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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need a solution to mil visits

19 replies

itsme123 · 08/05/2007 13:46

my mil has just invited herself to stay for my dh birthday and also our dd's birthday (who will be 2) which is 4 weeks afterwards. She is hard work when she comes ie doesnt help out or play with dd. i have to ask her to play with dd or read her a book etc and generally it is real chore.
Dh and i are rowing alot over it as he wants to his mum to see him and our dd on their birthdays. When she comes to visit, she likes to go to the pub with my dh whilst i stay home.
She cant really pop in for the day as she doesnt drive and the train is 2.5 hours each way.
i know i am being a little unreasonable but my dh did move away long before he met me and his mum only seems to want to come for an occasion and "play the doting mum/ grandmother" which i know is a load of grot.

OP posts:

FiveFingeredFiend · 08/05/2007 13:47

can you not invite yourself somewhere else?

MrsWeasley · 08/05/2007 13:47

Suggest that she stays in whilst you and DH go for a drink!

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 08/05/2007 13:49

She likes to go to the pub with your DH while you stay at home?

No wonder you're less than enthusiastic.

mumto3girls · 08/05/2007 13:52

Say yes and thenmakesure that you are out bothnights (once dd is inbed).

Original poster

itsme123 · 08/05/2007 13:52

I could invite myself somewhere else but feel i should see Dh on his birthday - he obviously keener to see his mum. I have suggested he goes to see her though, so i guess that is just the same thing as i wouldnt go and he would go for the weekend!

Dh seems to like going out with his mum - perhaps more than me i am beginning to think.

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 08/05/2007 13:53

How would you see himif he is going togo to pub with his mum anyway?

Just makeother plans for yourself.

Original poster

itsme123 · 08/05/2007 13:57

Good point M23Girls - although if she wasnt coming, i would have made nice dinner or got a babysitter so we could have gone out. I obviously think more about it than he does!

OP posts:

zubb · 08/05/2007 13:57

why don't you get a babysitter and all go out, either to the pub or for a meal for his birthday - or all go out earlier with your dd as well.
And just keep asking her to do things like read a story / play a game.
Not sure what you mean by the fact that she only wants to come over on occassions - sounds like you wouldn't want it to be a more regular thing than that anyway!

FiveFingeredFiend · 08/05/2007 13:59

Get over yourself a bit. It's his mum, on a special occasion, the old bitch doesn't bother at other times. You didn't like her anyway, so either you go out - or he goes to her.

but skulking " he likes his mummy better than me" is POO and completely not endearing to your dh.

Original poster

itsme123 · 08/05/2007 14:09

zubb - the idea of all going out together earlier is better, not really thought of that. What i meant by occassions - is that it's only when she wants to. Wouldnt take a holiday to see us but can take holiday to look after neighbours cat.
It is hard work asking her all the time to play / read with dd. I feel like i am nagging her and somehow it always fall to me to ask

FFF - surely my Dh should be more attentive to me than his mother? She does bother but only when it suits her as i said.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 08/05/2007 14:29

Well... I'm not likely to be a granny any time soon, but I can imagine I would be MAD if I went to visit my son and got told "here you are, just look after the child for a bit will you". She might reasonably expect some hospitality on her infrequent visits. I'm not a great one for entertaining but when I do I don't expect my guests to help me with the housework or childcare. OK, she can't have it both ways and claim to be a doting granny at the same time as not reading to the GD etc, but that's her problem.

Am also failing to see what's so bad about taking her son to the pub on his birthday. She can't be monopolising him all day as the pubs aren't open for 24 hours! He sees you every day, he doesn't see her that often so they have catching up to do.

I don't know your whole situation, but that's the opposite view just to think about - is any of it fair in your case?

FiveFingeredFiend · 08/05/2007 14:37

not if she only visits occasionally. He sees your mug everyday.

Original poster

itsme123 · 08/05/2007 15:11

It sounds like i should get over myself. i do have a problem with people claiming to want to come and help out and babysit etc then when they get here, not to do anything; but want to go out and be waited on.
maybe that's what i really have the problem with.
FFF - yes you are right, my poor dh!!

OP posts:

thegardener · 08/05/2007 18:47

couldn't you go over to hers the weekend nearest your dh's birthday and all go out for a meal? then maybe stay in a hotel or drive home afterwards?

Sakura · 09/05/2007 00:03

No, I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. If his mother was interested in having a relationship with you or DH, she would be kind and loving. She would offer to see you and DD when it was convenient for both of you. She would be welcoming you into her home with a genuine smile on her face. It sounds like she just wants to control the special occasions in your life. Control freak! It sounds like your DH is under her thumb (mine was like this). Couldnt you have your birthday with DD then have a "special" one for grandma at another time with another cake etc. I would do this if I felt someone was forcing me to live by their timetable.

chipmonkey · 09/05/2007 01:17

Maybe too late for this year but next year organise a dirty weekend away for dh's birthday and ask her to come and look after dd!

Original poster

itsme123 · 09/05/2007 08:54

hi, just to let you all know, dh and i had a chat about this again last night and i suggested that mil and dh and dd meet in the middle somewhere for the day. Think this may happen a couple of times a year. Dh had not thought of this nor had he noticed his mum not willing to take holiday to see her granddaughter.
Sakura - you have a great point. Mil never had parties or birthday cakes for her own children and i think realises now that both they and she missed out. Think she knows that our dd will have fonder memories than her own children and is a bit miffed. (maybe)
Chipmonkey - have got that planned when dh hits a special birthday in a few years time!!

OP posts:

Ally90 · 09/05/2007 11:36

Oh the hypocritical grandmother/mother syndrome. Listen to what I say (I love children!), not what I do (I terrify/ignore them). I understand why you feel peed off having to ask the 'doting gm' to spend some time with gd reading a book. And also who is doing the extra housework/cleaning/washing/cooking for the visitor? Surely not too much to ask that she 'dotes' on her gd for a few minutes why you prepare yet another cup of tea/meal?

My mil came round the other week with our neice and they come to see our dd ESPECIALLY, however both IGNORE her, sitting by herself and obviously upset by the fact they are both ignoring her after she tries to play with them. DH ended up going over to comfort her as the 'doting grandmother' had not even noticed.

Meeting up halfway sounds like a good idea, and yeah, I think them going out to the pub leaves you out, but having said that they will want to catch up. Maybe better ways to do it...

Good luck!

Gayl · 17/05/2007 13:46

Hi, I just wondered if anyone has ever had to live with their MIL?!

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