Betrayal

[Eliza45]

Hi there, this is my first time using Mumsnet. Im not sure whether this is the right place to air my dirty laundry but feeling fairly desperate !
My husband of 9 years, told me in October that he had slept with his work colleague, twice, on separate business trips, once in 2015 and once in 2016! They are close working colleagues, I never liked their relationship (rightly so it would now appear!). He is remorseful, broken! I've tried to get him to explain it, doesn't he love me enough ? didn't he fancy me? what was so wrong ? I didn't see it coming ? The only explanation he can find is, detachment from home life. He travels a hell of a lot with his job, every week somewhere, and got caught up in these moments ....
He's fighting for his life with me now - I have 2 children, 9 and 7 - and I look at them and am so scared of what this will do to their lives if I cant get over this and move forward with Him. So confusing. Can you get over the betrayal and put your marriage back together ?????? He is the love of my life ! I thought we had everything .... how foolish was I ???

It's different for everyone.
Cheating for me is a Deal Breaker.
I've ended both of my long term relationships due to cheating.
To me it's totally unacceptable.
But thousands of couples repair their relationships after betrayal.
It's the longer and harder road but it can work out.
I admire anyone who wants to do this.
It will never work though if he still goes away with work all the time.
You will be worried every time.
Your stomach will be in knots every time he leaves.
It's no way to live.
So if you do work on this he will have to do a lot of things to earn back your trust. Changing his job being the first thing on his list!

How would he react if the situation was reversed? Give that some thought.

What prompted him to tell you? Because if he just sat down one day and said "I've got something I need to tell you..." I'd be suspicious that OW has threatened to tell you if he doesn't, which would indicate they're still having sex.

If he is serious he needs to be applying for other jobs right now.

Do YOU think you can forgive him?

Or will that just give him permission to do it again?

I don't buy his pathetic excuse thought find detachment from home life? C'mon, he did it because he could and because he thought he could get away with it.

You say he's fighting for you...what are his actions like? Has he ceased contact with the ow and tried to cancel future business trips? Is he offering full disclosure and passwords to phon, email, WhatsApp etc? Not saying you have to check these, just that if he's truly remorseful he will be taking action. Mine slept with a work colleague and said all the right things, but his actions afterwards betrayed him and we split up. Since then he's been an arse. Whatever you decide, and only you can decide what you want to do, and not rush anything, please do take action to protect yourself and your family financially just in case things go wrong. Take copies of available bank statements, loan and credit card details, wage slips etc. You may need them. And get on to the Chump Lady website.

The other thing I need to say is DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. He had a choice, if he was so unhappy then he could have dealt with that like an adult. You were in the same marriage and you didn't cheat. It's not circumstances, it is poor character that makes a cheater.

Hi Eliza,

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I am in a similar situation myself and only found out in December, but from everything I’ve read on the topic (a lot!) some people do manage to move past betrayal.

I think a lot depends on the situation and people involved. Is he genuinely remorseful and willing to do anything to rebuild your marriage, including marriage counselling? If his job takes him away all the time, that is going to be hard for you so could he get another job that doesn’t involve travel, or less at least? Ideally he needs to not work with her anymore as you will always feel threatened, especially if he goes away on trips. Do you still love him and want to save the marriage? You both need to be fully committed if it is going to work and accept that it will take a long time (probably 2 years or more) and a lot of hard work.

I wanted to leave my husband initially and kicked him out, saw a solicitor, etc but when the initial anger died down I realised that I still loved him and wanted to see if we could save our marriage (especially as we have 2 young children). We have agreed to make changes to our relationship, such as spending more quality time together, being more honest with each other about our feelings and making sure things are more balanced in terms of childcare, etc. So far it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster but we are having more good days now than we were a couple of months ago. In my mind I’m going to give it a year and see how I feel after that. If he doesn’t stick to any of the agreed changes or I find any evidence of contact with the OW or any other woman I will end it immediately.

Thank you all for your advice and comments. Its good to hear from you, and to share experiences.

I always thought cheating was a dealbreaker for me too!! until it happened to me, and since it has my emotions, my weaknesses and my strengths have been a constant surprise to me.

He is totally committed to wanting to make this right. He is being transparent about everything, and he is looking for a new job. This takes time, but he is travelling as minimally as possible, and staying away from OW. They have not communicated at all and I believe him. He is doing all that he can to put this right with me, and until recently we've actually been really close, closer than we've been in years probably, giving more time to each other.

We have talked and talked and talked about the changes we must make, and want to make, in order for this to stand a chance. But I have said, if there is anything else he hasn't told me, or there is any current communication etc, that will be it - my heart just wont be able to take it.

I've read its like mourning - a relationship lost - and I think I've been in denial for a while, holding onto him, not wanting to really acknowledge what has happened .... frightened of our life being blown apart - now I feel I'm out of the shock and the reality is hitting home.

I do love him - but what do I love ?? if there isn't trust and he's not the person I thought he was ??

StarlightSparkle I'm so sorry you have a similar heartbreak - its been the disbelief thats got me - I would have put money on the fact he would never do that to me but here we are. I know I want to try - If he changes jobs and we reset our lives, start again, perhaps we can work through it and even be better for it ?

The only explanation he can find is, detachment from home life. He travels a hell of a lot with his job, every week somewhere, and got caught up in these moments ....

You have read that some people get through it...but I am sceptical how many get through and have an enduring marriage. I haven't been through it thank goodness but have seen some who have. The ones that tried to get through it all struggled with the trust and seeing their DH in a different light. All have up in the end, one after 4 years and got divorced. All said they wished they had divorced at the time. Can't blame them for trying and can't say I wouldn't either but be realistic that the chances of getting your marriage back and lasting is slim. A few do manage it and if it is what you want good luck