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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me or him?

48 replies

tobbay · 19/03/2018 14:38

So I need some outside advice as I cant tell whether I am being too precious or he is rude and selfish...

We've been together 2.5yrs but don't live together as both have kids from previous marriages. Over the time, many things have happened where I've questioned if im being too needy or being treated badly.

So here are some examples:

Walked up Snowdon and got to a highly dangerous part and were both on hands and knees in snow and 70mph gusts and on a ledge! Obviously decided to turn back but i was petrified and needed help as kept slipping. He didn't wait.... just carried on and made sure he was safe. Another man heard me calling help and rescued me. When we were safe he didnt ask if I was ok, just ran off saying his hands were cold. That was also the reason he couldn't help me on the ledge.

Put all his own luggage in the car and then sat in while I juggled 3 bags and shoes.

Makes me pay half of everything, sometimes even petrol if i go in his car

On the mountain I was struggling as it's Steep! I asked if he would mind carrying my bag for 5 mins which he took but then said it wasn't fair on him so I reached to take it back and caught him on the arm.. he pushed me and said I was a f*** idiot.

Doesn't finish work on time to see me but will finish early for his kids or ex in a second.

Took me shopping to buy his ex mother's day presents and Christmas presents (I strongly think him and his kids should do that alone)

These are a few examples..

What do you think? Am I expecting too much and acting like a princess or is he rude in the way he acts??

Thanks

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 19/03/2018 16:06

LtB and think no more of it.

You will end up resentful of him and yourself if you don't get rid.

user1471499646 · 19/03/2018 16:12

He is rude and selfish. Bin him. He doesn't care enough about you.

Tiredmum100 · 19/03/2018 16:16

It's him. I climbed up snowdon last year, really struggled at times. My dh stayed and helped me the entire time, despite the rest of our party going on. I can't imagine him acting like your partner did. What good qualities does he have?

Original poster

tobbay · 19/03/2018 17:04

Well in the beginning he was amazing. So loving and attentive and perfect (ha) Smoother me in love...Would have done anything for me.... told me he loved me after 2 weeks, that I was his soulmate and destined to be together... I thought that I finally found real love.

Turns out it was more like love bombing and that t rapidly became clear that he'll do anything for his kids or job or house or ex and I dropped further and further down the priority list...

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/03/2018 17:05

he always makes out it's me who is being needy/pathetic/over analysing/high maintenance....

That alone is enough reason to dump him. He says he can't meet your needs. He says your needs are wrong. You have to have your needs not met, still meet his needs and stfu about it.

Always dump and run if you are made to feel "wrong" or "stupid" for not being compatible.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/03/2018 17:09

After 2 weeks he could not possibly have known you at all!

That should have had you worried not thinking you'd found true love.

He was effectively announcing that he thought you might match his idea of what consitutes his soulmate. This shows he wasn't interested in getting to know you as a person, only in having a girlfriend who did the girlfriend things he wants, anything off plan is bigh maintenance, needy etc. You are not the Stepford wife he was hoping for.

Thebluedog · 19/03/2018 20:29

Nope sod that, he’s a knob. Bin him

sparklepops123 · 19/03/2018 21:12

Please let us know you've dumped his ass ( and how well you did it )

ALittleBitConfused1 · 20/03/2018 07:19

IME if you have to ask that question then it's them not you, do you find yourself asking that question in any of your other relationships?
The mountain thing and swearing at me would be enough to have ended it in my eyes. Whats the point if you haven't got each others back in dangerous/scary situations. You should want to make sure your loved ones are safe.
That being said I would always expect to pay of half of things (my share).
I did used to pick up pressies for the ex dc mum when we were together. If I saw a little gift set I knew she would like around Christmas or birthdays etc I would get it.
And the whole bags thing well that wouldn't bother me either I don't mind putting my own luggage in cars but I would have made a point of saying well you could've helped.

Doh9899 · 20/03/2018 07:30

I understand paying half but you'd think after 2.5 years it wouldn't matter as much. Tbh this all sounds like miscommunication

Namethecat · 20/03/2018 07:36

Tbh if you don't live together and are separately bringing up your own children - then the job is already half done. Just tell him the marriage is over and close your own front door.

HisBetterHalf · 20/03/2018 07:38

Fuck him off. Why are you with him? Sounds a selfish piece of shit

Original poster

tobbay · 20/03/2018 07:40

I don't mind paying half but I still buy him things nowadays whether it's a coffee or a meal..... but being charged for petrol is a bit much don't you think??

OP posts:

Smeaton · 20/03/2018 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 20/03/2018 07:47

If someone was giving me lifts as a regular basis then I would offer petrol.
And if we were going away together then I would expect to pay half of the travel costs, petrol for example.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2018 07:47

Being charged for petrol here is the least of your problems.

What needs of yours are still being met here, what are you getting out of this relationship now?. Think on that.

Its not you, its him. He is treating you badly and is also now dragging you down with him. Such charming but dangerous lovers are lovely in the beginning and I would suggest you read "The Loser" by Dr Joe Carver.

Original poster

tobbay · 20/03/2018 08:40

I'm not talking about big trips... I would always offer petrol. I'm talking popping to the supermarket or taking the kids to a park... whete "normal people would just take it in turns yo drive, I had to pay each time he drove...

OP posts:

Original poster

tobbay · 20/03/2018 08:40

And AttilaTheMeerkat you are right...

OP posts:

ALittleBitConfused1 · 20/03/2018 09:09

Then if it's not always him paying for petrol and you take turns just add it to the list of reasons to end it.

Smeaton · 20/03/2018 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luckingfovely · 20/03/2018 09:15

It's him. Not you. And he won't change. Don't listen to his shit one more single time. Ditch him today and have a much much happier life without him.

thethoughtfox · 20/03/2018 09:34

He would have let you die on a snowy mountain ledge?????

Chasingstars88 · 20/03/2018 10:08

The only thing and I mean only thing I agree with him on, is paying half of everything! Oh and yeah be should finish early to see his kids. But ex? Not so much..

But he SHOULD also put effort I'm with you.

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