Anybody have a mother who makes it clear she can’t stand you but puts up with you to have access to her grandchildren?

[Donewithitall]

Just that really. I have one. She is disdainful of everything about me and always has been. It’s unclear to me whether I just disappointed her so much that she has to try really hard to like me for the sake of reaping the rewards of DGD. Or whether everyone just disappoints her eventually. I’m an only child so have had no experience of her with siblings.

She still loves and admires my DF who tries to dismiss/diffuse/laugh off her constant put downs, negative behaviour and criticism towards me and has always done that too.

She makes it very clear that simply by some miracle of biology and genetic lottery I have had lovely DC who are the most important things to her in the world, and that I am simply an annoying, deficient, barrier which needs to be dealt with in order to get to them.

I am always torn between - she’s a toxic cow who will eventually turn on my DC too and/or turn against me. To maybe I am actually a shit human being and parent. And then to maybe she has a genuine connection with them and just did not feel one with me?

How common is it?

You are not a shit human being and I bet you’re a wonderful parent.

But you do need to protect your dc from this toxic bitch.

Can you go NC?

My Mother was the same, nothing I done was ever good enough in her eyes but my DC were perfect in every way, she was a really good grandmother and my kids loved her. I used her as a learning tool on how to deal with difficult people in other aspects of my life, particularly clients at work.

I notice the first reply is a NC one, seems that is the answer to all of life's problems on MN but be aware that it can cause more problems than it solves

Rise above it and you will become a wiser, stronger person for it.

Sounds like you need to cut contact with her. I don’t advise that lightly but you need to protect yourself and your DC.

Have you ever had counselling? Read the “Toxic Parents” book? Seen the Stately Homes thread?

God, that sounds horrible. I'm sorry.

How would she react to you putting some boundaries down? "Please don't talk to me like that. It's upsetting and cruel. If you find me so annoying and exasperating please leave". "Please don't roll your eyes when I speak". "Please don't say you can't understand how I bred these marvelous children". "The way you speak to me is unpleasant and upsetting, please stop it, or leave if you can't". (I guess I can relate a bit...)

It won't make her like you, but you it should knock some of it on the head. It might even get her to reflect a little. And help you not feel so powerless.

Sounds like my mum.

I couldn’t care less what she thinks of me these days. I used to want her to love me more than anything but now I’m just indifferent.

Reminds me of MIL except with her it's disapproval not distain. Everything I do for DC is wrong and she would do it better. Luckily DH sees through her shit and she only gets duty visits.

It must hurt that it's your mum OP. Try limiting contact and when you have to see her, laugh at her ridiculous behaviour behind her back, don't let her have the power. As for your DC, don't let her see them unsupervised, they don't need that in their lives and you certainly don't.

I have a grandmother like this!

Growing up my mum left when I was 2 and I stayed with my dad. My grandmother (dads mum) treated me like I was the most precious thing on earth. I remember her slating my mum in front of me and saying so many awful things about her.

Fast forward to when I was 14, I got back in contact with my mum. Im now 29 and things still aren't great between us and never will be but we have some kind of relationship, mainly for my children and my younger brother who is disabled (from my mums 2nd marriage).

Unfortunately the minute I spoke to her my grandmother disowned me pretty much. She has said some awful things about me in the past 15 years which have got me to the point where I do t speak to her h less I have to. She lives elsewhere vet an hour away so this is quite easy. When she comes to visit my dad she pretty much ignores me but makes the biggest fuss of the children. She really obviously makes more of a fuss about my son though and pretty much blanks my daughter, calling him 'her boy'.

It's got to the point now where I have told her it is noticeable and if she can't treat them the same infront if each other then don't bother as my daughter is at the age where she notices and gets upset. I've given up caring what she thinks of me now.

At the end of the day they are your children not hers, you do what you feel is best. If she's toxic then keep them away, maybe then she will realise things won't always go her way and may start trying to make more of an effort with you.
Remember, the way she treats you is a reflection of who she is, not you. Be the bigger person, rise above it and do what you feel is best regardless of her feelings