How to get husband to understand my PoV

[Alibaba87]

Hi there,
I just need some help, I’m trying to get my husband to understand my POV and feelings about our baby. In terms of upbringing I think ours were quite different, which seems to be why we are at odds; he has lots of sisters and grew up around all of his family. I lived with my parents, and away from my extended family (though visited regularly and very close to them!) He is keen to start giving our baby (5months,EBF) to family (we live in the same town as all his family) for regular overnights. I’ve said I’m just not ready for this yet, they do visit her regularly at weekends and also babysit so get alone time with her, mil also has two days with her a week as childcare. When she’s older I’m happy for her to go to MiL for the occasional sleepover, but don’t necessarily want to lose my child regularly each week (we both work full time so weekends are precious!). My husband really doesn’t understand how I feel, and I’m made to feel like a possessive mother who’s being very unfair to the extended family for not agreeing to these overnights (I feel she is still little and there’s plenty of time for sleepovers to happen!). It feels every time it comes up it’s a battle with him assuming that at some point I will just give in and say yes to regular sleepovers and that I just need to get a grip.
Maybe one day I will be happy for weekly nights away, but in the meantime how can I help him see my POV and drop it.

You're not ready so don't. By 5 months my kids had regular sleepovers at my mum's.

However, I was ready for that. That's what my family do. Your extended family have time with your Dd and your Mil looks after her a couple of times so it's not like, when you're ready for sleepovers she won't be used to them.

Do it when you are both ready. 5 months is not that old.

Good luck

You have to be ready! Take your time OP.

Your response is a normal position for many mums myself included.

I dont think its about forcing your point of view on him but him understanding that in this situation you are imovable and he needs to accept it for the next few months even if he doesnt get it.

You can then revisit it then when you are more relaxed as a mum rather than causing tension and stress on an ongoing basis which will affect your marriage.

Why do you have to make him see your point of view. It sounds like your trying but hes clearly not listening and pushing you on the matter. Quite frankly i would just tell him that its not happening and its not up for discussion either, end off.

At her age, there is no benefit of a sleepover, to your dd. So is your dh trying to give you both a night off- which might be a nice thought but clearly isn't going to work if you are not happy. Or he is trying to humour his mother by handing over your LO so she can "play" at being mum.
Your daughter isn't a toy!

No way would I do this before 18 months, unless there was a very pressing reason.

I had exactly the same and can only say to hold firm until you are ready. Just the thought and the nagging used to upset me. Dd was 18 months before I left her with them (or anyone) for an evening and 3 for an overnight. Don't feel you have to rush it, if you don't want to leave her, you don't want to!

Are the in-laws pushing for this too? Or would MiL back you up and tell DH that you're not ready, so that's it?
I agree with Phillipa. Put your foot down.

Do you most want him to see your POV or most want him to drop it?

Are you tying yourself in knots to avoid the family bitching about how you are unreasonable?

Own it instead. Honestly it makes life so much easier.

Say no firmly and clearly. Give no fucks about whether they think you wonderful or shit.

No attempts to stop them bitching behind your back. Let them go for it. It will make them feel better about your decision anyway.

Yes they are, it often comes up when visiting. Lots of hinting, if we are visiting in the evening there’s lots of ‘just leave her here, she’ll be fine’ and ‘ooo I would love to have her anytime’. I think it’s often at the suggestions of his Mum that he brings it up.

Your dh needs to back off. My daughter is nearly two and we've only left her for one night! There's no way I'd agree to a regular overnight even now - I'd miss her. Fair enough if you both want it, but you don't.

I am very jealous of your childcare - you're very lucky to have family nearby. It doesn't mean you have to use them when you don't want to though!

No. Just no. Put your foot down hard here.

Just offering another POV here, but if mil has your LO 2 days a week, is it such a massive step to maybe let them take care of her overnight just once in awhile, they clearly felt they want to do this and a night without your LO May be ok. If you try it and really can’t settle it will then be easier for your DP to see it is too soon, he may then understand your POV. What do you think will happen overnight that can’t happen during the day.

Hi crazydoglady, I think at some point I will be happy to leave her for an overnight, just not yet. I still BF at night so would have to get up and express. Also I feel I don’t see her as much as I’d like already; an hour or two when I get home, then a day at weekends, the other day we often see in laws. I know what you mean re trying a night to see and maybe then husband will understand, but I’d hate to set a precedent. I trust my MiL completely so it’s not really about me worrying as such.

Op you don't ever have to be ready you know!! Mil has raised her dc it's fine for you to have yours home every night - they aren't toys you have to share and you aren't 5!!

Ahh I see, does the EBF mean breast fed, then I take back all I said, I would not want to have to still get up and express even though she wasn’t there.Sorry I didn’t know what that meant.

But what's your husband's POV? Is it perhaps about him trying to get his wife back? So you can have a date night or something? It's easy for husbands to get a bit overlooked when there's a tiny baby. Perhaps he's just after some tlc? I'd try to get to the bottom of that but obv not leave your baby overnight if you're not happy with that.

PS The family sound amazing with all the childcare on tap.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my baby over night with anyone else and he’s four months older than yours and I bottle feed.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it in theory if other people feel ok with it, but it’s not for me.

Don’t feel bad for not wanting to. I’d just ignore the hints and OH and just say clearly no, not now and change the subject.

I didn’t leave my kids overnight till they were 4 and 7.

Stand firm OP. You’re not ready, you may never be ready. But trying to force you will just breed resentment.

You don’t have to share your baby with mil. She has no rights to expect her overnight. No way I’d leave my baby overnight unless I wanted to or in an emergency. I certainly wouldn’t be forced into it against my will. Your baby, your choice. Is your DH doing this to try and get out of his own responsibility to looking after the baby? If your mil looks after the baby overnight then he doesn’t need to give you a break because she’s doing it? Whatever the reason he wants to give baby to mil just stand firm. Say no. Especially as baby is BF! They are being very unfair to judge you for saying no.

She’s 5 months old. Just tell DH it’s not happening & that he needs to tell his family that - firmly.

Absolutely not! Don't allow this. I did and I regret it massively.

You are the mother and you decide.