I made a thread a little while ago about the situation I was in.
Bit of background, we have a 7 year old son and I’ve come to the realisation I think I’m in a emotionally abusive relationship.
Partner is constantly snapping, shouting, belittling, controlling and being plain mean to me. He does it infront of our son and will get cross if I take extra work on and tells our son mummy doesn’t care about him all she cares about is herself. He will then snap out of it and be very pleasant to be around but I feel I csnt be myself/constantly worrying what is going to make him angry next. I have spoke to friends since my previous thread which hasn’t been easy. With the accounts I have said each is mortified and gently broached the subject that he is being abusive. I have found this hard to accept and often blamed myself and thought it was me in the wrong causing this.
Last week when partner got angry and cooled of, I confronted him and told him how I was feeling. He got cross and said some really hurtful things, I said we need some space, and he left and went to stay at his parents (they were on holiday). During the time apart after two hours he was messaging me big sorrys saying he knows he in the wrong he doesn’t know why he gets like it, it’s not me and he can’t live without me and he’s going to get professional help. Sunday his parents were due home, so he came back. We spoke again, this time he stayed very calm and listened to me. He wouldn’t admit he’s controlling and wouldn’t admit he’s abusive but said he has issues. I told him we need space but get he doesn’t want to tell his parents so agreed he’s stay in spare room, he wouldn’t text me (he didn’t stop while we were apart the weekend) and no physical contact. I work late 3/7 nights a week and I asked him to give me space the evenings I am home.
He’s not given me space, he’s tried to carry on like normal. He says he’s started talking to a counceller and tells me to trust he is going to change. I’ve tomd him I can’t trust he will, we’ve been here 4 years ago but maybe I was more naive then and took his word and things started slipping back. It’s like he has some sort of hold on me. He still won’t admit things, he got cross when I said I’ve spoke to friends, he said well of course they’re going to influence you, you don’t need them, I’ll help you be happy again, only I can do this.
Without going through all the stuff he does/says, I know the situation is wrong now, I’m seeing a professional through work on Friday as I really don’t know what is and isn’t normal behaviour anymore. He is being massively sinsier to me and a bit part of me wants to believe everything he says and it’ll be ok, but another part of me knows it’ll be lovey for a matter of time, then he will change again.
I need advice on what happens when he leaves. He’s already said not a chance he’d let me live here with our son. We have a mortgage and it’s 50/50. I said we need to put DS first and it wouldn’t be fair to have his parents separate/move home and potential school. I have done some math, with my salary and the minimum matience from him, I could afford to live here alone. I already pay all the bills/food. All he pays is mortgage. When I’ve said this to him, he again said this isn’t fair I’m not leaving so you can just carry on in our family home when I have to go to my parents or find somewhere else I can’t afford it. He is not in a badly paid job at all, I’ve no idea where his money goes each month, he use to gamble a bit, I have a feeling that may of started again. I do feel bad for him and said we will have to find you somewhere you can afford as either way he’ll still be DS dad and I want him to have somewhere nice as that will be partly DS home too.
And through all this me trying to be stern, he is pooring his heart out, which makes it so so hard but I know deep down this situation is really toxic.