Is it me or him??

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Just want some outsiders views on this.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 6 months. It's going ok, he's a great guy and treats me really well although he can be a bit needy and intense at times. He says he's never been like this before but I make him feel needy.

A bit of info.... I'm 47 and 4 years out of a 25 year relationship and have my own place I live in with my son. He is 42, and still lives with his parents. He's lived with people before but just seems to end up back home, his longest relationship was about 6 years.

Anyway I tend to see him once during the week and at weekends, it's more than enough for me but he's not happy with this and says after six months I should be committing more. The key point is he wants to live with me and I said after six months it's a ridiculous conversation to be having and not something I would consider for years yet if ever. He says what's the point waiting and what will I know in two years time that I don't know now and he also says we will only ever know if we're compatible if we live together. I've told him no way, it's not on the agenda.

I told him if he had his own place he wouldn't be bothered about living with me and that at his age he shouldn't be living with his parents anyway. They get on his nerves, and I'm sure he gets on theirs. His relationship with his dad is pretty non existent and he could afford to go and rent somewhere yet he doesn't, just stays and then moans about them.

He is a great guy, very kind and caring, adores me ( probably too much) and whilst I do care about him he doesn't set my world on fire.

So...... after six months is the moving in conversation normal or is it just utterly crazy! My mind boggles as to why after getting out of a controlling marriage would I turn move someone into my home, and I fail to see why he can't understand that and just looks on it as rejection. I'm thinking I may be better off just finishing it so he can find someone who wants the same things he does, because I just feel trapped now and under pressure and it started me thinking maybe it's me who's being unreasonable and not him.

Can't afford it? On 30k??? Does he have some massive debt you don't know about? Or gambling problems? Also very odd to not pay rent to his parents. His financials seem off.

But that is far from the only issue...

Writing this without reading other responses, because I don't want my thoughts to be led by other opinions.

This leapt out at me - He says he's never been like this before but I make him feel needy. You cannot make anyone feel anything. His feelings are his responsibility.... What he means is he isn't getting one of his needs met by you. What need is that? To be reassured all the time? Do you want to provide that? You are under no obligation to meet his needs, if you don't want to.

And then *after six months I should be committing more". Why should you? Who says? How do you feel about it? Clearly from your post, you aren't on the same page, or even in the same book as him!

So, time to let him go? It doesn't sound as though either of you are really what the other is looking for....

@Smeaton

What the fuck?? Are you always this rude?

I didn't say anything about moving in together, for a start.

3 things here;
He's pressuring you
Doesn't sound like you fancy him that much
You don't miss him....
.....say no more

I don't think he sounds like a good partner for you. I hate neediness as well; and definitely wouldn't move in with someone after only 6 months.

Probably time to end it

after finding your own paradise after a 25 year controlling relationship.. just to hand it over to someone you've been seeing for 6 months...

not a chance OP.. I'd never give up that little haven you have.. I'd rather end the relationship that let him move in

It sounds like you're not really into him to be honest....

Neediness is not an attractive trait and in a "supposed" man, especially so!
I get the feeling that he is looking for a Mummy.
You don't seem exactly "over the moon" either.

I think this could work OP but only if he is prepared to get himself somewhere on his own for a couple of years and prove he can look after himself ok. I think his reaction to that will tell you what you need to know. I suspect you have a loveable man child, good boyfriend but not necessarily good live in partner but I would be upfront with him about it, if he says it’s move in or nothing then I think it has to be nothing!!!

I’d run to the hills, he sounds a bit unhinged.

YANBU in the slightest. 6 months is crazy like you ask in your opening post OP

End it. If he was the man for you you might find you'd be up for a trial period of living together but he clearly isn't the right guy. Go back to enjoying your space and being single or casual dating. You need time to recover from a bad marriage.

I'm curious though in general. How long is it ok just to date a guy if he rents/lives with his Mum and you own? If the guy wants the commitment of moving in?

As a PP said, how in God's name can he not afford to move out of mummy's house on 30K when he's not paying any rent or bills, and has no other responsibilities such as children?? That would worry me alone, never mind all the other issues. What does he DO with his money??
The more you post about him, the more it's screaming RUN. You and your son sound like you've got your heads screwed on. Time to kick him to the kerb, I think.

What suit and yetmorecrap said.
He sounds quite nice other than this moving in business.
Have a serious talk with him about your reasons not to and how he needs to break his cycle of moving in and moving back to his parents.
He needs to hear it.