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Original poster

Talking to my daughter about ex's new girlfriend

27 replies

beingbrave2008 · 23/03/2018 10:29

Wise ladies I need some help.
I am in the process of getting divorced which has been on going for 2 years now. I am still living in the same house as my ex and our daughter.
I have been convinced that my partner has been seeing someone new for a long time. She is someone who he has been 'friends' with for about 3 years and they have all spent a lot of time together (my ex, my daughter, her and her kids) although always lied to me about the time they spend together.
Yesterday he told me that he has spoken to our daughter and told her that he is now dating this woman. He has asked my permission for them all to go on holiday together.
My issue I guess is that for the last 2 years I have asked them to be honest with me about their relationship and they havent and now on one day they have finally admitted to me that they are a couple and asked my permission to go away on holiday.
This is so much for me to take in and I honestly dont feel its appropriate for them to all go away together while we are still married and living under the same roof (she is also still married and still living with her ex).
I feel like I want to speak to my daughter about everything as I know that he has, but I am really struggling with what to say to her as this is all so new to me and I am still really angry about it all.
Help what would you say to my daughter and how would you respond about the holiday!??

OP posts:
desecrationsmile · 23/03/2018 10:41

Not that I'm in any position now to give good advice, but I don't think your husband can take her without your permission and I don't think you should give it. I presume that he has never been on holiday with this other woman by himself before. They don't sound like they have spent enough time together for such a big step. You are uncomfortable with it, so you should say no. Who is this holiday for anyway? If it's for your daughter, then the new girlfriend doesn't need to go. Sounds to me like he is trying to play house with her and is using your daughter to fulfill his fantasy of happy families.

Deal with that first and your daughter won't need to know about the holiday. When you talk to her about the new woman, It's probably best to say as little as possible about the nature of their relationship. Just concentrate on the stuff that you know for certain, which is that you love her, that you are her Mum, that it's the most special bond that you will both share for LIFE no matter what happens, and that no matter what she is thinking, or what she's done, or what shitty things she has swimming in her brain, that you will have her back the whole way.. no exceptions. If you or your STBXH find new relationships, it won't change the fact that she has two parents that love her.

Original poster
beingbrave2008 · 23/03/2018 10:48

Thank you! Unfortunately my ex has already told my daughter about the holiday before he spoke to me about it. so she already knows! So if I say no I would have to explain to her why ive said no and I dont want her to think badly of me!

Yes my ex and his new girlfriend have been away before together (although they have never owned up to going before) and I know they are going away to Miami together in May without the kids.

OP posts:
crumble82 · 23/03/2018 10:54

No real advice but telling your daughter about the holiday before speaking to you is a really manipulative thing to do.

I think you need to sit down with him and lay down some pretty serious ground rules as to the way forwards. It must be pretty confusing for your daughter having you both still living together but her DF playing happy families with another woman. Your ex needs to be reminded who is important here.

MrsBertBibby · 23/03/2018 11:04

How old is your daughter?

Original poster
beingbrave2008 · 23/03/2018 11:06

She is 9 but a young 9 if that makes sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
beingbrave2008 · 23/03/2018 13:58

I really just dont know what to say to her :(

OP posts:
Nellia · 24/03/2018 06:23

Wow this is all so wrong and manipulative on his part. You are so lucky to be getting away from him.
I would have a full and frank discussion around the example he has just set for his daughter. ie that when she grows up its fine for a man to treat her with the same level of disrespect he is showing you. That it is fine for the man she marries or lives with to keep other women and visa versa given the other woman is also married.
Why are they all spending time together anyway shouldnt his time with his daughter be about him and his daughter not his latest fk partner who may not end up being in the picture long term. This women is not her mother they dont need time together to bond at this stage. If he wants to take his daughter on holiday go with just his daughter to show her she is important to him not another women who the child will have to share his attention with.
What a completely fd up situation move him out as soon as possible set clear boundries for your daughters sake.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 24/03/2018 06:39

I'd honestly be saying no, not this time.

That might make you the bad guy in your dd's eyes but I think you need to protect her. Given your ex's actions - telling her about the holiday first, introducing her to the OW without your knowledge, or any honesty - he's not going to be looking after her properly and she may well feel very vulnerable away from you, with people she doesn't know well, possibly in a different country.

Could you take her away instead, even just for a weekend, so you're not taking the holiday away completely?

Fireandflames666 · 24/03/2018 07:27

No you shouldn't let them take her. He's lied to you all that time and now expects you to allow him to take her away with his new gf because he's finally told you the truth?. What a horrible person he is, don't allow it this time.

disconnecteddrifter · 24/03/2018 07:30

Can you actually stop your child's parent taking them on holiday? What if he banned you from taking her on holiday in future. You have been separated for two years. He can do as he likes and your daughter will have a holiday which surely is a good thing?

larrygrylls · 24/03/2018 07:35

Absolutely no reason to say no; it is about your daughter, not you, and, assuming she wants to go, she would probably have a lovely time.

You do seem to be living together separated for a long time; that cannot be healthy.

At some point you may meet someone and want to go on holiday with them and your daughter. You will want your ex’s blessing for this and won’t get it if you prevent him going now.

Joinourclub · 24/03/2018 07:35

I think this all sounds very confusing for the kids involved, parents who live together but who are with other people? Why on Earth are you still living with your ex and she with hers? Surely they would be better off spending money on moving out rather than on numerous holidays? I think it would be reasonable for you to say to your ex no holidays until you have split properly and custody arrangements have been formalised.

pigeondujour · 24/03/2018 07:40

He doesn't sound like he's actually going to listen to you if you try to refuse permission. Agree it's outrageous they're planning a family holiday while presumably finances are prohibiting them each moving out of their houses. Sympathy OP, he sounds an absolute cock.

newdaylight · 24/03/2018 07:42

I get that his hiding oh the relationship towards you isn't great, but there's no suggestion here that he's not great with dd, and I don't think you should try and get revenge by making your dd not have a holiday with them, she'll probably love it.

Best you all get your living arrangements sorted though.

Moussemoose · 24/03/2018 07:44

You want to stop your dd going on holiday because he lied to you.

She already knows about the relationship, she has already spent time with them. Is it appropriate? Probably not but your dd already knows.

Do you want co parenting to be filled with bitterness - see the thread about the SM not being invited to a sd's wedding?

He has emotionally left you, you are divorcing his life is no concern of yours. He is her dad, it's a holiday. Is it really worth the bitterness and anger saying no will cause?

Alabama3 · 24/03/2018 07:50

if the divorce has been going on for 2 years then I'm not sure you can object to this? daughter knows the new partner

is there no way you can split your household? 2 years seems a very long time

do you have a new partner? are you planning to get one

hope you get this sorted

Flisspaps · 24/03/2018 08:01

Your daughter is going to be really confused, and not because of the holiday. I reckon you're both giving her a really odd idea of what a happy home is.

One of you needed to move out of the 'family home' because unto that happens, you're unlikely to be able to move on.

You're separated. I'm not saying this to be unkind but it is absolutely none of your business if he is seeing someone. Perhaps he denied it because you're still living under one roof and he thought it would be easier?

Sadandpregnantlady2018 · 24/03/2018 08:07

If I trust him with her for x amount of days I would let her go. Yes it’s wrong what he did but I would also mention this when giving the permission. Just say it’s fine to take her but you can’t speak to her about it before me. Simple.
Btw it’s so awkward that your all separated but still living together still.

Changedname3456 · 24/03/2018 08:15

I’m not sure you actually can stop the holiday - at least not without risking him doing the same back when you want to take her. And if he wants to push it to court then I’m pretty certain they’d tell you not to stop it (although I’m not a lawyer).

It’s shitty that he’s lied to you, but was it really any of your business what he was actually doing in terms of that new relationship? You’re separated - he doesn’t have to tell you anything about it and imo you need to take a step back for your own well-being or you’re just going to get consumed by it.

As pp have said, getting yourselves disentangled from the current living situation would be a big help.

Walkaboutwendy · 24/03/2018 08:18

If he has the money for holidays why can't he use it to move out instead?

You could say that you will support the holiday on the condition he moves out.

CaptainM · 24/03/2018 08:21

I don't think you should make a decision about the holiday until you've had a calm conversation with him. I'd be curious about the plans for his holiday e.g. sleeping arrangements - how would your daughter feel about them? Does she know what to expect? Would she feel guilty being there with them and playing happy families, knowing you're back home on your own? Just make sure you've both explored these possibilities, then if you do decide to let her go (assuming you're reassured they've thought things through), then have a conversation with your daughter to find out how she feels about the holiday. Does she want to go? If so, address some of the above questions with her and make sure she really has your blessing (if you can give it), and reassure her that you'll be fine, could use the 'me time' yourself etc so she's not left dealing with guilt. Yes, yes right tough..but if you can, be the bigger person here Flowers

larrygrylls · 24/03/2018 08:23

I think a lot of people don’t seem to get that divorce means not only sharing the financial proceeds of the union but decisions about the children too (unless abuse, neglect etc etc).

You cannot stop him without good reason, so you need to learn to smile and say ‘have a great time’ regardless of how you may feel.

The alternative is to waste time and (lots of) money having an undignified pay-per-hour marital tiff in a court room and probably still not achieve what you want. This will just build resentment and make any kind of decent co-parenting impossible,with all the collateral damage this implies to your children.

CaptainM · 24/03/2018 08:23

*yes, it's tough...not "yes right tough". Bloody autocorrect!

Ginger1982 · 24/03/2018 10:24

He can afford to go on holiday with your DD and go to Miami and he can't afford to move out and rent a cheap flat? The whole situation seems quite badly handled but yes, if you wanted to go on holiday with DD you wouldn't be happy if he stopped you. If she has met OW and is wanting to go and seems happy enough I would let her go. How long are they wanting to go for? I think a week would be enough.

RedForFilth · 24/03/2018 11:38

She's not in danger or anything so I don't know what you can really do. The living arrangements you all have sound more damaging than a holiday.
I know it's hard. Ds's dad moved ow in with him to play happy families for my sons monthly visit. I just didn't say anything because it's just life.
Plus you may want to take your daughter away and wouldn't like to be stopped