Unsupportive Friends: Paranoid or Justified?

[MarigoldCosmos]

I've recently got engaged and the support from my friends has been really luke-warm.

When I told them, each of them literally said 'congrats' and then changed the topic to something else after making a comment of, 'you don't waste any time, do you' (we have been together just over two years and lived together for a year and a half. Although slightly better, I've had a very similar response from my family.

I can empathise slightly as I have been engaged before. In my previous relationship they sent me cards, gifts, and posted personalised messages on Facebook. So I know part of me is just bitter when I compare the two reactions. I can only assume they feel like they are wasting their time fully congratulating me, but in doing so it feels like they are clinging to a relationship that I was unhappy in which dissolved very quickly after the proposal and then minimising how I feel about my partner

In my previous relationship I suffered with depression and self harm (not any fault of his) but since being with my partner, my life has completely changed - I'm a genuinely happy, healthier person. I am not battling with myself and I've never even had a passing thought about hurting myself since I've been with him.

On top of this, I've just found out I'm pregnant and don't know how/if I should tell them.

Although I know it won't necessarily be a bad reaction, it's going to really hurt if their response is half-hearted. Considering how my friends have behaved with my partner in the past and their reaction to our happy news, my partner doesn't want me to involve them in the process but I'm so conflicted.

This is the biggest, most exciting and scariest moment in our lives and I don't know whether it's worth cutting my losses with my friends or hope that the first baby in our friend group will bring us together again.

You're overreacting. No need to cut your friends.

I'm sorry but I can't get massively excited about engagements. They can last for years.

An actual wedding is something to get excited about.

I'm sure you're baby news will be well received.

I kind of sympathise with you... I had mixed reactions from 'friends' when I said I was engaged. Someone literally laughed at me and said why?? (She's engaged now, and pregnant?) anyway, the people that weren't interested or clearly supportive then were even caring when we got married, and when we moved into our first home. I love seeing my friends doing well so I personally don't see how they they could be so nonchalant about everything.... I had a 'friend' who told me if I got pregnant she'd be mad at me because I'm too young and honestly it just goes on....

Especially when it comes to planning your wedding eventually, you'll need support!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster-

I do agree, and considering the pregnancy we will not be able to afford to get married for a long time yet!

Although I'd expect acquaintances or distant friends to be nonchalant rather than people who've been really important to me throughout my life, so just felt their reaction was a bit flat.

cupcakesandglitter -
Yes, I'm massively in two minds - I've got work colleagues who have been more interested!

My closest friend, (like yours it seems) has begged me in the past not to get pregnant or married before her as she's been with her boyfriend longer and it would be really unfair of me to do...so I feel like there will be a lot of resentment there which makes me really nervous at the thought of announcing to them.

My friendship group is still quite young and when we meet up they're adamant that no boyfriends are allowed to join and we have to get really dressed up and go out drinking.

Whilst I love spending quality time with them, we are all adults now and been in relationships and living with our partners for a number of years so I personally don't understand the need to keep two really important sides of our lives separate.

All I’d say is “congratulations”, there’s nothing else to say really is there? Maybe “have you set a date yet?” or “can I see the ring?” but that’s about it. An engagement really isn’t exciting for anyone else.

Just because they dont want to be your "couple friends" doesnt mean they have no value as friends.

Most people have different friends for different things. You cant really expect your friends to change because you now fancy doing couply things

I'm sorry, but until there's some proper planning for a wedding or the intention to plan the wedding imminently there really is no point in an 'engagement', because that's what it is, you 'engage' to marry.

When did being 'engaged' become a thing in and of itself??!!

congratulations op.
Forget the responses from others and enjoy being healthy,happy,in love,and engaged to be married!!
This is a very special time for you both,enjoy it as a couple.

I do agree, and considering the pregnancy we will not be able to afford to get married for a long time yet!

Youre not really engaged if youre not planning/preparing a wedding. Engaged isnt a stand alone thing, it means preparing to marry...like actually doing it.

I dont have much to say about "engagements" that arent about planning a wedding either. What can you really say? Have you chosen a venue? Oh youre not looking for one, um, right okay then...but you ARE engaged you say??.

SpringHen -
Yes, we are engaged. Yes, we have every intention to get married. Yes, we have wedding fairs booked and venue viewings, however due to the expense of weddings we will not exactly be getting married tomorrow and weddings take time to plan. Secondly, with the shock of falling pregnant - our baby is now the priority.

Although I appreciate your comments and wanted a different point of view - my point to this question was not to value whether our engagement is worthy enough for other people - but given a complete lack of enthusiasm was it the right thing to involve them in my pregnancy from the very start.

Lastly, I have no problem with them not wanting to be couple friends and said quite clearly I enjoy spending quality time with them and have not now decided 'that I now fancy doing couply things' but I enjoy spending time with both sets of people and it would be nice to have a compromise. Especially so considering it is often my house they stay at and it's awkard telling my partner to leave whilst we all hang out in our house..

*Considering how my friends have acted with my boyfriend in the past
*
What does this mean? Sounds to me like maybe they don’t think he’s right for you?

First of all, congratulations! Ignore SpringHen, of course you’re engaged. An engagement is an intention to marry, and I’m pretty sure there isn’t a ‘use by’ date on them.

It strikes me as odd that your friends were happier for you when you were depressed, some people really struggle when someone isn’t so needy or starts doing well in life. Could it be that?

I would announce the pregnancy when you feel ready and see how they react. If the response is lukewarm, could you ask one or two of them why?

To be honest, it’s only one person in my friendship group but I went to school with her and then to university so we used to be very close.

Primarily it’s just off the cuff comments and on the few occasaions she’s spent time with my partner she’s been particularly stand offish to the point it comes across as rude, which ultimately gets his back up.

Having known her so long, I know it’s not personal and it’s just how she is - I’ve never known her to be tactful as such. Just difficult when she’s a little antagonistic with people that don’t ‘get it’.

Now we are taking the next steps with our relationship, it’d just be nice to have everyone on board but maybe I may have read too far into things and letting nerves get the better of me.

Completely BifsWifs, I think I’ve become hung up on getting their approval that I don’t necessarily need and I probably won’t get ultimately.

Time is obviously a wonderful thing so maybe when they can actually see steps being made, they may want to get more involved rather than on the sidelines

I would probably also think "you don't waste any time" about a friend who was engaged and pregnant after just 2 years of being with someone. It is a short amount of time, and given your history (previous engagement; possible codependent personality), I can see why they aren't jumping for joy.

It's probably concern rather than disdain.

Congratulations OP

Most people are a bit “meh” about engagements, I wouldn’t take it personally.

Dont take it personally. I wouldnt be that interested in a friends engagement (soz friends). I would be a bit more interested in a wedding. But its for you, not them. I am of course happy for friends being happy generally. But its just another day and a lot of people arent bothered about weddings. However, I would be much more excited about a baby. So if your friends are grumpy cynics like me, they may still be supportive and excited about the pregnancy.

Don’t dump your friends. I’m the same about engagements. It’s all a bit “whatever”. People are in and out of engagements so until a wedding date is booked and invites sent it’s a bit of a non event. I personally wouldn’t tell anyone about the baby until the 20 week scan when all is well. Be prepared for an underwhelming response there too though. Most people don’t really care until the baby is actually born. You’ll also get a lack of understanding once baby is here if all of your friends are young and still at drinking stage. Keep them but sign up for nct and pregnancy yoga etc and work hard to make lots of new friends in a similar boat to you. They will be your support system