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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Texting and harmless flirting !

21 replies

MArriedmen · 21/03/2018 19:05

My H asked if I was ok him meeting an ex...I said sure...we're both friends with my ex....then I saw their message exchange , it sounded like a date..I asked him not to go, said I felt uncomfortable. He said, basically, tough....he went. I felt utterly lost, there and then he chose her. When he returned I was crying, he said he wouldn't see her again, said sorry etc etc. I cried a lot, then his behaviour changed towards me, always on my case, putting me down...I checked his phone...in fact I became totally obsessed with checking...every day, phone, laptop, etc ...I was certain he was seeing her and communicating with her. I asked outright, he said no. Nine months later I thought I was going quite mad. He went away with family, boys holiday. I write to him, please come back and be mine again. Three weeks later I found just one e.m. That proved there was communication...I confronted him, he lied, then said just a few texts in a few months....48 hours later admitted to seeing her a few times , inc Xmas. Further investigation I discovered the messaging had been on going since that first date.so, when he said he wouldn't see her again he had been messaging her all the way home ! Says he wants me, he told her he wouldn't be messaging any more....but it's not enough and I am stuck. It feels like she had her fun and now he wants to 'move on '....how do I ever trust him again...

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 21/03/2018 19:10

Damage is done. I'd chuck him in the bin to be honest.

WeeMadArthur · 21/03/2018 19:13

You cant, it’s time to move on. As much as you may like him apart from this, it’s eating you up. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

StarlightSparkle · 21/03/2018 19:47

Kick him out and make him fight for you if he wants to save your marriage. So far there have been no consequences to his bad behaviour and if he was actually meeting up with her then who knows how far things went. He will be lying his arse off, that’s for sure.

MArriedmen · 21/03/2018 20:18

It's completely eating me up...now I've gone through his phone records I can see he would message her , then drop one to me then back to her....whilst he was away he messaged her morning , noon and night. I wrote to her for answers, she said I'm making More of it than it was...she's not bashing the door down to have him ! Not knowing what they talked about is killing me. I can't get on with anything ! He's leaving his phone around, I have passwords to everything....I said for all I know he has another phone....he talks about our future, growing old with me, but I look at him and think I don't know you any more ! I've been divorced , I went into ts for better or worse but ....Ive been diagnosed with PTSD, I don't sleep, when I ask him about it he says he's answers the same questions over and over and the answers don't change, I challenge that because I asked him if he was seeing her and he said no....and he was.....

OP posts:
MArriedmen · 21/03/2018 20:20

And what about her ? They agreed I must not know about their communications ...what woman does that....she knows nothing about me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/03/2018 20:26

Never mind her

What kind of man treats someone they are supposed to love like this ?

midnightmisssuki · 21/03/2018 20:35

leave - you don't trust him anymore. Staying with him will only damage you further.

Chasingstars88 · 21/03/2018 20:55

He doesn't deserve You..

PrizeOik · 21/03/2018 20:57

You need to end this, as long as he's in your life his dishonesty will torture you. He will literally send you mad.

Shoxfordian · 21/03/2018 21:48

Has anything physical actually happened with his ex or is it just that he's seen her?

My opinion is different from the others; I think you seem quite controlling. I don't think its acceptable to tell him who he can and can't see or check his phone all the time. If you don't trust him, which it seems you don't then divorce him but don't think you can keep him by checking up all the time.

I saw you have mental health issues and I hope you're getting some treatment or therapy to help with all this.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 21/03/2018 21:51

He has put her needs before yours. Ltb.

MArriedmen · 21/03/2018 22:26

he said it was escapism......clearly, and I have to accept, there were things he wasn't happy about, but, whilst I tried to talk to him he was getting his kicks from her. I told her she can have him but she said she doesn't want him ! I feel stuck thinking, I S this it.?

OP posts:
Turkkadin · 21/03/2018 22:46

This man is making you ill and it's all been so easy for him. If you continue to let him crap all over your marriage you will never be well and happy OP.

MArriedmen · 21/03/2018 23:04

I don't know how to respond to individual comments....but thank you

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 22/03/2018 00:17

she doesn't need to "want him" to be happy to bang him.

You know they have had sex, right?

Sunflowersforever · 22/03/2018 01:29

Ford type that's such an unhelpful and goady comment 'you know they've had sex'. OP sounds fragile and on the edge enough without piling more crap on that you don't know is true.

OP, this sounds like deep trust issues. Has this happened before with other relationships as you were very intuitive to sense something else was going on? Learning to trust again can be hard and he sounds like someone who will destroy that further

Chasingstars88 · 22/03/2018 05:30

Ford is right though!
Of course they have! OP needs to open her eyes to what this is.

I really don't understand meeting up with ex's In the first place and constant texting. It's wierd. What else could he possibly want to see her for? Old time reminiscing? eye rolls

Then to lie and hide it from his partner.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 22/03/2018 09:01

Look, nevermind her and what she says or thinks. Her opinion of you and your life doesn’t matter.

Your husband has cheated on you emotionally and physically. He’s hurt you and made you feel this way. He’s got this woman out of his system or whatever and now wants to carry on his married life with you and assuming you’re ok with it? How dare he? Boot him. At least for a while to give yourself time to consider what you want in life. How he behaves in that time will speak volumes about how he truly feels.

Don’t be rushed into anything. And please, for your own sake don’t contact his OW again for your own sake.

MArriedmen · 22/03/2018 09:02

Sunflowersforever , I don't know how to 'tag ' you...thank you for defending me...
He used to live with her, they split up, he went out with someone else, then met me. So at any point he could have rekindled with her rather than go looking for a new partner. When we started I had a friend and H and I agreed that we both had jealousy issues so agreed that these two particular opp sex friends were off limits. That's fair in my book. When he asked to see her it was a few years into marriage and I felt comfortable and secure so it was ok....the arrangements to meet sounded like a date when I saw them and I had a really bad feeling hence said so...as I believe a spouse has the right too. He basically dug his heels in. What I know is that there were an awful lot of texts exchanged , he visited only a few times ..I've dug really deep there and can not find anything to suggest otherwise. The worst of it is that I felt something was wrong because of how he was with me. We've talked and talked , or I have, and all he says it was nice it have someone to talk too that was out of 'us '. When I caught him, he stopped the communications...he then started messaging me in the day, just a check in how are you today message...I wrote to her, I said he's all yours, she said it's not what you think and in her words...enjoy your marriage to him, life is too short, blah blah....so this isn't a woman desperate for him ! Like other women in this position I've put checks in place and quite sure he's not seeing her. What hurts is that he was so selfish and determined to have his fun he didn't see me falling apart around him. He would say, it was a huge error of judgment.
As for the sex....we have a lot of sex. If we didn't, I would think that it's obvious he'd go looking e,sewhere....not that I think that's right but if one of you wants sex and the other doesn't that's a problem.....she seemed to provide an emotional support and he got swept along enjoying the attention. He admits he drove it. The idea that he would leave for work and stop and send her messages carefully deleting them all is devasting to me.
I've been married, and divorced, I left an emotionally d v relationship....so yes, I am fragile and I thought I'd met my dream man. How do I accept he's human and made a mistake and not see him as an abusive monster ! He , naturally, what's to move on. To the person who said I am controlling, I'm not....we had an agreement and I stuck to my side. I thought marriage meant respecting each other. Clearly I was right to be concerned as there was some till 'unfinished ' business there. Only she knows what they texted each other...not being able to see the messages makes me assume the worst...what I did see was innocent enough . Problem is when you suspect and ask and are told you're paranoid you start to believe you are...he was, as he puts it, having his cake and eating it. Saying they obviously had sex is actually neither here nor there now. I want to believe not and no evidence suggests there was. But an ongoing texting affair and lying about it is still being unfaithful . Not seeing your wife breaking down in front of you because you are selfish is, what....a mistake ?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/03/2018 09:28

he's human and made a mistake
You know this was not a mistake!
This was prolonged lies and deceit and disrespect.
Where is your line?
Your boundary?
He's jumped all over them and then expects you to just accept it.
Well you don't have to.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
Is it for you?
The best thing you can do right now is get some space away from him.
Either get away for a week or 2 or ask him to leave if he has somewhere to go.
He's had no consequences so far for what he's done.
Let him understand what the 'loss of you' feels like.
Get him gone.
Think things through without him in your headspace and then take it from there.

minimalpatience · 22/03/2018 23:36

I agree with @hellsbellsmelons. His behaviour basically confirms he has no respect or empathy for you.

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