Non EU relationships

[nomdeplumage]

Please help me to get a bit of perspective. I will try to outline the situation without giving out to much information for privacy reasons.

About 2 years ago I met someone online ( non EU national)
We talk every day and went on holiday together a year ago.
Plan is to meet up one more time and then try to get some sort of visa so he can visit me in the UK.
Chances that he will get Visa are slim
There is no chance that I could marry this guy as I do not earn enough money for him to live in the UK.
As much as I like the guy and would like to spend more time with him to see if a relationship is viable, it will be very difficult to achieve this.
Although I've lived alone for about 3 years and have been happy to do so and am not in a rush to have someone move in with me, I do wonder realistically how long I should wait and how much time and energy I should invest into something that will probably not come together. By concentrating on this relationship I'm preventing myself from meeting anyone locally and spend a lot of my free time alone. While this doesn't concern me at the moment, I'm wondering at what point I say , you know what I need to live my life not wait around for 5 years in case you get a 2 week tourist visa.

I've got children by previous relationship (and won't have more) so it's not a question of time running out more a case of will I regret in 5 years time not going out on that date with Mr local because I was staying in waiting for someone who had no chance of getting into the country.

Can someone/should someone insist you stay single so that you can meet up with them once a year....I think I know the answer but just want to see what it looks like written down.

No one can insist you stay single. Who you want to be in a relationship with is up to you and it sounds like you don’t want to be in this one. Trying to sort out immigration and visas takes a lot of energy and money and puts a huge strain on even the strongest relationship. I’m not sure it’s worth it if your heart isn’t really in it. However, just to correct one thing - you can get tourist visas for up to 6 months.

I’m a non EU national and I emigrated to the UK to be with my dh. I can tell you from experience that the process of settling in the UK is arduous and expensive. It’s taken me 7 years now from fiancée visa to finally only last month applying for permanent settlement (though have been living in the UK during that time on non-permanent visas). It’s also cost me probably £10,000 in total in visa fees and for a solicitor.

You two may talk every day but I think if he is keen to go through all of that and give up his friends and family, his job, his whole life after meeting you twice, honestly he’s in love with getting a visa, not you. It’s a massive life change (for you as well). My dh and I met and lived together for 8 months (working abroad in a third country) before we were ready to even consider taking that step and you need to show extensive commitment to each other, travel, time spent together, photos, emails, flight itineraries, etc. to prove you’re a genuine couple to get that initial visa, never mind the income threshold. It’s tough and stressful. Wanting to do that after meeting like twice would be a massive red flag for me, especially if he has no hisof travel to the UK.

That said, the pp is absolutely right. He can get a 6 month tourist visa to visit you. He can’t work on this (but he’ll be barred from working initially anyway). But it’s at least time for you to see if this might go anywhere. Going on holiday is not the same as day to day life, paying bills, taking the bins out. That visa should be possible from most countries (maybe not the especially dodgy ones). I used to come about 2-3 times a year for a month to 3 months at a time when my dh and I were dating (he did the same to me, we were both students so had summers and non term time etc). We did that for 2 years before I decided to move and apply for a fiancée visa. It’s expensive (but all of it’s expensive) and it would help you to decide.

But the answer is no, I wouldn’t wait around for someone who was going nothing to make it possible to be with me. My now dh and I were serious, both put in a lot of time and money and worked really hard to build a life together. If he isn’t doing that and you’ve hardly met, no I wouldn’t give up a life you could have here and I definitely wouldn’t spend money to get him here that you could be spending on your children instead.

It really doesn't matter about the circumstances, difficulty of getting visas and long distances relationships, the key point is this: the answer to should someone insist you ... is a resounding No.

Noone should insist on your doing anything. It is fair enough to rethink the relationship if you cannot agree with, or live with, the other person's choices. If you think for a moment, you will see that they cannot insist on anything.

By concentrating on this relationship I'm preventing myself from meeting anyone locally and spend a lot of my free time alone.

This alone is sufficient for you to declare the relationship over and start living your** own life. You have had a romantic interlude but now it's over. It might be worth your while, to examine your own thoughts, to understand why you appear to be allowing this person to attempt to control you long-distance and to avoid such relationships in future. To me, this sounds serious enough to require some assertiveness training or other support to put firm boundaries in place. All the very best.

Thankyou for your responses.

Just to clarify, this guy is not insisting I stay single ( in the sense that obviously I can break it off if I want) more that he says he trusts me and is asking me to wait for him. So by implication I'm waiting to see if he can get a visa.
I should also explain he could try for a 6 month visa but a solicitor told me that he would be questioned as to how he could fund himself for 6 months and it would be better to try for a short stay.
He is unlikely to get this visa as he doesn't have regular work and he needs to show he will return to his country.
I know you might think he's just after a visa but in this case he knows I have no money, no assets and don't earn enough to be his sponsor. He does want to leave his country to start a new life, look for a good career ( he is a professional but can't find work in his field) He is happy to leave everything behind- he has very little going on there and he has never asked me for money ever. He knows I have no money to pay for solicitors. I do believe he loves me but the reason I seem less keen (despite being attracted to him and very fond of him) is I can't invest in someone totally when I don't know if there is a future . I don't want to get hurt. If he was by a miracle able to get a visa I'd give it a go for 6 months and see what happened as I would with any relationship.

He is making an effort to apply for a visa ( by saving money). It's just if he applies now he will almost certainly be rejected.
At the point we are now, I'm thinking he's in denial. We will never have thousands of pounds to throw at a visa and I'm not in a position to get a full time job ( due to the children).

This tells me, it's not worth it. As I say I haven't been interested in anyone else yet so I'm sticking with it at the moment ( I do enjoy his online company) but if I did meet someone local I know he would be devastated and I'd end up feeling really guilty, because if he was in the UK I would date him, definitely.

I had been married to my non EU dh for thirteen years, with two British dc and a house in the uk and I couldn’t get him in the country.

Oh yes and just to add, the reason we won't have extensive travel documentation is that he and I are both low earners and we just can't afford to go away more than once a year. He would like to but I can't due to family commitments. Plus we have to meet in a place he can easily get a visa to ( so outside Europe).

SavoyCabbage- Is that because you earn below the threshold if you don't mind me asking?
This is the kind of info I need thanks. Because if I know I don't have hells chance of getting him in then I will need to cut my losses.

What I'd like to say is... I like you I care about you. If you ever get that visa, I'd love to meet you, spend some time with you and take it from there but until then I need to get on and live my life...

he says he trusts me and is asking me to wait for him

I'm very sorry, this is heartbreaking but it is the way it is. It is never easy to find a new partner, and it is a million times harder if there is an 'if only' in your head. Anyone you ever meet will never measure up to him, who has become with distance your idealised view of a man. Spending time on holiday together is delightful, a genuine holiday romance. It,s not how you both are under the stress of everyday life.

Its because i am not close to you, that it is clear to me that your best way forward is to just cut him off, enjoy your life and your DC and do not allow yourself to dwell on 'if only'. That way you have some chance of future happiness. All the very best.

FinallyHere

Thank you. This sort of thing you are saying really helps. Yes it's heartbreaking for him more than me I think. I've had a few relationships gone bad. I'm normally very pragmatic. I met someone locally who is interested and I could have had a date or even just a very close friendship (to be honest just the company for a day out would be nice but I turned it down because I feared what might happen). I tried to talk to Mr online about it. I asked him what would happen if I met someone but he got really upset. it's not about the physical side. Really sometimes you just want a real person in your town who you can call up to meet not someone you can fly out to meet once a year. My feeling is maybe I need to meet him once more, see what's left ( to be honest my feelings have diminished through lack of contact . Its really hard to sustain when you have very little shared memories or experience). To be honest it's not the lack of partner that bothers me. I don't mind living on my own, it's the fact that in his eyes we are in a committed relationship which although it doesn't physically stop me talking to other people does sort of trap me mentally as I don't feel single.

Yes it was. Dh is a high wage earner and I was a sahm. We moved for dh's job and then we couldn't move back again because it's all about the British citizen's income. There are lots of people trapped in the same situation. You can't even count overtime.

SavoyCabbage

Yes I've heard about cases like yours. It's such a travesty. I really think they ought to take each situation on a case by case basis. It's highly unfair in circumstances like yours. I can understand that my situation is very flimsy compared to yours and quite rightly should be questioned but I do have tremendous empathy for people in your situation and think the financial restriction is unfair.

Proving that your relationship is genuine I can understand but separating genuine families... grossly unfair.

Umm, because I feared what might happen. This sounds a little worrying... what does it mean?

Its really hard to sustain when you have very little shared memories or experience. Indeed, and you will find yourself filling in tbe blanks, and it will seem the most perfect relationship, if only....

in his eyes we are in a committed relationship ... does sort of trap me mentally as I don't feel single.

Maybe that's why he says it. If he really cared for you, and wanted the best for you (which is how you would know, not because he tells you, you are in a committed relationship), he would be arguing that you should forget all about him and go off and enjoy your own life. He would not* be trying to hold you back.

Have you ever had to rip off a plaster? How would it fell to cut all contact, now, zip its off. All the best.

Finallhere "Umm, because I feared what might happen. This sounds a little worrying... what does it mean?"

Sorry this just means that I feared I'd have a fling, be unfaithful to Mr Online etc. I don't want to break his heart ( who does like ending things?) but I need to have an end point at which I know things will be resolved one way or another. Even people who have partners in prison usually have a release date after all which is something I don't.

Thanks for all the good wishes. I will leave this thread here as it's given me the incentive to think about how, when and why to end things.

Many thanks for your kind words.