Can the trust be rebuilt?

[hipposinacircle]

Just that really. I need an outside perspective because I don't know where to turn IRL.

I'm pretty much at the end of my patience with DH. We have been married for 3 years, 1 DC together and I have 1 DC from a previous relationship. 6 months before we got married I found out that he had drunkenly kissed a colleague at a work function. I was obviously gutted but I believed (and still do) that it was a one off and not worth throwing everything away for, although obviously my trust in him was severely dented.

I've been on Maternity Leave for most of the last 12 months and feel like we have spent a lot of that time arguing, mainly around money. We both earn decent enough money to have been able to manage while I've been off. Although I have been receiving SMP but I saved money while I was still working, but he didn't. So now I think he has been struggling but he is lying to me about it. He has increased a personal loan when I specifically asked him not to and he has taken money out of our joint account thinking I wouldn't notice. As well as this, he is still spending money on designer clothes and when I ask him about it he lies about the cost.

I am fed up with lies and secrets and arguing. He keeps saying he will be more honest with me but I don't know how many more chances I can keep giving him. The trust is pretty much all gone now and I don't know if it can be recovered.

He was diagnosed with anxiety last year and is taking anti-anxiety tablets and was seeing a counsellor last year. I suggested during one of our recent rows that he starts seeing her again to which he said he had the next session booked but that turned out to be a lie too. Although now he is asking me to consider going with him and having marriage counselling...but I'm wondering is it too late?

Why would you need marriage counselling?
You don't have a problem?
HE has a problem.
He needs to tackle his lying first.
Then you can have counselling together to see if the trust can be built back up.
But nothing positive will happen while he is still lying to you and not getting any help with it!

I think if the trust has gone and can't be recovered then in reality your marriage is over and you need to start dealing with it.

If you think there is a realistic possibility you can get some trust back (won't ever be the same though),then you need to work at it and he needs to realise that any more relapses then the marriage will be over. No ifs and no buts!

why would you need marriage counselling?
Because marriage counselling is about problems that affect a relationship irrespective of who causes it, its still a problem to be addressed.

is it to late?
Only if you have had enough and are certain that you do not want to be anywhere near this man at all ever again. Even if that is the case its still not to late for counselling as this can help you come towards a less confrontational and dramatic ending which in the long term where a child is involved and access arangements are to be agreed will be a benefit.

I wouldn't bother. You say you make decent money - you'd be ok on your own then? so why try to salvage something that he's fucked up so badly? It's not meant to be this difficult.

I'd separate and then he's free to work on his issues and, if he can show a change in behavior over time, maybe he can ask you to try again then.

Don't keep your wagon hitched with someone like this. He'll just make all his shortcomings your problem to solve. None of this shit is your job to tackle - he's a known liar who despite being caught out multiple times just keeps lying. Let him deal with the consequences of his own actions..

Trust can't be rebuilt while the issues you have are ongoing - it makes no sense to trust someone who repeatedly breaks their word and lies. How can you?

So in the absence of evidence that he can change, you either choose to stay and protect your own assets/get rid of the joint account/separate finances and disengage emotionally - or split up as amicably as you can. I'd go with the latter.