We have agreed to separate, there’s no way back. I’ve seen a solicitor - why can’t I start the divorce?

[Hadron21]

Maybe it’s because he wants 50/50 and I’m worried he will get it. So, at least living together I see the kids every day.
I hate the thought of him meeting someone else and playing happy families with my children.
I don’t think I can afford the house on my own.
It’s the next logical step but I can’t do it. I’m unhappy, lonely and so scared. I feel like I’m living a lie as no one knows. It’s exhausting.
I don’t know what to do.

Hi Hadron,

I didn't want to read and run. Why does no-one know? Do you have family or friends you can talk to?

It's quite natural to feel scared when you're facing a lot of big changes. Do you have a solicitor sorted?

It is really scary but people assure me that you can come out the other side! Just remember that if it's over there is nothing you can do but go forwards. Take small steps and get good legal advice. Be strong and be prepared to fight your case.

I’ve got legal advice and know it’s the way to go. After years of getting on each other’s nerves I’m suddenly thinking about how we were at the start and when we got married.
I don’t know if it’ll get worse or better being in this state. I keep thinking ‘I’ll do it next week, after this event, once I feel strong enough’. I know it’s just avoiding the hard stuff.

Why would you care if he got 50/50 he’s their father.
Why would you care if he met someone else and was happy.
Genuine questions? Because if you don’t want to be with anyone anymore then surely you can be adult enough to wish them a good relationship with their kids and eventually with someone else.
It seems a very odd reason to stay with someone, almost just to spite them.

Because I didn’t have children not to live with them half the time. I’ll miss them and want to be with them.
Part of me still loves him so I’m sad we’re not together.
I wish I could switch my feelings off like you could.

You are experiencing a very valid and truthful state. You are feeling weak; you are wondering about all the rosy days of when you first met and got married.

You didn't want it to end up like this. And you are valid in your feelings about another woman parachuting in and being a second mother to your children; playing happy families and living the life you thought you'd have.

It's entirely legitimate and valid.

Be calm, by your own admission you've decided to separate and you've been getting on each other's nerves for years. This is a process. You need to separate your emotions from the practicalities of divorce.

It's not easy - I know. But take small steps. Remind yourself why you are separating. Write yourself a letter, as if you were writing to him, about all the reasons you are divorcing, any little moment however insignificant it may have seemed at the time; write it down.

It's a step by step process. Some women can go in guns-blazing over a divorce and others need a bit of time to process and reflect. You sound like you are in the latter group.

It's a rollercoaster - sometimes you will feel like you have wind beneath your wings and at others you will want to hide in a dark corner and avoid life.

All I can say is that these are all natural responses. You just get cracking. The longer the apathy, the longer the pain.

This is the end of the road and you must act. For your own sanity, if for nothing else.

Why wouldn't he get 50/50. In fact depending on the circumstances more blokes are becoming the primary carer. They is no longer any assumption that the mother gets primary carer.

Tough but they are both your children with mutual responsibilities towards them. You are unhappy in your marriage so will have to decide if you will be more unhappy not seeing them everyday and for block periods during the holidays as well depending on your husbands circumstances.

Some people stay together in unhappy marriages until the kids are grown up. Not nice but I guess they think it is preferable or at least one party does

Why would you care if he got 50/50 he’s their father.
Why would you care if he met someone else and was happy.

I find it utterly bizarre to ask that! It's the toughest bit of separation surely for any parent. I can't imagine any loving parent - mother or father is happy with shared contact, whether it's the best thing for the DC or not. Of course, because it usually is good for the DC to have time with both parents, we make it work. It's still incredibly sad.

OP, it's a huge change to contemplate. Is there anyone you can talk to? Would you consider a counsellor to help sort your thoughts.

I'm nearly out the other side and I can say that I would never have believed it but you do get through. You do get used to a new normal. I would even say that you can make it work well for the children if you can work together.

Right now it will feel impossible but you will be amazed at the strength you'll find.

stillunconvinced thank you.
I’m not saying that I don’t want him to have the children out of spite I just want to live with my children all the time. That’s normal.
I’m not wishing him unhappiness I just can’t imagine another woman around my children in a motherly role.
I wish I’d not started this thread now.
I can’t just get over these feelings. If it was all that simple the relationships board would be empty.
I feel rejected. I loose living with my boys. I’m going to loose the house. Financially I’ll be screwed but he will be fine.
I’m so scared.

You're grieving. It's natural and healthy to do so. However, you shouldn't let it stop you from proceeding with the divorce. The best thing you can do is learn to co-parent amicably with your STBXH. You will miss your DCs, especially at first, but you will learn to fill the time with new things. It will be a big change, but you and your STBXH both have it within your gift to make it the best it can be.

So let yourself feel sad, but find the strength to move on. Good luck.

I'm going through a separation and am second guessing every thing. It's my decision after years of unhappiness. I just feel so guilty about every thing. Hope you're okay

Hadron21 and others

I can really relate to VladmirsPoutine post. There have been and still are ups and downs for me. I had moments of certainty and heartbreaking times of doubt. But these different feelings gradually got less extreme and the certainty lasts longer. I can't say I'm ever 100% certain it was the right decision. But I am 100% certain that we can and are making happy lives for our children.

I agonised about ruining their lives yet they adapted so well. At first time apart was unbearable, sometimes now I enjoy packing them off and flopping into bed for a good night's sleep. In the early days I honestly would not have believed I'd ever say that.

You've seen a lawyer so presumably you've had financial advice. But if it leaves you in a terrible position and he'll be fine I wonder if you have had good advice? I'm not an expert but perhaps worth talking to someone else or posting on legal here.

I’m sorry I didn’t mean it to come across harshly. I just know some people that have stayed with their oh because of the same reasons you state, and all I can see is it totally damaging their children.
There won’t ever be anyone that takes your place, and they might have a much better relationship with both you and your dh in the end, spending proper quality time with each of you.

You only have one life, and there are sometimes threads on here asking if people regret leaving and the overwhelming consensus is no.

Any change is scary, but sometimes you’ve got to just take a leap into the unknown

Hi op, I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from, I am separated but something had been stopping me from proceeding with divorce, just not been able to do it. I am now cross with myself for not doing it sooner.

Be kind to yourself. Divorce is sad, you don't get married expecting it, so you are grieving for the future you thought you would have. It is scary, but I promise it gets easier.
Have you looked on the gov.uk divorce pages? I found them useful and very straightforward. It may be too soon for you, but I thought it might demystify the process, so that you know what to expect, when you're ready. Good luck

What's the rush. Slow down and take it one day at a time. Instead of focusing on what you dont want and cant do, focus on what you want, what you can achieve and what might nake you and your boys happy ?

Thanks everyone. I’ve spoken to a couple of solicitors and know where I’m heading. I just can’t physically start the process.
We have spent the last year faking it so no one knows how far apart we’ve drifted.
I have a large group of friends so can’t just tell one as they will all know. Can’t face telling parents etc

i'm mid divorce, just got stuck halfway and needed to take a few months off. Now about ready to resume. I needed the time off to gather my energy and willpower. I spent some days in a right mess of fear and upset and I expect some more will come my way before its over.

It's not a smooth process, and it's exhausting. As well as dealing with the emotional ups and downs you also have to learn and do so much - solicitors, processes, payments, mortgages, etc. etc. And for me it I still go back and forth about the decision itself, it's taken a long time to move from 'I know the marriage is over' to 'and now I'm ready to take on all the consequences of that - finance, housing, children - and live with second guessing'.

There's no 'right' timescale. It's a big deal. Are you able to pause for a few weeks - or more - to get used to your decision and your next steps without any pressure to do anything, and then move on when you're ready?

Consider the alternatives. How many more years of your life do you choose to live like this?

We are still living together so there’s no option to move forward while we are living like this.
He’s not bothered so emotionally it’s killing me. Some days I barely function.
I don’t do to social things as I’m a wreck. I am afraid of where I am and where I’m going.

I think you're waiting for the "big thing" to happen - perhaps for him to do something so unforgiveable that you can't get past it, and that will remove the mental blockage. I'm not sure it ever will happen like that. More likely, the more you live in this limbo state, the more it will kill the last vestiges of love so that one day you will look at him and think "I really am done now".

What I did in my wavering pre-divorce state was force myself to stop thinking about why I couldn't/shouldn't do this or that and start working out how to make it work. And then the thought of the future became quite exciting. (Insofar as there was a "this is it" moment it was when he told his sister we were divorcing - which had not been on the cards at that point - and started describing how we would sort things. I suddenly realised it could be done and the rest was just getting on with it, basically.) But then I'd got to the stage where every last crumb of affection had been trampled underfoot and there was no way I could stay in that relationship. I'd have killed myself sooner (and that would hardly have benefitted the DC!).

As for the children: have you and he discussed possible arrangements? Would he want and is it realistic for him to have 50-50? Some fathers step up, become fabulous parents (with or without a decent stepmother in the frame), while the mother learns to value her free time. After all, children grow up and naturally spend more and more time apart from their parents - that's supposed to happen, it's good for them. Other fathers blow out of their children's lives altogether, typically when they meet another woman. You would have your children full time then, but they wouldn't have their father. You know the saying "you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs"... The one thing you can't have is life continuing exactly as it is but with the irritant miraculously removed!

How come he will be fine financially, and you won't?

Also, is 50/50 the best for your DCs? I thought that it was thought best that they have a main home and have EOW and maybe a weekday visit or overnight with the NRP? I think you need to discuss this with someone. Sorry, it's sounds very tough for you.

Logistically would you both be able to manage 50/50? Is it both practical and the best scenario for the kids? If your husband works long hours then how would he manage having the children? And obviously the same questions go for you.

He has his own business so pays himself minimum wage but benefits in other ways. So I’ll get nothing if he gets 50/50 despite him earning far, far more than me. This is where I don’t feel ready for the ‘fight’ as it will be a battle to get anything resembling fair.

I have a flexible job so do most of the childcare, well all really.
The eldest has adhd and I think wouldn’t cope with constant changes where he is living. It’s undiagnosed (it’s a long process) but he’s got it. He needs routine and organisation.
My husband seems to have erased the past and is very practical about the future. I’m stuck in an emotional state.
Someone mentioned above about waiting for the ‘big thing’ that sets you on the path and it’s not going to happen while we play happy families.

His income from dividends instead of salary will be taken into account. It isn't as bad as you think. Talk to a solicitor, this is a v normal situation.