I’m a long time lurker trying to get my head straight about some of my most recent ex DP’s behaviour. I’m trying to rebuild my life and sense of self-worth after the breakup but it’s an uphill battle and I’m still not convinced it’s not all my fault. Bit of an essay ahead...
It’s safe to say my mind is completely fucked after five years together. I’ve been reading Why Does He Do That which has been an eye-opener but I’m struggling to deconstruct behaviour which I came to think of as normal. I’m due to have therapy but the MH team think I’m too fragile to start at the moment.
My ex was violent and aggressive. He has a Jekyll and Hyde personality and I walked on a lot of eggshells. On the one hand he could be the most loving, generous person you would wish to meet, but this was conditional. If I failed to meet his expectations or he bumped into a chair, his mood would turn very dark, especially after he’d been drinking.
He was never physically violent towards me but he would frequently lash out violently at things. He’d shout and kick objects (e.g. the chair he bumped into). During an argument he’d kick stuff, throw stuff, slam stuff, smash stuff. If he was doing DIY stuff and he dropped something or made a mistake, he’d take whatever he had in his hand, like a saw, and start thrashing it at things inches away from me. I would be terrified. He’d hit my car. Once, when I asked him not to do that, he threw my keys across the car park.
I dreaded him accidentally knocking himself against something or tripping over. He’d actually scream and lash out. This could happen several times a week, or even a day.
If we had a row in the car he would drive fast and aggressively, throwing me round corners. Once, when I asked him not to eat in my car while he was driving, he suddenly stood on the brakes which threw me forward and hurt my neck, and also left my chest red where the seatbelt had cut into me. Another time I thought somebody was about to walk out in front of the car with their pram so I said “careful” and he shouted at the top of his voice, repeatedly, that I was a fucking idiot.
He would go through periods of drinking heavily and his mood always turned dark, always at me. We’d be having an ordinary innocuous conversation about something and he’d suddenly make a remark about something I had supposedly done/said wrong hours, days or even weeks ago. He made me believe I was the catalyst for all his nasty behaviour and I lost all my self-esteem. I thought (and still think) I was a horrible person to make him so angry.
One birthday he brought up something I had done wrong weeks before and shouted at me until I was in tears. He’d never compliment me and whenever I asked him what he thought of something I was wearing or a haircut or whatever, he’d simply say “Yeah, it’s OK.” When I told him this bothered me he accused me of fishing for compliments. Didn’t stop him looking at other women though.
One Christmas he was in a rage with me because I was looking at the fire rather than him. We played Monopoly and he threw the board across the room because I was winning and I should have let him have such and such a street. He spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ignoring me. It was awful.
He never stopped me from seeing friends but he was deeply unpleasant about them, accused them of having bad intentions and refused to socialise with them. I’d always hoped we could build a circle of friends together.
He walked out on me countless times. Often a row would result in him packing his things and staying with his parents, or disappearing completely, leaving me not knowing what the fuck was going on or if he was ever coming back. It made me needy and desperate. Sometimes I would beg him to come back. I don’t know why.
The final straw was when I accidentally injured myself quite badly and got no sympathy, despite me bleeding. The next day he said it was my own stupid fault and told me I was exaggerating it all. I asked him to leave and he took no responsibility for any of the events that led up to it, instead acting Poor Me and Horrible You. He has never referred to it as anything other than me kicking him out for no reason.
So, that’s it really. I’m sorry this post is so long. I think I lost myself in that relationship and I feel broken as a person. I don’t dare get into another relationship in case I do this to someone else. The person I was with before him was also aggressive and abusive towards me so I’ve come to think I must do that to men. In between these times he would go out of his way to do things for me, buy me lovely birthday and Christmas presents for example and I feel ungrateful writing this, which rationally I know is stupid. I was so in love with him and we spent some wonderful times together that I wouldn’t change for a thing, but the damage the relationship has caused me has very nearly killed me.