Mil - over dramatic or justified? Alzheimers

[VioletPickles]

Cutting a long story short..
Mil has always been very very demanding. Its her way or no way. Her sons and daughters are scared of her and they do what ever she wants to avoid the emotional blackmail.

Now FIL has been diagnosed with alzheimers. From Google, it would appear he in the very early moderate, stage. He still works, but can't remember days of week, or current affairs, or where he has put things. He's quite deaf which doesn't help.

Mil will not let him talk or do anything for himself. She will answer for him, almost babying him, she drags him around with her to every thing, friends and family visits, babysitting, shopping. She speaks to him like a child. He never gets a choice in anything. It's hard to ever get him alone to see how he's feeling, the last time he was asked he just said that he felt normal.

So. The over dramatic bit! Mil has been to all his appointments (she won't let him go alone or let anyone else attend too,) and has now told the family that he will die within the year, that he's walking with a stoop (he's not), that he's declining every day and everyone should spend us much time as possible with him, (I understand that obvs).
Its so difficult to know what to do. Is she justified? How can I support my husband in this? (he blames his mum alot for being so over powering, domineering and dressing his dad out)?
or could she be right all along??

I think she has every right to be concerned and help her husband. However maybe taking him every where and saying he's going to die in a year is a bit OTT.

However I think you are a little bit awful for saying this stuff about MIL. That is after all her husband and she's probably concerned and worried. You have zero clue what she's feeling or going through. Support your husband, FIL and MIL. Even when you feel she's being OTT.

My mother has Alzheimer's and I know patients with it are very much encouraged to have someone with them at appointments, due to the nature of the illness - they may forget something critical.

Telling everyone he's going to die within the year etc sounds like a hysterical reaction. Has she gone into panic mode? Was she like this before?

My mother won't leave my father out of her sight; she's in the moderate stages and sulks hugely if he chooses to do something other than spend time with her. My point there being that the carer needs support as well as the patient. Would she avail of the support of the Alzheimer's society?

Tbh, I’m not sure you can do anything. It’s their relationship and some parts of it, maybe parts that seem strange, will be exacerbated by an illness.

Oh no, I realise she needs support, definitely from her children rather than me initially I imagine. Although if she wants to talk I'll be there. She does tend to be dramatic / attention seeking day to day so it's probably a pattern. You are right I think it is symptomatic of their relationship. I guess I don't want my dh thinking he's about to die when he's not? It's putting him off spending time with her. Herewego I'm sorry to hear about your mother, it's a horrible illness x

Your MIL has not changed an iota over the intervening years; she still wants to control everyone around her. Its not their fault she is the ways she is, her own family of origin did that?. What if anything do you know about her own childhood, that often gives clues.

Her actions are not justified and she is also becoming the gatekeeper of information to maintain power and control. This is basically a continuation of their unhealthy codependent relationship. FIL handed over all his power to her years ago and what she is doing now is a further continuation of all that. He still does not and certainly won't actually get a life of his own now and I do not think she wants to talk to you.

What does your H think about his parents now?. How was their relationship prior to his father's diagnosis.

Thanks, Violet. In our situation my mother was always the controlling and demanding one. As the disease progresses she reacts very badly to situations that aren't about her because she just doesn't get them and can be very stroppy.

I actually think your MIL might find some of the Alzheimer Society support groups helpful - from genuinely getting practical advice, but also to give her forum to talk about how hard she has is etc. That may sound cynical but she seems to want/need an audience and it may help her from dramatising the situation for everyone else. That said, she may just hear info about how much worse it can get

Alzheimer's is different for every patient. It's very unlikely your FIL will experience a sudden decline in one year unless there are other underlying health conditions. It's generally not a 'fast' illness from what the doctors have told us.

Sounds like she’s repeatedly by the pattern of how she’s always been.

However in addition to that it sounds like she’s also trying to think ahead and prepare herself and maybe others for what’s to come.

If he’s moderate in behaviour now then this has been going on for some time undiagnosed. The Alzheimer’s society themselves say the average length of time somebody will live with the disease is half that of someone without and that’s a hard thing to get your head around.

It’s a tough thing for your dh to be going through at the best of times, even without you MIL’s extreme personality. I’m not sure what you can do about this though? He needs someone at appointments with him and unless your dh or someone else is able to go too, this’ll always be your MIL and the information from that filtered by her.

What brilliant advice as ever, thank you all. Atilla you are absolutely spot on. Especially the gatekeeper bit. She's always had to know everything first. I remember once someone told her about my daughter (long term poorly) being in hospital. Now this wasn't actually true, she was at home but mil went mad at my h. Not for concern for dd, but because she'd heard it from someone else.

I do think it's been going on for some time, but he's always been so quietabd in the back ground that it possibly went unnoticed.. Herewe, that's a great suggestion re the groups. I hope that she can accept or take in discussion and points of view from other people going through it. FIL, is still working, for now, so dh can't understand why she'd say he's only got a yr. She insists no one google the symptoms etc too. I actually think she needs an awful lot of support too, it's an awful illness

Joy, my dh very happy to go with him, and I think that would help him relax in appointments but she wouldn't allow it.
In terms of her family, she's one of 8,the youngest I think, but they all had a falling out yrs ago over someone ignoring her in the supermarket so now they are split into two factions...

I gave known lots of carers for people with alzheimers. None if them behaved this way. She has either cracked mentally from the stress or she is purposefully preventing you all from knowing the full extent of Fils health then using it as a stick to beat you with although to what ends I am not sure.

My MIL is quite the opposite, she married him young she 43 him 65 second marriage, my husband despairs because all she wants to do is get rid of him, she hates being in the same room, he is in mid stage Alzheimer's and just wants to be somewhere familiar IE his home, she can't stand him around and wants to put him in s home asap, which upsets my OH, I think you are lucky having a wife who cares so much x

Knowing what I do. I think it’s best they got in a home sooner whilst there’s enough left to form new habits so they aren’t thinking it’s not home.