So why can't I leave?

[tobbay]

Following on from my is it him or me post.... it's quite clear seeing it in black and white that he isn't treating me well and hasn't got my back in any way..

Yet I'm finding it hard to just cut all toes and leave him.. something is making me stay or making me not want anyone else to have him (What the hell for I hear you cry?)

From experience or from an outsiders perspective, what makes someone stay with a complete idiot who treats them terribly and has them as their lowest priority??
Do I really love him?
Am I so lacking in self respect?
Comfort?

I know these are questions only I can answer really but I honestly don't know why I'm not saying "goodbye, never contact me again"

And getting on with being with my children and friends and being happy, rather than constant worrying and anxiety day after day... what's wrong with me??!!

Sorry not cut all toes 😂 bit that might help me feel better if I did!

There are so many reasons.

Low self-esteem
Your upbringing and lessons you learned about relationships
Being treated similarly in the past but this time 'it's not quite so bad'
Conditioning by him so you think it's your fault
You have rescuer tendencies and think you can change or save them
You are a people pleaser
You are not assertive
You don't think anyone else will have you
You don't think there is anything better out there for you
Sunk cost fallacy
Love!!??

Honestly OP - there are so many reasons and it's why so so many women stay in crappy relationships.
The sooner we can all tackle this and end things the sooner men will need to work harder at relationships.
There's such an imbalance.

Fear of change is a big factor.

Divorce. Maintenance. Contact arrangements. Separating finances. These are all new ideas to a lot of people. It's a lot to get your head round. In comparison, persistent but very everyday crap can seem manageable.

It's definitely worth it, though.

Being treated badly by someone doesn't mean you want to cause them pain.

What is hard to see though and what'll you need to keep in mind, is that the sort of guy who didn't show much care for us during the relationship will initially play up the 'im devastated and in pain cos you left me', but will then happily move on fast and really were only devastated to be called out and humiliated by being the one who was dumped.

I stayed with my ex too long because I mistakenly thought despite his faults he loved me and would be desperately hurt with me leaving. I didn't want to do that to him because I cared for him. When I did leave he cried, threatened suicide, offered me the world, begged etc but I couldn't go back even though it killed me to see him in such pain. WELL, he suddenly got over and moved onto the next idiot woman.

The thing is he completely dumped and blocked me out of the blue one day, 6 days after he asked me to marry him. No warning and had been speaking to/seeing his ex behind my back and said he still loved her. Two weeks after that came back to me and he's made a mistake and still loved me...... I stupidly took him back as he was on his best behaviour then.... loving, attentive, interested in me blah blah... of course that wasn't his true self but I was caught up in the whirlwind.
So on top of all the other stuff, he completely to me my heart and I've not trusted him since.

In that case, you thought you'd won the prize.
You were the better option etc...
Truth is, the grass wasn't greener or she dumped him when she realised what an arse he was and you were the fall back girl.
And you fell for it.
A lot of people do!
Been there and got the t-shirt.

The human brain is wired to prevent change. It's a thing that worked back in the Stone Age because on balance, you were more likely to survive if you stuck to what you knew. Doing something very different to what was normal, was quite likely to get you killed, back then. Life isn't like that anymore, but our brains haven't caught up.

What you're experiencing now is that Stone Age brain screaming at you not to change your life because what if you get eaten by a leopard etc. You want to hang on to something familiar. There's nothing wrong with you.

It's quite hard to ignore that screaming, but it can be done. The key is to do something every day that moves you in the direction that you want to go.

Sometimes it's even just enough if the action only points you in the direction you want to go. So - even if you obsess a bit one day - still get up and purge your house of things that remind you of him. Or do something different that day, like drawing something, or going to the garden centre to dream about something new you'll do this spring, maybe an indoor plant, herb box. Or go for a walk. Just something different that has nothing to do with him.

Bring the focus of your daily life slowly but surely onto parting from him completely. And in time you'll find you are able to do it.

I did fall for it as we all want the dream romance!

PrizeOik that is such good advice... if only I can make that break.

I almost don't want him but also don't want him moving on without me

I think at a certain point, someone makes you so dependent on the next high - the next time that they act lovingly and generously to you - that you can't bear to live without the idea of it. It's an addiction. You're plodding along in the darkness until they decide to grant you some happiness.

The only way to get out of it is to be brave enough to plod along in the darkness for long enough that you adjust to normality again.

One thing that is helpful is to find another source of support and talk and talk. Whether that's a close friend, or a counsellor, or internet buddies, it will help wrench you away from his unhealthy and toxic opinions about you.

PrizeOik that is such good advice... if only I can make that break.

I may have misunderstood you, but isn't that the point of PrizeOik's advice? You don't make the break first and then follow the advice. You do the little bits of freedom thinking now and one day you'll realise you're closer than you were to making the break.

tobbay I understand completely where you are coming from. I too have been stuck in this cycle.

I’ve made the decision to end it and it is hard. Because no one is 100% awful. We stay for the good bits. And they know we will because they think we are weak and need them. Put yourself first for once.