Lonely

[Molliekennedy]

Hello, long post here.

So me and my partner have been together for 3 years, our daughter is 2 so we had her pretty quickly (not planned but happy). But recently I've been feeling extra lonely and down.

We barley see each other because he works long night shifts, and I'm very very grateful he provides for us but I don't think it excuses what he says and does.

We had a pretty heated argument because our little one is going through terrible twos and my depression is at a bad point. Long story short it resulted in him smashing my belongings up, breaking a few things, telling me to get hit by a car when I went out and that I was a s**t mum. Even though he's done something similar like this when I was pregnant and promised he wouldn't again.

I went for a long walk, stood at a bridge over a very busy road and thought about it but didn't and called the Samaritans for help because I wouldn't do that to my little one (please don't judge me).

I just feel so alone, I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. I'm so very grateful of everything he does, that we're all healthy but I dunno I just miss having someone hold my hand and tell me I look nice. Or just a simple thanks for everything I do.

I live in Sunderland and my family are in Scarborough so mostly it's just me and my daughter.

Just needed to vent, get it out so to speak as I've never told anyone about how he is sometimes as he is honestly lovely most of the time. Thank you for reading x

Oh love. I couldn't read this and not respond. You will get loads of people later when it's evening and they will all be saying the same thing. That this man is abusive and you need to get out. It's totally unacceptable to smash up someone's belongings, or tell them they are a shit mum and should get hit by a car. That is horrendous. And textbook abusive behaviour, I'm sorry to say.

You need to go back home to your family with your little one and get away from him. This is not a normal way to treat your partner - it's not 'getting a bit cross' or 'having a row', it's abuse.

Do you know anyone at all in your area that you could reach out to, even a health visitor etc, who you can talk to about his behaviour? Failing that, what about a friend or family member from home? I'd really encourage you to ring them and be honest about what he is like. It doesn't matter that he is nice some of the time, it doesn't matter that you are depressed. There is NO EXCUSE for him to treat you like that. None at all.
x

Hi Mollie

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. This is simply to send cyber hugs and to say well done for calling the Samaritans for help.

Please call 101
Report him for smashing up your things.
This WILL escalate.
He is an abuser.
Womens Aid can also help you - call them 0808 2000 247
Being nice 'most' of the time is not OK.
The only amount of acceptable abuse in any relationship is NONE!!

@RhubarbTea Thank you for your response. I feel like it's my depression that pushes him though, I honestly do feel like it's my fault he's like it. He's put up with my depression for three years. I know it isn't an excuse and it makes me feel worse but I've never thought of it as him abusing me. Xxx

@DreamingofSummer Thank you very much xx

@hellsbellsmelons Thank you for your response. Like I said above to @RhubarbTea I feel like I've caused it. I just don't know what to do, I have nobody else here and don't want my DD coming from a broken home like I did. Xxx

Do you work, OP? If not can you get to your mum's? Would she be able to put you up and help you?

@MyBrilliantDisguise I don't work, my partner works 15 hour night shifts so I stay at home with my little one.
Me and my mother don't have the best relationship but if I asked my grandmother she would definitely help without a second thought. When this happened again a few months ago she was about to get the train all the way from Scarborough to come see/help me xx

Why don't you arrange to go and see her for a few days - you could say she wasn't well (cross your fingers!) - just get yourself away for a while and start to make some plans. He's not the sort of man you should live with - he's horrible.

Mollie, you haven’t “caused it”. I think that’s your depression talking - it can make you feel guilty over things that definitely are NOT your fault. Nobody (least of all you) made him behave like that - he did that all himself.
I agree with all the PP’s on here - his actions are abuse, and even more unforgivable because he knew you were depressed and vulnerable.
Please let your family know what is happening, and ask for their help. Please also see your GP and/or health visitor for some professional support. All this stress will be worsening your depression, you need some help and comfort.
And your child would be much better living with a happy stress free single parent mum, than in a household with an abusive dad.
Leaving him does not mean you have a “broken home” or a “failed marriage” - it means you have bravely done the best thing for you and your child.

Sending you a big hug, and putting you in my prayers.

Sorry to hear this. You might feel alone but you are not.

It is not acceptable what he did and should be made aware of this. If possible stay at a friends/family for a few days to make him realize what he did was wrong.

We all do things in the heat of the moment we regret, is this a one off for him?

If it's not you need to seriously think what you want going foward.

There is the option of relationship councilling which can help.

I wish you the best.

@auaaustin she's already said he did this when she was pregnant, so he has form for this sort of behaviour. Relationship counselling isn't recommended where there is abuse present, which there is here.

OP lots and lots of people have depressed partners, and I can absolutely promise you they do not all react to the situation by smashing up their partners stuff, telling them they should go and get hit by a car or shouting that they are a crap parent. You haven't caused this, it IS abuse and you really need to draw on support. Great that your grandmother is lovely and supportive, you say she's come up once before when this happened, how long ago was that? You need to reach out to her and tell her it is happening again and ask for her help. You'll feel loads better for confiding in her.

Ironically, rather than causing your partners behaviour, your depression is likely making you put up with crap that you wouldn't otherwise. I didn't want my DC to come from a broken home like I did either, and in retrospect that fear kept me with an abusive partner or far longer than I should have. Who cares if she comes from a broken home, all that matters is that your daughter is safe, happy and away from situations where people kick off in the way it sounds like he does. That's the single best thing you could do for her.

A lot like this with my ex. I ended up losing my house and then he ended up beating me up in emergency accommodation in front of the kids. escalated a lot from just throwing a bottle of milk across the lounge etc. now I have a massive blue/purple bruise, 2 kids, and no house, social workers up my arse when I have done nothing wrong. I wanted it so much to get better but I should have got out sooner, before I lost my friends, family, mum, my house etc. x

Hi OP, not really sure what advice to give but didn't want to read and nor respond. Just sending hugs and to say don't give up. xx

You haven’t caused this. He is responsible for his actions and this is abuse. Please call women’s aid for a chat, and go to your grandmas. A few nights away with her looking after you will make you feel so much better x

No, this isn't your fault, you haven't caused anything!

It's him, just him.

PLEASE get away from him. He's vile. He doesn't deserve you or your lovely child.

He really sounds vile, there are no no excuses for his actions or words.

Don’t believe it’s your fault, it really isn’t

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I think I'm going to stay with my grandma because he's literally just come home and I was crying on the sofa because I'm just tired and DD has been very very hard work. He's just shouted at me for crying, that I'm tired, shouted at me because I said I'm not speaking to him about anything and I'm a liar. I feel so rubbish and numb. Sorry to vent again, it's just nice to be able to tell people and not feel alone x

You are not alone.
We are here to support you.
Keep telling your story.

You knows he's bad news for you and your DD.
Get to your Grandma's for some well deserved love and TLC.
Just get away as soon as is safely possible.
You don't deserve any of this. And absolutely NONE of it is your fault.
Keep telling yourself that.
'IT'S NOT MY FAULT' over and over again in front of a mirror.
It will take hundreds of times before it sinks in but keep doing it.

Please be well aware that it takes on average over 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship (7-13!).
So even if you do get away and go back again, no-one here will judge you as and when you need more support!!

I think your partner already broke the family home. Home is supposed to be a safe and happy place. Sounds like your DC's home would be less broken if your partner wasn't in it. You can make a new, better home elsewhere.

Oh sweetie you barely knew this man and you made a baby.

She is a bundle of potential and right now the way he is treating you is teaching her this is how mummies and daddies are.

I understand depression it’s a major part of my life. But look in her eyes. See her laugh. Have a snotty kiss. You are her world. There is a little person on this planet who you are the world to.

You will not get better in a toxic home. You need compassion, love and help. Get to your nan. You can do this