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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a mess

15 replies

ReginaPhalange2 · 22/03/2018 22:40

Urgh what a bloody mess my relationship is.

I’m a sahm. OH has own business works upwards of 60+ hours a week. This is mon-sat every week. Last year he had 5 days off excluding Sunday’s.

I do everything for the kids and I’ve done w wry bedtime for 6 years.

My eldest is 6 and he’s been to her school twice.

He’s just blown up and went mental because he sAid I’m taking the piss by going to my gym class. I usually go three days but last week I went to 8 classes because there was a taster session on of 3 hours one day. I’d never normally do this.

I’ve tried to get him to have something for himself but he won’t. But I feel like he doesn’t wNt me to do anything either.

I’ve tried suggesting taking more people on at work, he won’t.
I fully intend on going back to work once youngest starts school a year come September but this won’t chnge how much he works. The only thing that will happen is I’ll have to do everything plus work. I know this for a fact because even when I worked full time he worked like this.

There’s loads of other stuff but I don’t even know what I want from writing this down.

I need to go to my class it’s the only time I get Away from the kids.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 22/03/2018 22:50

What are his suggestions to solve the problem? You have offered yours. And yours are very sensible, IMO.

I wonder if he will realise how ridiculous the suggestion that you dont go out alone (ie without kids) for even couple hours a week is, when he is forced to say it out loud!

Remind him that for every hour he is at work, you are looking after your children (as in, his children too!). You enable him to work. Do you think he thinks that its all a jolly for you and that you arent contributing as much as him?

ReginaPhalange2 · 22/03/2018 22:57

Yeah I think he does think that. He comes in and makes a point of doing stuff in the house I haven’t got round to, not major things just things like folding the clothes.

My youngest still wakes 4 times a night and am the one who gets up with him. I make sure the house is secure and everything turned off, he falls asleep or goes to bed doing none of these things. Then he invents scenarios that haven’t actually happened and I don’t know how to respond to this because it isn’t true. I can see in his face he fully believes it though it’s crazy!!!

For example, I washed the floor Tuesday before he came in from work and he is adamant this didn’t happen and he did it. Wtaf???

I’m frazzled

OP posts:
ReginaPhalange2 · 22/03/2018 23:03

Sorry not meaning to drip feed

He hates me ringing him to ask what time he is in hefeels like this is an extra pressure on him.

I don’t see it that way as I’m not on the phone to him every day asking this, he might ring me and I’ll say so what time Re you finishing tonight.

There’s never a set time it could be 6 or it could be 10/11pm. So I don’t see how this is unreasonable.

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 22/03/2018 23:57

What are his ideas for solving the problems in your relationship?

Why are you with him?

Misleadorlie · 23/03/2018 00:05

Oh my days! LTB! You are literally doing everything and that’s not fair. He gets to carry on with his career regardless and you’re stuck doing the donkey work. Fuck that!!!

ReginaPhalange2 · 23/03/2018 08:16

Bloody hell ladies
He’s like a child
He’s lying in bed saying he isn’t going to work today as he’s not running around like a headless chicken for me at work while I go on like I do.

Seriously wtf

OP posts:
5LeafClover · 23/03/2018 08:21

Is he at home with the kids when you go to the gym at night or is it that you are going while the kids are at school/nursery and he thinks you should be at home doing housework instead?

Sarsparella · 23/03/2018 08:22

So tell him not to go to work, he can stay at home with the kids, give him a list of all the things you’d get done today and go out for the day somewhere/anywhere and leave him to it

When you go back to work get a cleaner & he pays half

His business is unsustainable if he still has to work such long hours, what are his reasons for not taking on staff? Does his business make a good profit or just take up long hours?

Hermonie2016 · 23/03/2018 08:25

He is deciding how you live your life, just because he works crazy hours doesn't mean you have to.

Who has the dc whilst you exercise? Is the issue cost of childcare?

I would start a journal on those incidents such as the floor washing, its called gas lighting.Horrible abusive behaviour designed to make you doubt yourself.

Re today, I would tell him, good idea to take some rest and then ignore him.Let him sulk if he wants to.

QuiteLikely5 · 23/03/2018 08:36

Is this business profitable? Do you have a comfortable lifestyle?

Can you afford a cleaner?

No holidays either?

Where is the joy?

What are his good points?

Can you afford the mortgage without him

GeekyWombat · 23/03/2018 08:38

You need an actual calm discussion. If he’s really taking the day off try and make the most of it. How many DC do you have at home? Once you’ve done the school run can you get some time to properly talk? He sounds (petulant, unreasonable and annoying) but also like he’s frazzled too. Maybe now is the time for a full and frank discussion about how this can’t continue for either of your mental health?

Good luck OP. I hope you manage a reasonable conversation with him and he actually listens to your side of things!

Cricrichan · 23/03/2018 09:39

I've lived like that for over 10 years. Him paying the bills is.His justification for doing what he wants. He's not as bad as your oh though as he will take time off and isn't as disrespectful as your oh to me.

But yes, let him stay home and you look at getting back to work.

ReginaPhalange2 · 23/03/2018 20:21

Sorry just checking in now

I’ve been helping my friend out all day today, it’s been arranged for months.

So I was out of the way.

I have a 3 year old who Isnt in childcare and a 6 year old at school.

The not taking people on is a control thing I think.

There’s a job I’ve seen I think I’m going to apply for I need to do something.

He usually watches the kids twice a week and my auntie has them the third time.

Thanks for all of your answers

OP posts:
ReginaPhalange2 · 23/03/2018 20:22

Oh and I’m waiting for the “I haven’t been to work today so how do you expect me to put money in to pay the bills” conversation...

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 24/03/2018 05:43

What’s the point in him?
Redeeming features?
He’s not a decent father nor a decent husband.

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