel the constant implications of being unfaithful or the excuses as to why we can't try are all nonsense, and are just stalling tactics from him.

All I want is the opportunity to try for a family, whether it works or not. But I feel the hot and cold from my DP is never going to let that happen.

Advice please!

Do not have children with this man.

He sounds fucking awful and frankly a bit abusive.

This leapt out at me from your post..
He also likes us to DTD when I get in from work, this feels like he's 'checking' for signs I've been unfaithful

That is abusive, controlling and batshit. That alone would have me running for the hills.

Do you want to have sex like that?
Do you get to say no?

Honestly I'd ditch the horrible fucker.

Also he's stringing you along because he's got it made hasn't he?

You're paying all the bills etc and he gets to do minimal work.

He is a cocklodger.

And all of that and you are suspicious of these phone less "jobs".

Honestly what do you get out of this relationship?

He wants to have sex to see if you've cheated when you work late? This is ridiculously controlling and jealous behaviour

Don't even think of having a child with him; you need to get away from him asap

My advice is to leave him. You're being controlled by him.

Why are you still with this person at all, what do you get out of this relationship?. Apologies for the crudeness but you to him are nothing more than his lodger whom he treats as his domestic servant and has sex on. I can see the attraction for him by being with you; he can and does control your life.

Re your comment:-
"He also likes us to DTD when I get in from work, this feels like he's 'checking' for signs I've been unfaithful"

That made my skin crawl. Red Flag Central right there. Let alone the rest of what you write about him, he has more red flags about him that a Communist Party Committee meeting.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. He targeted you really OP: he saw something within you that he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends.

If you want a family then you need to find someone else to have children by; he is not a decent partner to you nor would be a decent dad to his children. Plan your exit from this relationship and enlist the help of Womens Aid as well on 0808 2000 247.

@LanaKanesTerfyVagina I don't mind generally, but if I did say no, he would take that as some kind of guilt that I'd been up to something.. I guess I always thought (hoped) I'd get what I wanted out of the relationship, the longer it goes on the more I see it with outsiders eyes..

@Shoxfordian Yep, and sometimes other days too, if I've been quiet texting etc.

God I've got myself into an awful mess..

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your reply.. I know. It's wrong. He was rebounding when we got together (I didn't know this). I told him my previous relationship had ended when my ExP put me in hospital, and he seemed so much like my knight in shining armour - he even won my mum over!

I know he is controlling me, knowing that though doesn't seem to make it easier to walk away, does that make sense?

My exh used to use his fingers to check if I had had sex (sorry tmi, while I was just about asleep), when I had ds he punched me while holding a small dc, smashed up our home time after time. Read the signs op - they read:
Pack you stuff today and run for the hills..

Did you do a freedom programme course after your ex? It seems you've gone from one abusive partner to another. Can you go stay with family or friends?

Oh, OP! You sound like you have had an awful time with men and I feel for you. But PP are right, this guy is a 24 carat bastard and life will only get worse, especially if you become pregnant. Leave, now, don't waste another second of your life with him and get yourself into therapy so you can have healthier relationships. x

You need to leave. You have no ties to this man so just get away and don't look back

Get an exit plan made. He is jealous, controlling and just plain nasty. He's got you cooking for him and paying all the bills, so he can work part-time? Dead right he's going to keep stringing you along about starting a family.

Please run away from him as soon as humanly possible, and do the Freedom Programme.

Daffodil

I would also say that you went from one previous abusive relationship into yet another one. That happens to all sorts of women and men, abuse is really no respecter of persons.

It is not easy to leave but it will be harder for you to stay with him now. You managed to leave one abusive man before, you can do so again. This particular man targeted you and knew you had been abused by a man before. You should never live in fear.

If you never enrolled on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid I would suggest you do so asap. This will help you establish better boundaries in relationships going forward.

Love your own self for a change OP when you are free of this person and arrange counselling for your own self. Repeated abusive relationships can be a pattern that started in childhood, you need to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way.

Please leave him.

Safely.

Call Womens Aid or a local domestic abuse charity.

Then do the Freedom Programme to reset your boundaries.

Just because he doesn't hit you, doesn't make it a healthier or less abusive relationship.

Sexual coercion and controlling behaviour are recognised forms of domestic abuse.

In answer to your question, LTB

Lots of x posts about the Freedom programme.

It really helped me when I got out of an abusive relationship.

Things I naievely saw as "loving" were actually forms of control, it really opened my eyes to what a healthy relationship should look like.

I now have boundaries set v v high.

Jesus.

get out now.

He is abusive. Controlling. Doesn't trust you because he's probably up to no good - what kind of job does he do that needs his phones switching off?

Also you can't live your life proving you're not being unfaithful (my stbxh is similar though not as extreme but I found myself turning down things he couldn't go to or if I did go out with friends, taking lots of pictures and posting on Facebook to prove I was with just women. Needless to say, he of course could come and go as he pleased).

What is good is that you have won ties to this man. Get out, invest on your own house and maybe look at reading up some stuff or getting counselling so you can spot red flags more easily and value yourself more.

Good luck op.

Thank you all for your advice. I will look into the Freedom Programme - it seems I need help identifying bad situations. I'd hate to fall into a similar hole again (I'm still in this one at the moment..).

My family aren't local, I don't have any friend, as I've been slowly moved away from my social circle. I need to find somewhere to go, I know that, I know it's not right.

I have never been unfaithful to anyone, nor have I made DP believe I have been; I'm always where I say I am. The other day traffic was light and I got home 10 minutes earlier than usual, we went to bed then, too.

What a fool I've been

He's getting worse with every post of yours DaffodilPower

He's isolated you from your social circle and got your Mum onside - known tactics of abusers. He's coercing you into sex to "prove" that you've not had sex with anyone else immediately before arriving home, whether you arrive earlier or later than normal, which is utterly batshit.

Please get out of this situation before it escalates any further, whether you can lodge with a colleague for a while or sort your own property out, anything. Just please leave him.

The DTD after work to check up is horrid, controlling and abusive.. this man is using you too. You’re paying for everything and he gets to do minimal work.

The abuse will only get worse, if, heaven forbid you had a child with this man.

Leave now whilst you can and find a man that will love and cherish you

I literally read as far as I have these recorded, so can 'prove' where I am regarding your overtime, as had already read enough. This is not normal. My husband would never even dream of asking me to prove my whereabouts if I am not home within five minutes of when I say I will be. With everything else on top he is so completely ridicuously controlling, it is heartbreaking that this is 'normal' to you.

The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Please don't assume that just because your ex was a Grade 10 wanker that you have to settle for a Grade 8 wanker.

He owns his house outright, so has no mortgage to pay. You are paying all bills and food costs? He is a cocklodger in his own home! Please leave. You owe him nothing. Please please please do not even entertain the idea of having a child with this man.

Please do the Freedom Program. Find your own flat, move out and move on.

This is not love OP, it's all about his control over you, he's sick in the head, a healthy happy relationship involves two adults who work together as a team, not a bully and a frightened woman having to walk on egg shells around him.

Do yourself a massive favour and get rid of this cocklodger, he's not just abusing you he is also using you for a free ride, literally.