Guilt/shame/being irrelevant after breakup. How to recover?

[vent]

My ex was Muslim and had a job in a rather caring profession (don't want to out)

One of the reasons he ended our relationship was because I told him about someone who had frightened me being in touch with me. Long story short - I was raped years ago. Met an abusive man (also Muslim) who got off on this prior to meeting ex. I had cut this person off but mentally they still had some power over me and early on in the relationship with my ex I had spoken to abusive man. I mentioned ex in an entirely fabricated way trying to persuade abusive man to leave me alone.

Anyway ex ended things with me. That's fine, he's entitled to do that. But one of the reasons he gave is he lost the trust and attraction for me when I admitted contact with abusive man. The contact was a short telephone conversation and I said I had mentioned him and lied about him. However at the time, we ended up sleeping together for several months after this revelation to him.

I just can't move past this. He won't even read my messages. Its pretty irrelevant, break up is done it's only things like the odd gif or link I send several people at once. No trying to win him back etc

It just makes me feel so utterly irrelevant and hurt that he could use that as a reason for breaking up, for losing the attraction. And now it's to the point I'm not even worth reading a message from

I feel like such damaged goods. An abusive man got off on it. Someone I thought was a good man with fairly high emotional intelligence rejects me for it and piles more guilt/shame - I honestly expected perhaps a hug or a sorry, not to become less attractive but still okay to sleep with for several months till finally ignoring me altogether

I don't want him back. I just want to be worthy of a little respect. Any other reasons for breakup, they were valid but this wasn't yet it triggered me being cast aside not only as a partner but also as even an acquaintance

I feel like if he still spoke to me I might feel I was worth something but I get it, we are broken up. He doesn't have to. But how do I put me back together?

Delete his number for a start. Don't message him.

Have you ever had any counselling?

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, OP. Give yourself time to heal and seek counselling please, it will help to have someone to talk to.
(Though as an aside I'm not sure what the Muslim bit has to do with anything?)

The Muslim bit I suppose I feel like if I was a Muslim woman perhaps I would have mattered more. It was the fact that abusive man was also Muslim I think bothered him most that I had told abusive man he existed.

I don't know perhaps I just am clutching at straws trying to find reasons for someone who I thought was lovely being so shortsighted

Maybe it’s an excuse to break up, but it doesn’t really matter, would you really want him back now anyway?

No. That's not the part I can't get past.

Please be kind to yourself OP, and I know it's difficult, but it's best not to try and find reasons for why he behaved the way he did - it's essentially irrelevant. Focus on yourself and what you need to heal.

I don't know what I need. I feel like what I need is a bloody big hug, treated like a nice person and responded to by him not ignored.

But we are broken up. I don't want him back. I just want this feeling that I honestly don't matter and won't ever matter now to any man good or bad to go away

Did you get counselling after your rape?
If not then please contact Rape Crisis as soon as you possibly can.
They can help with you with specialist therapy.
If you've never really faced up to up and tackled it, it will keep eating away at you and your self esteem.
Get some help for that please.
Look after you first and try to forget about these horrid men!
Yes all of them.

Some. It's in the past. It was resurrected by a jerk who pretended we were getting to know each other deeply then used info he extracted to get off on. It hurts more that nice guy afterwards also used it to hurt me.

It's the fact that men. Nice or horrible. In a row have used it to hurt me. And now I'm so irrelevant I'm completely ghosted. I just feel like I'm too fucked up to be bothered being polite to even by a nice guy