Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to still have sad days after 20 months?

30 replies

DormioErgoSum · 21/03/2018 17:50

Separated from STBXH for 20 months. Divorce in last stages. All very much unwanted by me but nothing I could have done. I loved him very much.

Despite being much better generally, I still get really sad at times, I shed the occasional tear. Am I being silly? I should be over this by now shouldn’t I?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 21/03/2018 18:22

Well you're grieving. I would say it's completely normal to feel sad and have the odd cry.

PrizeOik · 21/03/2018 18:22

I left my exh, and it's now over two years later, and I have a new partner who is lovely, and I'm happy, etc. etc.

And I still get really sad at times. I haven't shed a tear in a while, but I've felt sad.

You put your life in the hands of another person when you marry and divorce is like a death. It's the death of hopes and dreams and assumptions and safety and the sense that you had it all figured out. AND the death of the person you thought you knew and who you trusted - coming to terms with this new version of them. Of course you aren't being silly.

Grieving is a thing that shows you're healthy, that your heart is still switched on. And it's circular, in my experience. You will come back to the grief many times in your life, over and over, and each time it is a little different - usually less painful with each time you return to it. You don't get rid of grief - you learn to live with it. It becomes part of you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human. It's OK to hurt x

Insomeotheruniverse · 21/03/2018 18:26

I’m in the same position as prizeoik and agree with everything she said. There is no time limit to be over these things. If it takes 5 years or whatever then it takes 5 years. We’re all different and process things in different ways. Clearly your relationship ending had a massive impact on you so be kind to yourself and allow yourself all the time you need to get to a better place. You’ll get there eventually Flowers

Chasingsquirrels · 21/03/2018 18:32

I was in a similar position and 10 years later, having got together with a wonderful man, married him and been widowed, I'm still sad than my 1st marriage ended.
I wouldn't want to get back with him, and I wouldn't change the years I had with late-DH for anything, but I'm sad that we lost the love we had and that my children don't live in a household with their 2 happy parents.

Original poster
DormioErgoSum · 21/03/2018 18:48

Thank you everyone. This means a lot. Maybe I need to get the ‘getting over it’ out of my head as I think there will always be a little sadness.

I would love to have a new relationship as I don’t see myself alone and still have hope for children but something is keeping me from posting the OLD profile.

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 21/03/2018 18:59

I work with lots of people in transition, widows, widowers, retirees and the average time to come to terms with the new 'normal' is 4.5 years.

Ski40 · 21/03/2018 19:00

If you loved the person you never really get over it, you just learn to live with it.It's a kind of bereavement.
I still have days when I cry over my first husband (I left him, we were very young and I realised too late he was the One after all). I also cry over a relationship I had for 3 years, which was the most exhilarating and also the most toxic relationship I ever had. That ended 13 years ago and I am happily remarried...but now and again I will think of one of them and have a little weep. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, we are all human and a broken heart leaves scars.

Be kind to yourself. Big hug xx

Original poster
DormioErgoSum · 21/03/2018 19:03

Thank you again. This is all so helpful and it’s so good to see that good relationships happen after divorce.

May I ask how you got to the point to start dating again? Or did you meet your partners ‘naturally’? How did you know you were ready?

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 21/03/2018 19:37

I used Tinder. Weeks after the split tbh. I was not ready for another committed lrt and I was completely unapologetic about it. I looked for a sexual partner who would be nice to me and was trustworthy. I found him and dated him non exclusively for over a year before I was ready to say "ok let's do this" and we became a "real" couple then.

You don't have to be "ready". You aren't a commodity that has to be bright and shiny for the next buyer. You can do whatever you want, and stop whenever you want, and you don't need to apologise for anything you begin or end. Just be honest with yourself, and remember you owe no one anything.

SevenStones · 21/03/2018 19:53

I ended my marriage 6.5 years ago, and got my decree absolut just over 4 years ago.

I don't have sad days but I do still have sad half hours and little cries every now and then.

It's totally okay Smile

Myheartbelongsto · 21/03/2018 21:01

God what a horrible thing to happen. Hope you're OK x

Insomeotheruniverse · 21/03/2018 21:18

I didn’t do OLD but I did consider it for a while, in the end I decided it wasn’t for me. I had a short fling of a few months with someone I met locally but I wasn’t in the right head space at the time and it was probably too soon after my split from ex. I don’t regret it though as it changed my mind set at the time and I realised I could start over with someone new if I wanted to.

2 years after my split I got chatting to someone through a work colleague and discovered we had a lot in common. I decided to go for it and asked him out. We’ve now been seeing each other for a few months and I’m really happy.

If I hadn’t met this guy I’d have been happy staying by myself. I wasn’t on the look out for love or relationships and wasn’t fussed if it didn’t happen. I kept busy and had a full life and said yes to as many outings with friends and family as possible. I found this was the key to me meeting new acquaintances and look where it’s led 😀

Chasingsquirrels · 21/03/2018 21:33

I started looking at online dating about 18 months after we split and got chatting to a few men, then got together with late-DH (who I already knew). I probably wasn't fully over exH at that point and would say that late-DH and I healed together.

This time (widowed) I put up some OLD profiles very early on, but would no way have been in the right place. I'm still not sure I am (it's a year tomorrow) but I've filled out my profiles since Christmas rather than just having basic details and have been messaging a few people - none of whom are interested but hey ho.

Insomeotheruniverse · 21/03/2018 21:40

Chasingsquirrels I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
DormioErgoSum · 22/03/2018 05:55

I’m sorry for your loss squirrel. Seven, yes actually my sad days are more like a sad phase during a day. I can shake it off much more easily these days.

What you are all saying makes a lot of sense Flowers

What you are all saying makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 22/03/2018 06:23

Sorry I didn't mean to derail the thread for sympathy, late-DH is just part of my life to date and I talk about him as such (hope that makes sense).

I read somewhere "as many months to get over it as years you've been together". Obviously everyone is different but it's a good yardstick.

There IS life and happiness after the end of a significant relationship, but that doesn't preclude sadness alongside it.

You sound like you are doing okay and I hope your future is bright!

Huntinginthedark · 22/03/2018 10:39

I think some people will always leave an idellible mark on our lives and they’ll never leave us. Even if it didn’t work out.
I still feel sad 2.5 years later, it’s more sad for the loss of what could have been.
I haven’t met anyone else yet, but I would like to.
I think it’s much harder if the end wasn’t what you wanted, it takes longer to come to terms with.
I’ve been on both sides of the coin.

catbasilio · 22/03/2018 10:46

I split up from my H nearly 2 years ago after 9 years together, it was long coming and the marriage wasn’t good or honest for a long time. I’ve been with another man for the last 1.5 years. My exH hasn’t been a good dad to DC since the split up. Regardless, I feel sad at times. I wish things were different and still grieve.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/03/2018 11:21

I hear ya.
My 15 marriage ended 9 years ago.
When I write on here about what I went through I still get a bit choked up and my eyes get teary. I have no feelings for him at all but it still hurts.
I've not forgotten what I went through and never will.
It's totally normal.

Original poster
DormioErgoSum · 25/03/2018 11:00

Feel really upset and lonely again today. Just don’t know how to shake it. Can counselling help? It’s not going to take the sadness away. I feel so pathetic.

OP posts:
jedenfalls · 25/03/2018 11:07

Someone on here had a great analogy for dealing with grief,

At first the grief is like an orange and your life is like a jam jar. The orange is in the jam jar and ther is no room for anything else. The grief is all consuming (be it grief for a death or a divorce)

But as life moves on, the jam jar is replaced with a bigger one, or a vase, the grief never gets less, never goes, but it isn’t everything any more. Eventually it is an orange in a bucket, no smaller, no less than it ever was, but you have so much more in your life you can ignore it for a while.

Be kind to yourself x

jedenfalls · 25/03/2018 11:08

So my rambling point was, yes, go to counselling. It won’t make the orange smaller, but it gets it out of that jam jar and into a bucket.

2cats2many · 25/03/2018 11:10

It took me about 3 years to get over my ex husband. And 20 years later, I can still get a sharp pain in my stomach if I hear his name.

2cats2many · 25/03/2018 11:11

What Im trying to say is that its normal. You're normal Flowers

thesunwillout · 25/03/2018 11:19

I just think if you loved someone and it wasn't your choice that it always stays with you.
I think its okay.