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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

boyfriend keeps talking to his ex wife

18 replies

cds5163 · 22/03/2018 06:03

It's driving me insane, I feel absolutely heartbroken. I love him very much buy I hate the way it makes me feel. I feel so insecure, I feel like he is just stuck with me because we have a baby.
When I was 7months pregnant I read messages in his phone and found out he had been married a second time. He didn't tell me, it makes me want to cry. I feel so stupid.
He's an older man,twice my age and he told me he was only married once before. I feel like a fool. I thought I knew who he was, know I wonder what other lies he's told me. I bet he thinks I'm naive because I just believe what ever shit he tells me. He is not the man I thought he was.
In December I confronted him because I found he was texting another ex and he even sent her a picture of our son, like what the fuck. Why are you so stuck on these women, why dont you go be with them. He says well the text me, your fucking stupid. He's told me how much he hates these women,well why do you talk to them. He told me his ex why aborted their baby and his other ex got pregnant by anothet man after her paid to have her cysts removed. I call bullshit, I dont believe it.
I'm sorry I'm ranting on here. I just dont know what to do anymore, I'm so heartbroken. Ive confronted him many times about it during the past couple of months and he's he will stop but hasn't. He also has pics of them on his computer and none of me. Its breaking my heart. He's said he will get rid in them but hasn't.
He treats me well and takes care of our son but I dont know what to do. What would you do?
Also do you think hes being manipulative when he has if you don't want to be here then you can leave, I want you to be here because you want to. I feel like i have backbone.

OP posts:
Chasingstars88 · 22/03/2018 06:32

I would dump the deceitful bastards arse.

He doesn't treat you right! He's a lier and sending pictures of you son to his ex wife is below the belt!

TiredMummy18 · 22/03/2018 06:36

It sounds as though he doesn’t really have any intentions of stopping contact with these women.

I’d give him an ultimatum, he either fully commits to you and stops speaking to them or he needs to leave. Be prepared to follow through with the threat though.

frasier · 22/03/2018 06:42

Which ex did he send your baby’s picture to? Was the one who had the abortion? I think you have a serious problem, I’m sorry.

What is your living situation, are you living in his home or yours? Have you somewhere you could go for s couple of weeks, family, friends, away from him to think things through?

cds5163 · 22/03/2018 06:47

Thanks for the replies. Yes sending a picture of my son to his ex hurt me badly. I was shaking with anger. He stopped me from leaving with our son in the middle of the night. He got to him before I could and I wasn't leaving without my baby. He tried to act like the "nice guy" he is and say I shouldn't leave with our son in the middle of the night with no where to go because something could happen. I think he was being manipulative. And yes you are right I have to follow through with leaving, I don't think he even care a if I leave,I just fill up the space so he isn't lonely for the rest of his life,since he's older.
I think I will go to live with my family in a different state but I don't really have money for tickets for a flight plus money to take care of my son and myself for a couple months. Its so stressful, I devoted myself to him. My son and him were my world. I hate having to worry about not being able to take care of my son.

OP posts:
silentpool · 22/03/2018 06:49

He is an older man. He has a history. That comes with the territory, I'm afraid. You did marry a man with a colourful past.

cds5163 · 22/03/2018 06:56

No he sent a picture of our son to his ex girlfriend after she sent a picture of her baby she had with the man she cheated on him with, after he claimed he payed to remove cysts from her ovaries so,they could have a child together, if that happened to me I wouldn't want yo see any of these women ever again, I would be devastated by what they did to me. I do know that his ex wife aborted their baby though, I read passive aggressive texts between them. He was asking why she did that, she was asking him why he left her to go to war, he tells her I hope you find peace, she tells him he's hateful and don't contact her anymore, he tells her I'll talk to you soon and they block each other then two weeks later I see a missed call from her and she says I'm on my break i can talk now, like what the fuck

OP posts:
cds5163 · 22/03/2018 06:58

At the moment I don't have family or friends near by because of his deployment, I don't have much saved to take care of my son for too long, only a couple thousand

OP posts:
DinahMo · 22/03/2018 07:00

Sounds like you’re not in the UK as you mention states, but I’m sure your country would have an equivalent to Woman’s Aid and I would encourage you to contact them. In the UK they would support you and help you to leave. It sounds like you want to leave, and quite right too. I wouldn’t do any ultimatums. He doesn’t believe you have any power in this situation. He’s wrong.

cds5163 · 22/03/2018 07:01

We're not married, his divorce just settled in January of this year. I also agree, he's an older man and has hisyory. I remind myself of that every time I feel sick about the situation but why can't he bury it, why do you think he still talks to these women? Do you think he still loves them?

OP posts:
cds5163 · 22/03/2018 07:04

Thank you dinahmo, I'll check to see if I can get help leaving him. Thank you for the perspective too, I never thought that this is probably how he thinks of me.

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 22/03/2018 07:08

Hi CDs - that's tough on you and must be very upsetting. Stop asking him to remove the picture, he's not going to do it is he. Have you access to any money? Can you get sneaky with him if he holds all the cash. Start putting money to one side without telling him. Could you ask your family for help at all financial or otherwise. He does have a history - did you ask him why he lied to you about being married twice?
Are you married to him - if so for how long. I'm wondering if you divorced him how much would you be entitled too.
How old are you? Do you have friends or access to any baby groups. Keep yourself busy whilst having a plan to leave him in the not to distant future. It's 7am in London. You maybe in bed!! I'm rubbish at time zones.

cds5163 · 22/03/2018 07:25

Mary thank you for replying, it is 3 am where I am. I don't go to any baby group. I'm 23 and he's 46 and were not married, he just got a divorce. He didn't even tell me he wss married until I confronted him, he said he didn't want me to have to deal with it. Also I read messages were he confided in her to then lied to me and I found out its true. I ask for answers he ignores me and change topics. He gives me a couple hundred every week or two. I will start saving it. I also have a credit card that he pays for, although I didnt want it and don't use it because I don't want to be left with the bill and bad credit when we break up. I don't really want to ask my family for favors,because I don't have a way of paying them back.

OP posts:
DinahMo · 22/03/2018 07:38

Please don’t go down the route of torturing yourself as to why he does these things. Does it matter why? Trying to understand just allows him to take up your emotional energy even more.

Talk to your family. I don’t think asking for help to escape an abusive relationship is asking for a favour.

Cricrichan · 22/03/2018 09:34

He can't be trusted because he lies and changes the subject or dismisses your legitimate concerns and objections.

Angelf1sh · 22/03/2018 10:08

I do wish women would stop listing terrible ways in which their partners behave and then say “he treats me well”, no he doesn’t op, he treats you very badly. That’s not going to change, it’s going to get worse and if you’re moving around because of his deployment you will be very isolated, very quickly. Once that happens, you’ll put up with a lot more shot because you have no support. Make the break now whilst you still can.

Juells · 22/03/2018 10:15

Is it OK to take a baby across state lines without the father's agreement? I thought that would cause problems.

Sorry I don't have anything useful to contribute, I can see you're worn down with worry. If you didn't have a small baby you'd be able to look at the situation more clearly, and see that you're not getting much out of this relationship beyond aggravation and stress.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 22/03/2018 10:29

He treats me well
No he doesn't. He really doesn't.

Luckingfovely · 22/03/2018 10:58

He treats me well

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Sorry, dupe post I know but seriously.

Just. Get. Out.

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