It’s too soon but I don’t want to stop seeing him

[Chelsea26]

Ok not sure what I’m after here but feel the need to write it down.

I have recently seperated from my husband, we’ve been in seperate rooms since September and in counselling but at beginning of February I told him that it was over. For me it’s been over for a while but for him it came as a big shock so he asked for us not to do anything concrete for a while so he could get his head around things. Se we haven’t done anything, still in the same house, still co-parenting and have told a few family and friends but not our children yet.

Anyway a few weeks ago i met this guy at a work thing, we got chatting and then stayed chatting all night and then we kissed. He asked me out and I told him my situation and that it was too soon. He said he completely understood, we swapped numbers because we can do business together so it made sense.

Anyway he sent me a really nice message the next day saying that he’d like to see me again if/when I was in a position to do so.

I didn’t really know what to do but thought that maybe if I saw him again it would be awkward and weird and that would stop me thinking about him so next time I was in town I text him and we met for coffee.

It wasn’t weird, it was lovely...

Anyway since then we’ve been messaging daily, just chatting and stuff and we’ve met for another coffee and met again for a drink last night and had a quite serious chat...

I really, really like him. He seems really nice and normal and he says he really likes me too but again there is no pressure and we can continue as we are, or I can press pause for six months and see where he and I are then.

That is the sensible option I know - my husband would be very unhappy if he knew, even though we are separated and, in theory, I am doing nothing wrong. And I really want our split to be amicable for the kids

Also I don’t know if I am just basking in the glow of someone being kind and complimentary to me after years of being ignored by my husband and maybe this guy is not all that so again pressing pause and sorting my head out is the sensible option

But I don’t want to

So I suppose my questions are

How soon is too soon?
Should I press pause?
If I don’t press pause Do I tell my husband or continue to ‘lie by omission’ and hope he doesn’t find out?

I am in such a similar situation to you. Myself and my H are still cohabiting while we are waiting for mediation but I've moved on a long time ago. It was more of a shock for him. Last week I was at a gig and kissed a friend of a friend. Even though in theory I did nothing wrong I felt awful. Nothing else has happened between me and the other guy and I wouldn't want it to anyway.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that your guy sounds very respectful and I would be in favour of pausing things to sort out stuff with your husband and wait until he has accepted it more and has moved out. If the other guy really likes you then 6 months is nothing and gives you a clear head whilst separating.

Thanks NK - good advice. He is being very respectful and decent about it all which is obviously lovely but also makes me like him even more

He sounds lovely and the fact he is willing to pause things rather than push says a lot about him and his character

For me it’s been over for a while

It may not be too soon if this ^ is genuinely the case. Obviously taking it slowly is the best option and will help your husband come to terms with the situation but I don't think you need to discount a new relationship if you felt it was over months ago.

My friend is 8 years separated and her ex husband is still telling her he is devastated and she feels she cannot move on because of the way he feels. Don't end up like that, its heart breaking to see her unhappy because her ex is pulling at heart strings.

Thanks reinette

That is 100% true, I feel emotionally and physically ready to move on. It’s just hard logistically and I do want to be respectful of my husband’s feelings.

I did expect to have a couple of casual flings to start with and I didn’t expect anything so quickly but although it’s really early days this guy feels more than a fling.

I just called him and we had a chat, once again he was lovely and said he doesn’t want to cause any upset and I need to do whatever I need to do. We’ve agreed to not communicate for a week so I can think things through and make a decision without distraction. It’s wise but I’m already sad

We’ve agreed to not communicate for a week so I can think things through and make a decision without distraction Ahh the biggest distraction going is not seeing someone and waiting for that day when you will

Good luck and I wish you all the best. Everyone deserves to be happy and life is too short to remain miserable a day longer than you need to be.

Nice as it maybe I would advise you keep him at arms length until you are properly separated from husband and not in the same house. If he found out it would prob cause you no end of grief and make him think that's why you are separating.

I hadn’t thought of that marie

Again good advice that I don’t want to take but know I probably have to...

Urgh - why couldn’t I have met him 6 months later...

I'm in the same boat. Relationship failed 4 years ago and been co habiting but only recently properly separated last year. He moves abroad next month. There is someone dear I like who I think likes me back though I'm not sure. Friends have said he's being respectful of the fact he still technically lives here. So I get it. And agree with previous poster - he could be doing the decent thing, so hang on in there with positive thoughts. If he is genuine then he will be there when it's right. If not, then you know he wasn't the right one x

This happened to me. I didn't even feel it had been over between me and exh that long tbh! I felt totally unready and vulnerable. I kept him at arm's length. Enjoyed the attention and sex. Nimbly dodged any talk of long term.

Anyway here we are two years later, very happy.

Life is really short. Get legal advice, understand the risk (if any) to technically committing adultery during the marriage. Go from there.

Thanks tracy and prize I’m sorry I didn’t see your message until now... I just came on to update that I have just been dumped in the most caring, eloquent and dignified way imaginable.

He’s sent me a message saying that he’s stepping away because I need time and space to process things and concentrate on looking after the boys and myself and because he doesn’t want to jump into something and end up hurt because it was too soon for me and I end up feeling trapped and regretful.

Honestly it was the kindest, nicest message you’ve ever read, he summed up everything I’ve been trying to say and put himself out there too. So I suppose if nothing else I’m a good judge of character

Anyway that’s where we are; it’s the right decision, made for all the right reasons and who knows, maybe in 6 months/a year I can give him a call and ask him out knowing that he is what I want...

He sounds lovely, keep some space but send the occasional text for next few months I say

He does sound balanced and empathetic and insightful - and also with a healthy dash of self-preservation.

Get yourself and the split sorted out and see how you feel a few months down the line.

He sounds like such a a lovely fella. Hope you're okay

Thanks all - yeah he’s an all round decent bloke!

yetmorecrap we work in similar industries so I may well bump into him at functions and things - rather than sending texts. I think I need to respect that he’s said goodbye for now.

Green Yes he did say he wasn’t being completely selfless and that he was protecting himself too. Kind and sensible (sigh!)

NK thank you - yes I’m ok, I know it’s for the best and I’m grateful to him for doing it when I was struggling to.

Onwards and upwards - stbxh and I are having a talk on saturday to try to agree how best to move forward so positive, practical steps being taken over here...

I was in a similar situation went all in too quick with a rebound relationship but I hadn't properly dealt with all of the surpressed emotions etc after the end of my marriage. Even though my marriage was finished there was a lot of emotion in regard to practical stuff. I still felt like I was being unfaithful and I hadn't really grieved all of my hopes for the future. I think he sounds lovely and hopefully it will work out in the future for you as you deserve. The end of a marriage is always sad even if you no longer in love with ex. My friend said something very wise to me - noone wants to fill a void when something as difficult as a marriage breakup happens...
I loved the attention and bond of my rebound but I so so wish I had met him in a years time. It broke my heart again had I been more ready we might have had a decent shot at it...

Thanks yogagirl and I’m sorry that happened to you. it’s exactly what I was scared of and exactly why he put a stop to it today.

Who knows what will happen in the future but at least we’ve given ourselves a fair shot at it...