I don’t know what to do

[WheresYouWheelieBin]

Some info, for context. DH and I have been together for 24 years, married for 20 years. We have three children, and, I thought, a happy marriage. We’ve had the usual ups and downs but nothing major relationship-wise, and I thought we were a good team. I had cancer 15 years ago, the treatment impacted on my libido and it never really recovered. I had to have a total hysterectomy three years ago which removed my ovaries as well as my uterus, and I can’t take HRT because of my medical history. That has really been difficult, it’s been really hard for DH and I to be intimate because I’d been in early menopause for years prior to my hysterectomy and having my ovaries removed sent me straight into menopause. I have really bad vaginal atrophy, which I am trying to treat with estrogen pessaries (it’s the only treatment i can have) but sex is really not the same as it used to be, it’s still quite painful for me. We’ve found other ways to be close, and for DH to enjoy himself, but PIV sex has always been my preference, I’m not into oral or being touched and I know that frustrates him, but it’s my body and he can’t make me enjoy that so that he can enjoy doing it.

Fast forward to my issue - I’ve found out that DH has been seeing escorts. At first I thought it was at night time when he’d been out with friends, had been drinking etc (he has a drinking problem, he drinks every night, always a bottle of wine, often plus spirits). But then I realised that he’s seeing them during the day, popping out while he’s at work. This time it’s been twice in the last 24 hours. I see the text messages on his phone - he deletes them but not immediately. I knew our sex life was disappointing him, and I’ve really tried to fix things - in amongst caring for our children, working, looking after the house etc - but I find it really hard to find energy at the end of the day to put on lingerie and be sexy.

I really can’t believe it. Escorts. Plural. How do I sort this out? I love my husband and I love our life, and I thought the feelings were mutual. If we were to split up over this our children would be devastated, and it would crush me. I thought we were a team. What do I do?

I am amazed you are considering staying with him, you are making excuses for him 'mid life crisis'? One that has probably been going on for decades.

He has no respect for you, you have no respect for you and your life will carry on as normal. Only now you really won't want to sleep with the dirty rotter. God knows where he has been, how can you even let him kiss your children? Doesn't it make you feel sick to look at him and know where he is has been?

Prostitution is exploitation in the main part, of vulnerable women and girls. They have been trafficked, held against their will, young and desperate, addicts etc. A whole level of underworld he is bringing with him into your family home.

I think you are out of your mind to stay with a man like this.

Surely you realise he can still be a loving father to your children without being married to you? Don’t use your kids as an excuse not to go.

Your self esteem must be through the floor. I wouldn’t put up with the alcoholism let alone the cheating, but you’re not only putting up with it you’re actively excusing it! Your medical history has not caused this, his sense of entitlement has. He won’t change, his response when you asked him to reduce his drinking should tell you that. I hope you get your own counselling and you stop taking his shit.

Depression doesn't cause people to use escorts, OP. Please don't use this as an excuse.

I see you trying to justify his behaviours in all sorts of ways and it makes me very sad. He's not a great father or husband: he's an alcoholic, a liar, and he exploits vulnerable women for his own pleasure--you included.

Get yourself an STI check ASAP. And perhaps get some counselling for you on your own, to see how you really feel.

I think you are out of your mind to stay with a man like this

This. Absolutely. I would be gone.

Thank you for your input everyone. I have started having a conversation with DH about this, it’s been really difficult and deciding what to do is not something I can do overnight. I have a 25 year history with DH; he is the father of my children, and has supported me through my cancer treatment, and very difficult IVF. What he has done is abhorrent, but I can’t simply end our relationship without making some attempt to work our marriage through it. We have too much water under the bridge. Your views have given me perspective and the confidence to stand up and put a stop to the behaviour. Hopefully once and for all. Thanks.

Would you rather that he had started an affair with a colleague ? Genuine question from a sex worker.