AIBU about contact with OW

[desecrationsmile]

Hello everyone,

I posted a while ago about the separation my husband and I are going through. Won't go into all the details again.

All I really want to know is a sort of poll as to whether I am being unreasonable about this conversation/argument we had last night:

Obviously as we are getting divorced, we were having a very long discussion about things. I can't remember how it got on to this topic but we started talking about his boss at work and how she has gone out to lunch with this woman my husband had an affair with 2 1/2 years ago and then came to his office to tell him all about it (not his first affair but it was only an EA and a snog). I got miffed and upset because I hate the fact that everyone at his work knows about the affair and his boss apparently said at the time when it happened 'Well, hopefully this will make Desecrationsmile realise what she's got.' So last night I ranted for a minute or two about how unreasonable his boss is...not for going to lunch with this woman but for approaching my husband and talking to him about it which felt was kind of unnecessary. And anyway she was the OW to her now husband so she's hardly a virtuous woman blah blah.

My husband listened to me ranting and then tried to provide some sort of explanation for his boss approaching him. Apparently the OW kept asking about him and this made hiss boss concerned. Then I asked 'Did she (the OW) contact you?' To which he replied 'No'

Cue one minute more of conversation. Then I got the all too familiar exhale of breath, pained look in face and the words: 'Okay...'

Then he admitted that the OW did email him at the time and ask him how he is etc. He replied to her with similar small talk. Then she asked if she could talk to him about some stuff and he ignored her email.

(Sorry this is so long and petty)

This is my annoyance: firstly, he lied about it... admittedly for only about 5 mins but a lie is a lie. Secondly, he didn't tell me about this at the time. Thirdly, he hasn't mentioned it in the 12 months since. Fourthly, that he replied to her at all. Fifthly that his reply didn't sound like this: 'Fuck off you whore!' Then I felt terrible about bad mouthing his boss so said a sort of apology into the air in the hope that it would negate all the bitchy things I said about her. Because it turns out it was actually my husband that asked my boss if SHE had seen the OW, not the other way around. It's so bloody confusing when he changes his story like this.

AIBU? I know this is a really petty thing but it's just proof in my eyes that his default position is to lie. He has had a sort of change of heart after telling me he's leaving me. Now he says how much he loves me and keeps crying and being sad... then saying things like 'I just don't know what to do. There's no hoe. We can't make it work. etc etc.' But I just can't keep getting that sinking feeling for the rest of my life as he says, 'okay...' and then a confession. I just want some transparency. I don't want to know everything about his life; I want him to WANT to tell me the important stuff.

However, as I sat marinating this information in my head at 2am, it occurred to me that no wonder he doesn't want to tell me stuff, because I just use it as a stick to beat him with for about an hour. I don't think I invite him to be open. I suspect I overreact and that he doesn't want to rock the boat. Maybe he know I'd be annoyed that he engaged with the email, and that I would use it as evidence as to why he's not sorry about the affair.

I wonder what you guys think about this specific situation and about my reaction to it. I suspect that a lot of you will say LTB. However, what I really want is some counter arguments. I already know the arguments for why he's a pig. Is there something I'm missing here? AIBU?

About what to tell the kids: my advice is probably not the best. Just tell them divorce involves living apart. They already know you are divorcing. In fact earlier you go your separate ways better it will be for them. If you eventually decide to stay with him then the kids will have no problem with it. Frankly i am all for keepibg the dad but this man comes across as an inveterate cheater, bad dad and moody egoist .

He doesn't really want to leave. In your shoes I'd take a deep breath and get on with the divorce process. He sounds too silly for words. I'd not be sitting there whilst he's crying and wanting long talks. Don't encourage his mentionitis about the woman who dumped him out of the blue (I believe this is what's happened, hence him having long talks with you- he has a need to expunge without actually saying what happened). If you stay he will manipulate your mind and be a pain in the arse with his tedious stories about one woman or other who 'wants' him. There will be another woman that's for sure. He doesn't respect you so no good can come of staying with him

The takeaway from this is that you need to work on your detachment from him. He's messing with your head and you’re allowing him to, there isn’t a parallel universe where he isn’t a liar, cheat and so wrapped up in himself that he doesn’t see or care, the damage he’s still doing to you.

My Ex was forever telling me what others thought of me in some pathetic attempt to validate himself, even if I did buy his bullshit (which I didn’t), I couldn’t care less about the opinions of people who’d only heard his fabricated version of events. It was one of his insecurity tells, which I was wise to and he was oblivious to.

Mourn the man you wanted him to be and accept the pathetic self absorbed man baby he is. Let him go, he’s no good for you.

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for all the advice. MN is the only place I have to turn, as I haven't told anyone about any of this. I am seeing a counselor but we have a two week break for training and Easter so I'm well and truly on my own ATM. I have seen five counselors in the last four years (4 of them in the last 2 years)... in fact, I'm in constant therapy. They are helpful but really I just need someone to tell me what to do. I am actually a pretty good problem solver but this relationship has always trumped me.

Truthfully, he's being really humble ATM. Says he's so sorry for everything and that he would never do it again. Says he's finally seen the error of his ways etc. I think he is genuinely sorry NOW, but I know it's not long term. Trouble is, I feel really sorry for him. Not that that's a reason to stay married, but I feel like (and felt this in December) that a divorce is a failure and I COULD try harder. I want to be able to handle all of this, but I don't seem to be able to. All I do is nag and bitch all the time. And I'm not very affectionate. He say's he feels unloved and that I won't accept any blame. Which is prob true as I am so hung up on the infidelity.

I just wish he'd come to me one day and say 'Look, I've been having a six month affair with XYZ. We've been doing it all over the house. Sorry...' I think then, I could dump him. I'm not sure where my limits are exactly.

Magoria: yes that occurred to me too but how would I ever know?!

PrizeOik: he's asking me what to do. He asks me if I want him to leave. I say it's unfair to ask me to decide, seeing as he wanted to leave but has now changed his mind.

AnyFucker: I assume that's a euphemism. Not sleeping with him. That's the catalyst that started all this off. However, I am still being a housewife. But to be fair to him, he's putting his considerable wages into the joint bank account, and I am spending it.

Brakebackcyclebot: I'm not sure if anyone gets anything out of marriage other than company and financial security. I don't think we're different in that respect. I will be poor if we split but when he dumped me in December I went and got a "proper" part time job to supplement my self employed earnings. I would survive. However, I will miss him emotionally. We have been together since we were 14 (21 years). I have never been intimate with another man, not kissed another person since I was 14. How am I going to cope with any of this?

Anyway, thanks for the help. Sorry I have morphed the thread into something else.

kidsneedfathers: that's all great advice.

1: I agree he should leave the house for a while and have asked him to do this. His parents have a (small) house with spare room 3 miles away. He won't stay there. My parents live near enough in a massive farm house with loads of room. However I can't take the kids there as mum mum has Parkinson's and is a very strict born-again-Christian. My older brother who has Asperger's also lives there and wakes up most mornings demanding my parents give him money (he earns 80k a year) to send to his Filipino girlfriend... not joking! There's also a Polish family living there. I'd go and live there, but I'm not leaving my boys. I asked husband to go to a hotel for a week or two, but he won't.

2: yes my counselor also said this and I know it's good advice. However I am scared. My husband is a lawyer and I'm pretty scared of getting completely screwed. I'll look into it.

3 &4: good tips. Thanks.

5: the thing with the kids was awful. I said it was too soon but he insisted. Then when it came down to actually saying the words, he bottled out and ran out of the room saying 'I can't do it; you tell them,' which I did... sensitively. Maybe I should have made up some sort of lie like 'Dad's broken your favourite cup and he's really sorry.' but I'm a terrible liar. Then he came in crying. It was fucking awful. I was and am very disappointed about how all of that unfolded. I feel like he is messing with them, which I'm really annoyed about (but demonstrably not annoyed enough or a good enough mother to actually do something to protect them). about 2 weeks later he bought me a flowers for Valentine's day and made sure he left them out for me before he took the kids to school. He's never left stuff for me before and I suspect he was trying to send the message to the kids that he loves me and wants to stay. But if I suggest that to him he will probably deny it. I, on the other hand, bought him a cupcake (didn't want to get him nothing as he might get put out but also didn't want to celebrate Valentine's day) but I made sure to give it to him once the kids were in bed so as not to confuse them. Poor kids. He does love them very much, he's just an idiot.

OP, he's being so bloody unfair to you! Insists you tell the kids then leaves and lets you do it? Coward! It does sound like he thought he had someone lined up and that's fallen through. Do you want to be the better than living alone option? You deserve more than he's able to give you. He's landed all this on you and won't even give you some space? I feel for you.

If you are going to stay then see this man for what he is - a liar cheat and manipulator who is enjoying messing with your head and dumping angst on you, whilst doing the wide eyed humble thing. Then take back control.

The bottom line is this man has fucked around outside your marriage, other people know (eg boss), and I really doubt he was sorry for you or thinking of impact on the kids when he was having his fun. If I were you I'd take the reminiscing rose coloured glasses off, see and deal with him as he is now.