OW and ex in-laws

[RainyApril]

I know I shouldn't care, but I have known my ex in-laws for decades. We've maintained contact despite the divorce four years ago, and I honestly do care about them a great deal.

There are some pretty big things going on in their lives right now and it's so hard watching xh and ow (well she was the ow, obviously a proper partner now) comforting them and running errands and helping them to make plans.

It's ridiculous after all this time but I still feel like she's living my life, and I feel irrationally angry at how they have accepted her.

I also struggle to maintain the 'correct' level of contact. They live nearby and I see them all regularly, usually instigated by them. I don't want to cut contact because I love them, but I don't want anyone saying I'm the lunatic ex wife who won't let go.

So I suppose I was interested in what other people thought. Is it ok to maintain contact? How do I get over the fact that she's their DIL now (well she's not married to xh, but partners), that they seem to like her?

Please don't tell me I'm being ridiculous, I know that, I just can't seem to stop.

Do you have children together?
Sometimes one of the worst parts of letting go of any relationship, is letting go of the other people in their family.
i'm not saying that's what you should do, but you are your number one prioity, your own health and mental well being

and unfortunately wether she was the OW or not, she is part of their life now, they might not want it, or even like her, but their son will always come first to them.
I don't think there is anyrthing wrong with the way you feel. anyone would feel like you do, but a lot of people would walk away from the whole situation for their own sanity

There's no reason not to maintain contact OP,if they are happy,and clearly are as they instigate most contact,and you're happy,it's nobodies business.
Perhaps talk to them and say you would like to help if they want anything done.
You are not being ridiculous at all

I my family and uncle left his wife for a younger model after two kids.

The, now ex, wife visits his parents often, is invited to family events, calls them Mum and dad, is completely a part of the family.

The now new wife hates it but has been told that the ex is family and she needs to accept that she can’t replace her.

Been that way for yrs now so things have calmed down.

But no ever thought to leave the ex wife out of anything.

I have the opposite. I was with my ex husband for 16 years before we split. From 13 to 29. So we grew up together. I never hear from any of them.

So many family occasions I was there for etc and now they don't even say hello if they see me.

However we had no kids but I didn't expect to be cut out completely.

Walrus

I agree with Hunting op - perhaps you need to take a big step back for your own sanity. Having all this in your face constantly can't be helping.

Not ridiculous AT ALL. God, it takes years to heal from a betrayal like that

OP do you have dc with exH?

Thanks everyone. It means a lot to hear that people understand. I'd never admit it in rl, I think ex wives are supposed to pretend that everything is fine at all times. Admitting to still feeling hurt, after a certain point, gives rise to accusations of bitterness or not being able to move on, even on mn.

Yes we had dc, four, all independent now.

That's awful walrus, what a terrible way for them to behave. I know it's small comfort, but it may be a good thing that such people are out of your life.

oh rainy sending you lots of love.

Don't let go of your family if you've known them that long.

you have every right to be angry and I HATE the word bitter, it's fucking bullshit. and you'll move on in your own time, I hate all of those things that people say.

take your time, do what you have to, keep in contact with people you want to. they obvioiusly love you a lot.

things will get better, I promise.

It is a good thing in a way. Obviously they are going to be more loyal to their son/brother etc especially with no kids but it did still hurt.

Now however I'm very happy with DP and our daughter so I can move on

and if people are accusing you of being bitter, then they lack TOTAL empathy and you're a better person than them by far

Don't forget now she is his dp there is a vacancy for ow....

I can relate to the comment about seeing her live your life.

I was dumped like a ton of bricks by his parents, but I had a weird spell with friends where they gradually crossed over to be his friends - it was tough hearing that they'd all met for dinner, or that the ow had attended their kids birthday parties.

Also his sisters seamlessly went to calling the ow their sister, and posting photos of them all together. I think that was around 5 weeks after I'd caught him cheating and kicked him out. That hurt - I was left alone with our 18 month old baby, felt totally irrelevant and forgotten.

Anyway the aspect that I suppose is similar to your dilemma is that I maintain a relationship with my (ex) step children. It's totally resented by the ow, and my ex doesn't do a great deal to facilitate the relationship. Luckily their mum is happy with it. I've had doubts about whether I should let it drift but I love them, they love me and I won't dump them simply cos their dad has started a new relationship.

i think Hunting is right. I found it really difficult that OW took my place in the family even though I have no feelings for ex at all, I still care for his family. I still see MIL. FIL passed away last year and he took OW to funeral which I found difficult as she hardly knew him. I did think about cutting contact, as hunting said, for my own sanity but decided against it. It does get better over time, I arrange visits with adult children and we always have a nice day together and I'll keep this up.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. I would continue contact, you are obviously important to them if they normally instigate contact. They have to accept OW she is their sons partner now, but she can never replace you, for one thing you gave them 4 grandchildren.

Woke up to more lovely replies. Thank you

I'm sorry for those of you who have been dumped by previous in laws, they must be utterly heartless.

I'm glad people think it's ok to maintain contact, even if it's not always good for my own wellbeing. I think I'll continue contact, take my lead from them, and trust that it'll get easier with time.

Hi, I am sorry you are going through this OP. It is part of the reality of divorce. I cant comment, I have not been in your shoe. But if you are finding you are not getting proper sleep and its affecting your life and daily routine by dwelling on your interaction with your ex-in laws, it might be wise to tone down the contact a bit for your own well being.