Starting again on your own

[Addictedtotheredbutton]

It’s almost a year since I split with my H but I’m only now facing the reality of it. Initially I had a male friend who I guess I transferred my affections to, he was like my safety net although I soon realised it wouldn’t come to anything. So then I threw myself into OLD which has been a complete disaster - I must have come across every nutter, scammer and loser in my area and I’ve finally decided to ditch it.

But I’m left with no safety net and what feels like no hope. OLD while a disaster at least allowed me to think there were possibilities out there, I loved the messages and the flattery even if it never went anywhere. And the loss of my friend has hit me hard.

I’m at a real crossroads - I don’t feel like I’ve mourned my marriage and think maybe I should. But I don’t feel sad about that as much as the rejections and frustrations of the past year. It’s all wrong.

I’m in such a muddle and don’t know where to go from here - I’m sad and scared, in no position for a new relationship but not coping well on my own. I want to be happy with myself and not validated only by other people but I don’t know where to start - all I hear is join things, get a hobby but it all just feels forced and pointless.

I’m rambling but I just wondered if anyone else felt like this - starting again in my mid 40s is so much harder than I expected, I don’t want to go back but I didn’t think this through.

Morning OP.. I’ll start by saying that less than a year is very early days indeed, you’re right to say you haven’t mourned your marriage. You were, and are, still vulnerable, certainly for OLD, that takes a skin as thick as a rhino I’m afraid.

A lengthy relationship, even a bad one, will still be missed, the familiarity and habits of it. Personally I’d take some time out and just concentrate on ‘healing’ yourself, whatever form that may take.

I split from my ex when I was 45, but the relationship was dead in the water years before, and he was a horrible man. I launched myself into OLD immediately and met someone 5 months after, who I was infatuated with. We were together for 3 years, but I realised I hadn’t ‘healed’ from
My break up, and that did play a part in the relationship not working out.

Certainly distract yourself, but I wouldn’t suggest OLD just yet. Believe me, you are only young yet, so don’t fret

If joining things and getting a hobby feels forced, then don’t go down that route.

What is it you want? Do you want a new group of friends, you say you list your friends? Do you want a new partner?

Do you just want to be on your own for a while and become comfortable doing what you enjoy? What do you enjoy?

I broke up from a long term relationship at thirty and met my second partner online at thirty seven. I think what helped me at first was to start at home and work out the things that pleased me. I could arrange the flat the way I wanted, cook what I liked etc. I arranged nice things to do with friends, theatres, National trust etc. I told myself I would never settle for second best again in a relationship. Focus on looking after yourself and surround yourself with good things. OLD does need to be taken with a large pinch of salt and you may not be ready for this, as you say,there is a mourning period. It took me five years to feel ready for a relationship again. Try not to feel disheartened, there are nice people out there, but you need to recover first.

Hi OP - I am late forties and exP left 18 mths ago. I do feel that I’d like someone to go out to the cinema, concert etc with but I’m not ready for OLD yet! (Maybe never ?) I’m trying to concentrate on me, plus have kids to run around after, until I’m totally happy by myself and then maybe I’ll think about it. I’d say don’t rush.

Hi OP,
I’m 5 years on, in my forties and have a wonderful new DP (met OLD)
Sounds like you’ve had lots of distractions in the short time since your H. Now it’s time to listen to yourself, let yourself feel sad and start to heal.
Ask yourself not ‘where do I want to be in five years’ but ‘what do I want to do that will make me feel good in the next hour’ might be something so simple like a walk/bike ride/art exhibition/chat to a friend, enjoy the little things and the fact that you can please yourself!
Be your own best friend. Treat yourself very kindly. Can you afford to go to counselling? Eventually when you’ve built yourself back up a bit you might be ready ultimately for the brutal, crazy world of OLD. Only when you can take all that with a pinch of salt should you even try.

Great advice hipster.

sounds to me like you need to do some serious soul searching and self help and self care. explore your spirituality, creativity, who ARE you, tend to your important friendships, family etc etc... eat healthily, excersise... this time is all about you. you come first no matter what. cut out any toxic relationships, and all that. sounds very hippy dippy but this is a time to rebuild yourself from the ground up and you will be in a much better place to find a fulfilling relationship. best of luck and love to you. xoxoxoxox

oh and totally what Hipster said! xxx