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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating feels exhausting! Or maybe I have watched too many Disney films.....

49 replies

Bubblesandcake · 19/03/2018 18:32

Met a guy just before Christmas. First date lovely? 2nd date flowers....3rd date he cooked and told me to relax. 4th date I cooked and we have had a few more dates since (mainly at his) which brings me here....
He has a few issues at work and also with his ex regarding contact (none of my business as its only been a couple of months of dating). I am all for supporting your partner through bad/tough times but it seems to be topic of conversation on every date (his house), and it is mentioned most days via text/conversation. Obviously not the whole conversation but it's mentioned.
I am a student nurse in my final year and aswell as working and looking after my 2 dc's (with NO support from their father), I'm exhausted and very very poor most of the time. One comment was 'I'm used to dating rich women' another being 'why don't you work more if money is tight'. Apparently this is all banter. Nobody gets his sense of humour. He honestly does say lovely things too.....
Date before last, I picked him up from a friend's 45 mins away then back to his a further 20 mins. Stopped at the shop and bought my own wine. Made to watch a documentary on a sat night. Which is absolutely fine, but not my thing. The last date I cooked, bought the wine, washed the dishes, made breakfast in bed, washed up. Rubbed his feet (he asked), went off to work and he went to watch the rugby all day with friends.
Anyway....Im completely at a point where he has pushed my boundaries. He said at the beginning, you work so hard, I don't know how you do it, you need looking after. Tgere are other things he says which makes me question things...
The point is....I don't feel looked after. Am I expecting too much? I don't even know what to expect, I have been single so long.
I have had no desire to see him since sat or even speak to him. He has text me today to say 'when can I see you?' I felt exhausted just reading that. I just thought dating someone would feel special and I would use that time to get away from the stresses of life in general.

OP posts:

maxthemartian · 20/03/2018 09:19

From that last conversation he sounds absolutely awful. You will never get through to him. He is prickly and defensive and will turn every conversation into an argument that he then accused you of starting.
No wonder you're exhausted, I felt exhausted just reading that conversation never mind having to participate in it.
Short version feel free to dump him.

isthismylifenow · 20/03/2018 09:26

Yes. It sounds exhausting.

FinallyHere · 20/03/2018 09:29

^ what NotTheFordType said, hit the nail on the head.

springydaff · 20/03/2018 09:38

Ugh you're arguing - or he's arguing - like you've been together for years and have got to that stale, difficult stage as you bed into proper long term commitment. You've only been seeing each other a few months! It looks like he's continuing where his last relationship left off...

Your feeling of dread says it all. You've tried to talk like adults and he's made it all about him. He needs to up his game to get the girl.

Bin him already.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/03/2018 11:25

Yes, this is what I thought you were gearing up for last night. Taking all the advice to "bin him" as reassurance that you're not expecting too much (quite rightly) and then

not binning him
trying to change him

OP, nobody suggested that you persist with this and try to make him see the error of his ways. There was a good reason for that.

Don't throw away your precious time and energy on somebody who needs coaching just to treat you decently (always assuming the training even "works", and doesn't result in teenage tantrums - 'being mean' indeed!).

As is often said on here, at this stage it should be fun.

It's not fun. Why are you clinging on?

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 20/03/2018 12:20

I'm not clinging on....just thinking and reading advice here before knowing what to do next. I did actually feel I was being mean as I really don't think he even knows why I'm upset.

OP posts:

GeekyWombat · 20/03/2018 12:31

I don't know you're being mean. It's not mean to feel like you're incompatible. He could be right for someone else but not for you.

Honestly, it all just sounds like such hard work so early on.

DiplomaticBag · 20/03/2018 12:46

I did actually feel I was being mean as I really don't think he even knows why I'm upset.

But that's because he's thick, selfish and insensitive, OP, not because you've done anything remotely wrong or expected too much. Your 'relationship' is just adding to your already considerable workload of work, study and solo parenting -- it's not nurturing you, or sustaining you through tough days when the prospect of a date which is fun, romantic and exciting (and requires no work on your part) keeps you going. Unsurprisingly, you are exhausted at the prospect of seeing this guy, because he's just more work. And the killer thing is he's too dopey and selfish to see that, even after it's pointed out. He's clearly going to keep bleating 'But I COOKED for you!' forever, because he thinks he's the giver, and your date work (cooking, food purchase and preparation, breakfast in bed, footrubs etc etc) is invisible to him.

You are not expecting too much.

VetOnCall · 20/03/2018 13:52

After that last conversation OP it's pretty clear you're not expecting enough! He sounds really awful. As soon as you dare to question him he starts with the 'why are you being mean to me?' - it's simultaneously pathetic and manipulative. Likewise the 'sorry I exhaust you' 'sorry you had to rub my feet' - he's belittling your perfectly valid points and making out like you're being unreasonable and he's the poor little victim. You don't want to cook for him, you don't want him to see his kids... blah blah blah. He has the emotional age of a whiny teenager and he's not enhancing your life in any way. He'll always be the victim and you'll be the big meanie nagging him 'for no reason'. Ditch him OP, he's no good and he's no good for you.

blackeyes72 · 20/03/2018 13:55

It doesn't matter whether objectively things are right or wrong though, if it doesn't work for you then that's it.

You are both after different things and fwiw I would feel the same as you. Having a full time job with small kids means that a partner should be supporting not adding more work. He clearly isn't up to that or doesn't want to do it.

Masterpiece008 · 20/03/2018 14:04

OP, get rid of him! What value is he adding to your life? Sometimes, it's better to be alone with someone who drains your energy.

I have revised a test for myself and what's important in my life at this stage. If they fails the test, they are out! No excuses, no explanation....

ohamIreally · 20/03/2018 14:07

I would love to hear about your test Masterpiece.

Smeaton · 20/03/2018 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/03/2018 14:15

I did actually feel I was being mean as I really don't think he even knows why I'm upset.

And why were you upset? Because the two of you are not suited. He doesn't bring happiness into your life just by getting in touch. That's how it should be at this stage.

What would be mean would be to keep seeing him when it's clear that the two of you are not suited. (Or, to be blunt, he's making you miserable.)

If you say a clear, kind goodbye, then he knows where he stands.

"It's been fun, but let's leave it there. Good luck with your life."

Bexter801 · 20/03/2018 14:24

@WatsGoingOnEh he sounds perfect. I'm in a similar situation OP,am sick of seeing a guy that only pops round to mine(leaves me to go,oh you hungry,want wine,bla de bla de bla),I really wish he'd just be like,so was thinking how bout we go out,few drinks,nice dinner,or arrive at mine and be like,you chill,I'll cook.(can't go to his,sick relative there) It's draining,and frustrating....I keep thinking the guy I'm seeing is just shy,maybe he'll come round.....but if not,I'm definitely not going to spend all our time together,me being the entertainer. I would be honest with yourself,are you enjoying your time together....do you think now he'll try make more of an effort,will things get better,were you more content before he came along,is it worth it...

Bexter801 · 20/03/2018 14:26

@MasterPiece008 please do share a rough guide of your test

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 20/03/2018 15:13

Yes, that's exactly it. It's adding to my workload. Although I want to listen and be understanding to his situation, it's draining me and I feel guilty saying that out loud.
Yes, he should be taking me out but I can't say that to him can I? Last time I suggested going out he made a point of me not being able to afford to go out. It's true, I can't really afford to date.
He has been texting me this morning telling me it's my hormones...making a joke of me saying he exhausts me with a laughing emoji. He has absolutely no clue!

OP posts:

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 20/03/2018 15:51

The fact that he didn't show even 1% understanding or any empathy with your position whatsoever speaks volumes OP. I suspect he was exactly like this with his ex. He was happy doing the bare minimum, she got rid of him and he is looking to replace her with someone else that will do everything for him. He sounds like a petulant 12yo with a pet lip. Bin ASAP.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/03/2018 15:52

He should be taking you out? Why should he?

He's an adult. He gets to behave how he wants. The key thing here is that if you don't absolutely love your time with him, you can do the adult thing and move on.

You wouldn't want him to take you out just because that's what he should do.

You want to find somebody who wants to treat you like that.

Failing that, be prepared to be single. Don't stick with him as a fall back option.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/03/2018 15:56

He is really quite unpleasant, OP. All this mocking, along with the whining and complaining about his problems.

Smeaton · 20/03/2018 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekyWombat · 20/03/2018 17:56

Honestly I’d part ways for him thinking it’s ok to put any constructive comments about my feelings down to ‘my hormones’. Ugh.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 20/03/2018 19:08

Sorry, he just does not sound like a catch at all.

I would want a new-ish date to be a bit more keen to please (goes both ways)

He sounds like he can't be bothered to make an effort

Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 19:15

OP cut him out of your life. This 'relationship' is doing you no favours. It really should be fun! something like he takes you out - next time you buy food and cook it OCCAISONALLY if you can't afford to pay for going out, or go for a walk and coffee in a nice area, that sort of low cost thing That would be a far more equal way of going about things. He wants you not as a gf/partner but as a vessel to pour his imagined woes into, as well as a maid.
His hormones comment is also VERY telling. He doesn't regard women as real people. Just a bundle of hormones in a body that is purely there to service his needs, be it foot rubbing, cooking or sex.

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