What do I do now?

[Feckers2018]

Look this is so awful I know its LTB. But here goes because my head is mashed again. H cheated years ago and I found it hard to move on even though I tried. He never wanted to talk about anything and I was left with PTSD and went on ADs which seemed to work and I became much happier.
Anyway just recently my head keeps flooding with adrenalin at the smallest slight or disagreement. So I told him I didn't feel well. So he became defensive and argumentative which is the last thing I need.
Tried to remain calm but he became nasty and started to blame me for anything and everything eg we don't have sex because I just lie there and worse. And no wonder he cheated.
So if I feel ill he thinks I'm getting at him when all I'm doing is communicating a need for some kindness.
So he goes on the counter attack for no reason.
Today I brought it up and he tried to give excuses rather than be sorry and has stormed off.
Really not bothered but need to get well.

He also says divorce me then but I bet you won't you cant live on your own.

He sounds awful. He is unrepentant about his appalling behaviour, blaming you, which is absolute bollocks, and not supporting you when you need it. I know you probably don’t want to hear LTB but in this case it would be better for your mental health and happiness to do so.

Why are you with him?

You would be so much happier on your own, I’m sure of it

He sounds like quite a catch and I do feel for you.😞
Nobody should have to beg for kindness, he wronged you so he should be showering you with it.
Obviously not my place to advise as I don't know you both, or your circumstances, but from here you look like a nice person and he comes across as the sort of dishonest cretin I personally would boot without so much as a glance back. How dare he blame you for his cheating. Nothing justifies that.
Don't take it. He knows he is in the wrong- because he gets defensive.
Why does he think you can't be on your own? I suspect you are coming across as weak to him and he is using this against you. It's up to you to prove him wrong.
How long have you been married?
I hope things improve for you. You deserve better. X

Why are you with him love?

What needs to happen that will help you be able to end this?

Don't know why. I have tried to make things better but he stubbornly resists by thinking I'm getting at him or I might mention something about the past. He is defensive to the point of cruelty I can see that.
Anyway all this makes me ill as he thinks I am to blame.

What needs to happen to make me leave is to stop being ill. Because he argued and frightened me to death I now have an adrenalin problem.
He is contemptful of this and says I'm ok on the phone to my friends so why am I telling him? Or its your age etc etc.
Thinks I'm getting at him.

Also after one of these horrid episodes he becomes creepy and does things he knows I like. But I can see through it and its so tiring.
I made your tea and went to the shop he keeps repeating, FFS.
Every bloody night cooking and then throwing it my face in a disagreement. So tiresome.

I've been where you are mental health wise. I'm on ADs because without them I can't stand my husband. He hasn't cheated, but is very defensive and quite resentful at times. I feel happy to stay when on my meds and become really angry/anxious without them. What I'm saying is it can become a catch 22 situation - can't leave without taking the meds but the meds make you tolerate more than you should. Do you have rl support?

Tiresome is the word. I absolutely know where you're at.

Well I had more before all this! I have an excellent job which I love and a few close friends and am generally a friendly attractive person.
i was getting better and then it all started again because he keeps over reacting and seems to be paranoid and passive aggressive whereas I'm straight forward and am willing to compromise.
I can be quite assertive when I need to be but this illness has left me flumaxed because I haven't told anyone so I just pretend to be ok.

Can you tell friends about how you're suffering with your mental health?

That might help you find enough support / shoulders to cry on, that you're able to walk away?

You do need to accept that you can't fix him or convince him you're in the right x

you have hit the nail on the head. Its not my job to convince him even though I did try! i do realise this and do well when the meds work as I just walk away. But when they don't work I get hooked in as the adrenalin rushes and I can't think straight.

Don't feel I can tell anyone in RL.

Its as if he is so terrified of being seen as the bad person he is grinding me down to nothing/provoking me.

Your head is not mashed because you know he's awful and you know what you need to do.

Break it down into tiny steps and then take the first one.