Taking breaks in relationships.

[A022]

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I have ever done one of these things where you ask for advice. But sometimes it’s easier to talk to strangers than friends and family.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We are each other’s first loves and have been with him since I was 18, him 19. A bit of background on us. We have never had high sex drives, we have usually been a 3 or so times a month type of couple, and we have always been bickerers and that has always been fine by us. It's also worth noting that I have anxiety and depression but I am not on any medication for it.

Recently we have been clashing, a lot. We argue more, disagree on a lot. We haven't had sex in around 4/5 months (I have no desire). Although we still cuddle and spoon in bed, kiss each other, say we love each other every day and I 'fool around' with him, he doesn't with me. That stems more from me not wanting to be touched. I have gained around a stone that leaves me not 'in the mood'.

To add to all this, I really want to get engaged. I am 25, always wanted to be married by 26 and has known that since I was 19. He hasn't done anything about it and this leaves me feeling extremely frustrated towards him, like I am not worthy of it and then I feel rejected. I think I am a horrible person and think I am ugly and fat and that no-one would want to be with me, which adds to it all when I feel like I am literally begging him to propose to me.

I have got to a point where I feel so hostile towards him and angry and worthless. I am open with him about my feelings and try to talk to him, but he doesn't like talking things out, he will get frustrated and we end up arguing and it goes in a circle. So, my question after my very long essay (sorry) is, do you think there are cases where you both decide to take a break (not like Ross and Rachel) but one to cool off, have time apart and give each other a chance to miss one another while also thinking through your thoughts with no interruptions. But then come back together and continue on with a happy healthy relationship.

Or do you think reading the above that the relationship may have come to a natural end where we both keep fighting but don't really know what for.

I would like to add that my partner is a genuinely lovely human, he is kind and funny he loves me and he is my best friend. I love him, but I feel like I make him unhappy.

Sorry about all these ramblings, and thank you to anyone who reads this and has some insight :)

Hi, I've just been in a similar position and asked for a break. He was such a dick about it that I ended up dumping him. Our communication was rubbish, sex had gotten less frequent, bickering, frustrated etc. It came to a natural end. It sounds like you too aren't on the same page at all and you'd be best to call it quits now instead of wasting anymore time with him. I'm not sure why you want to get married by 26. Sounds very arbitrary and quite young. I got married at 30, my husband was 25 and so immature at that age and we've ended up divorced. Don't rush. I imagine your depression and anxiety will lift somewhat if not completely once you are free from this guy who plainly is t right for you. I gained weight since Christmas because that's when things turned sour and I was comfort eating. He's not good for your fragile mental health. You're young, find someone who is on the same page as you and you will be much happier.

So to be clear you have depression and anxiety but are not getting help for it.

You feel unatractive and do not want to have sex with your partner

You feel rentfull that he hasnt asked you to marry him at 26 because you have a dream of being married by this age

You want to talk about your feelings but he wont.

You say you love each other every day are affectionate but you want to end it to see if you will miss each other.

Is this correct?
To me it sounds like the issues are about you not the relationship or him. I would suggest maybe some time apart to focus on your self esteem and well being. Trying to get to the root cause of your depression and anxiety through counselling and then look at your relationship from a new perspective. Just breaking up in the hope that he will miss you and ask you to marry him while you are like this seems a bit misguided manipulative and shortsighted.