Would you carry on in this relationship

[Starchime]

I met a man on OLD about three weeks ago. We’ve had three dates, the last one with him coming over to mine and staying the night, although we haven’t done more than kiss.

My dilemma is this: he is absolutely great in every way, if I described my ideal man he would be it. He is extremely kind and caring, has close relationships with his friends and family, very intelligent and funny, has a great job in a creative field that is well paid and he adores so he is happy and fulfilled in himself, not needy or unhappy or unbalanced. We share the same values and interests. He thinks I’m beautiful, fancies me and is affectionate. I really respect, like and admire him and have loads of fun when I’m with him.

But I don’t 100% fancy him. It’s so annoying! I’m not completely turned off by him so maybe this is something that could grow? Or am I fooling myself? By three dates should I know whether or not I’m ever going to fancy him? I’ve asked that we take things slowly physically which he’s fine with, so I don’t have to rush into a decision but I guess I’m asking two things: is it possible to start, and keep fancying someone you don’t fancy after three dates? And if you never fancy them is it still a wise option to carry on with the relationship if everything else is ideal? We’re both early 40s if that makes a difference.

Intimacy

First time I saw my now-boyfriend in real life I didn't think he was anything special, in fact I was planning my excuses! By the time we'd chatted for an hour or two we found we got on well and there was a definite chemistry when we kissed goodbye.

Two years later the chemistry is better than ever and I think he's gorgeous so I think physical attraction can grow. You get to love the person from the inside out, if you get what I mean.

Karma do you mean I was raving about his other points a bit too much? I take your point, I think I was just trying illustrate that the only thing that seems to be missing is the fancying, I definitely don’t think he’s actually perfect or anything, just that he seems to be (and continues to seem to be the more I see him) a great match in other ways.

Purplelass, thank you that’s good to hear!

Ah that’s good to hear, OP.

I’ve only met this guy twice. Both times I wasn’t sure if I fancied him. We’ve been emailing a lot and we’re going out for dinner in a few days.

Since we’ve been emailing I like him even more. BUT - I do realise that’s me idealising someone I’m talking to on email and that the real test is being together f2f. So I’m going to spend time with him, not think too far ahead and see what I feel.

Time will tell!

I’ve seen him again and definitely really like and fancy him now! It can happen!

Hmm. The only time I've ended up dating someone that I didn't feel a sexual attraction to from date 1, we ended up in a sexless relationship which wasted 7 years of my fertile twenties.

Now I'm past my child bearing years and can be a lot more clear sighted about these things. "Is he good enough/take direction well at oral sex to make me orgasm?" If not, bin him off!

I think it can grow, one of my exes (not the best example maybe) was just a friend to begin with no lightening bolt. I then discovered how funnyou and clever he was which turned me in massively. He was in no way conventionally good looking but I couldn't get enough of him!

I don't think sexual attraction comes with time if anything the initial other attractive qualities fade and you are left with little if any attraction at all sadly I'm saying this from experience

I can never tell without having sex with them.

My current partner was pefect personality wise when i met him online but it wasnt til i tried him in bed when i thought.. Yep this guy is my guy! Haha

I'd carry on and see how it goes, I very rarely fancy someone straightaway, I have to get to know them too before anything clicks.

Give him a chance!

For me, attraction doesn't grow with time, I always had to have that initial wow feeling. I did date one guy for a few months who was absolutely perfect for me, but I just didn't fancy him even though I wanted to. He was good in bed too, but I just wasn't feeling it. I dumped him and broke the poor bugger's heart. Not long after I spotted the best looking bloke I'd ever seen in my life across a crowded room. Reader, I married him, and we've been together for 26 very happy years. So yeah, for me chemistry is crucial.

Three dates and no sex and youre wondering if you should carry on with this seemingly perfect guy? So many people seek "The Spark" - thats Bridgett Jones rubbish. Just take it slow , enjoy your time together, if it works out it works out, if it doesnt it doesnt

I agree with Thebirthdayparty. From my own experience I'd say that I need to fancy them and find them physically attractive from day one.

Exdp and I were together for 16 years or so, I fell for his sense of humour. He wasn't bad looking, but I didn't fancy him to look at. Sex was good, and at some point in the beginning I felt I fancied him, but started to avoid it as soon as other issues appeared in the relationship. And my thinking is this, once you start to loose interest in a man sexually, he'll be less inclined to meet your needs outside of the bedroom. I always felt he didn't really support me and didn't listen, despite saying all the right things. As I avoided sex, I felt he slipped into a subtle form of passive aggressive behaviour which undermined me.

I fancied DP from the minute I saw him. He felt the same. I'm marrying him, he's my forever. Day to day stuff gets sorted, he's supportive, he listens and does everything he can to make me happy. Big life changing decision, and several sacrifices on his part. We are physically close, emotionally close and after two years it just gets better. He's even tackled his drinking issue, and he's turned his life upside down to look after me and DC. He is the best looking man I've ever set eyes on. And the only man (3 previous LTR) I've ever agreed to marry.

I think waiting for physical attraction to depend on personality is wrong. As soon as problems appear then desire (and love) fades fast.