Giving DH Space

[tigercub50]

I have posted quite a lot on here about my marriage. It’s good that these days DH & I can sit down & talk about stuff but I am still finding something very difficult. When we fall out, he will sometimes take himself off for a break but I very often follow him & try to tell him how he has annoyed/upset me. He has told me over & over to respect his need for space but I find it virtually impossible not to pursue him to have my say! It drives me demented when DD does it to me but still I do it! DH gets incredibly defensive as soon as I am in the room & if it goes on for a while, he can say some quite nasty things ( I imagine out of sheer frustration). One thing he always says is that I am trying to “beat him into submission”. Actually, many a time he has actually apologised but I just have this overwhelming need to explain what he did and more importantly to suggest how we can do things differently. Feels like we’re on a hamster wheel sometimes! My main bugbear is that he nearly always says I misinterpreted him when he upsets me. His latest thing is that apparently it’s my choice how I interpret him - I think that gives him free rein to say or do what he likes as it’s then down to me to choose if I’m offended! It’s this that I followed him about today.
Does anyone else feel the need to follow their other half & have it out with them? And is he trying to avoid responsibility? At least as I said he does apologise but he admitted that today he didn’t know what he was saying sorry for!

Anyone around?

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Give him some space? You don’t always have to agree. If he is sulking fair enough bit if it is just a ‘time out’ ten minutes then leave him be

When he goes away write it all down to show him later. You really mustn’t follow him to ‘have your say’ - it’s really not ok and so invasive. You know this, so just stop it.

Time outs are fine and usually recommended but there must be an agreement to resume conversation as otherwise nothing is resolved.

If his apologies are, "sorry but you chose how you interpreted me" then it does feel as if he can't accept responsibility.
Ex always blamed me for everything he did to upset me.He had a hair trigger response to sorry.

I found that ex had a range of tactics to avoid "blame", it was due to his abusive parents who never modelled healthy conflict.
I read Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship" and helped me to recognise and name the tactics.Ex was too narcisstic to change so hence the ex.It was exhausting and draining being married as the usual ups and downs of family life, where people say sorry and change behaviour so as to be more considerate to a partner never happened.Sadly he now does the same to the dc.

Fair enough he needs his space I'm like that after a row and anyone constantly following or going on at me just makes me even angrier and leads to me sometimes being quiet nasty just so they will f off and leave me be. However I do take responsibility for what I've said (once I've calmed down) and as much as I hate it will admit I shouldn't have said whatever at the time and will apologise. It sounds like he's avoiding responsibility for what he says by saying "you choose to interpret it how you want" if we all live by that logic we can say whatever we want with no responsibility. Maybe just let him go off and when he comes back say your piece! failing that show him the thread with everyone's advice and opinions see what he says other people think about his behaviour

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Please respect his need for space. He's asked you to give him some time alone - why do you keep refusing to respect that?

I had an ex who used to badger me after arguments. I'd say "just give me ten minutes" or "I'm just going to have a bath, we'll talk afterwards" but that was never enough. He had to follow me around and pester me until I was so pissed off, I gave in and blew up. I hated it. He always got what he wanted but I never got the space I asked for.

Following him about like a whiny toddler is not going to help matters. Give him space! If you can't do that in the house, then go out for a bit, have a bath or ring a friend.

I know it's nicer to get answers straight away but you're only causing more upset and tension by ignoring his wants and needs after a row.

You need to give him space when he walks away.

Following him will not help and is likely to escalate matters.

It's always worth bearing in mind that we as human beings can interpret things differently. Have you tried saying the things he says to an independent person and see if they interpret it the same as you do?

As an example my Dsis asked my BIL (as part of some exercise) to use 3/4 words to describe her. His words of choice were "kind to a fault".

She wasn't too impressed, but it was because BIL tried to say his words were complimentary.

So she asked me her SIL (BILS Dsis) and others if they would take what he said as complementary. Nobody agreed with him, yet he insisted he didn't say anything to be upset with.

Failing to understand that using the word fault isn't ever going to sound complimentary.

Dsis didn't ask for nice things to be said...but BILS insistence (despite the views of several others) that Dsis had misinterpreted or taken a negative view on what he said became the issue.

How often is this cycle happening? How often are you following him around when he doesn't want you to?

Just do what he asks and give him soace. It's not tricky.

If you must, write down what you wanted to say and tell him later when you're both calm.

But if this is happening on a regular basis, then you might want to look at your relationship. Is it worth staying?

I would find your behaviour intimidating.

Your post is all about how he’s upset you, do you not accept any responsibility ?

Please respect his need for space. He's asked you to give him some time alone - why do you keep refusing to respect that?

^ this.

It used to be fairly regular but we don’t fall out much anymore. Our general communication is much better. Having said that, I am finding it difficult not to hang onto the past & so if we do argue, I fear that it will turn out like it used to. I am actually going back to counselling as I need to deal with the squashed down anger that I wasn’t able to properly express ( this goes back to childhood when in my opinion my feelings were not always validated). DH would definitely benefit from counselling to deal with his low self esteem.

The beating him into submission is the thing that stands out for me. You need to be careful, that just because you explain to him how he made you feel and make suggestions about improving the situation, it doesn’t mean he has to agree with you. He may be seeing things differently and feel different to you. By you keeping on at him, and following him into rooms, this can be construed as trying to force your opinion on him and be very frustrating and make him feel like he’s not being heard.

I’d give him the space, use the time to write down what you want to say, but he needs to make time afterwards to discuss it when everyone is calm, he’s had his space and you can then talk. Just make sure it’s not brushed under the carpet at this point

You do sound slightly dictatorial & I mean it nicely. You need to respect his space. Don’t force him down the counselling route, it’s not right for everyone & could be your next potential issue. There’s more than one way to skin a cat, you need to accept you’re different & his way of dealing with things is just as valid as yours

Acknowledge to him that he needs his space and also tell him you'd like to resume the conversation and this includes his version of events.

Moving away from you may be a way to cope with rising anger and he doesn't want you to be near.

Northernparent68 I do take responsibility when I’m in the wrong. Our argument yesterday was caused by the way DH spoke to me in the car. It therefore started with what he’d done but somehow he manages to turn it around so that I’m the bad guy or he does what I’ve already said & tells me I misinterpreted. What I struggle to get across to him is that even if he didn’t intend to upset or offend me, he has, and if you do that to someone you love then you apologise. You don’t start a debate as to whether the other person should have been upset or not.

OP I think there are two separate things here.

Firstly he absolutely does need to know he’s upset you. But, if he asks for space and you keep on at him and follow him around, then unfortunately, you are also in the wrong and bullying him, regardless of what he did. So he Won’t be listening to you telling him about the hurts he’s caused, he’ll be protecting himself from your bullying.

Once he’s had his space you need to be able to talk to him about the original issue. If you’ve given him space then he should return the favour and spend time achnowledging how you feel and discuss it