Never wants to come back to bed

[babayjane67]

I've been with my dp for 11 yrs&we have a 9 yr old dd.
He has some strange ways sometimes&I just usually put up with them. Will some time have a moan at him about it.
I was awake first yesterday dd was still asleep.dp woke&went to bathroom then came back picked up his clothes&went to walk out,asking if I wanted a cuppa.i said yes please but do you wanna have a cuddle?
He said his usual oooh I'm up now in a grumpy way.so I said don't bother.he said it's not that I don't want to love but I'm up now!
He's always the same unless I catch him before he gets up.he also never wants to come back to bed&have a cuppa&a chat or anything either.
We're both in our early 50s.
It probably sounds very trivial opposed to other people's problems but it gets to me.
He's good in a lot of ways.hes a hard worker,a good dad who does lots with dd.just things like this get to me.

Must admit, once I'm out of bed, I don't get back into it. Unless I've woken in the middle of the night for a pee!

I’m the same

I can't go back to bed once I'm up. My OH can get up, walk the dog, have breakfast and then go back to bed for a sleep, but once I'm up, dressed and doing, it's more effort to get back in than just keep going!

My OH also falls asleep in his chair and in front of the TV though, so I'm not going to be copying his behaviour any time soon.

Some people just don't like lounging around a bed, I am like your DH - I like to get up and get on with the day ............. my DH probably would like me to go back to bed and have a cuddle he would hope it leads to sex but it just doesn't appeal to me (mind you, I don't even share a bedroom with my DH ).

I never get the appeal on Mumsnet when people argue over who's turn it is to 'lie in'. But we are all different, why let this bother you if you have an otherwise happy relationship?. If you are both in your 50s it is unlikely either of you are going to change.

Some people genuinely don’t like cuddles. And once they are up, they are up.

Talk to him, outside of the bedroom & let him know how this is making you feel. I think a lot of people would be oblivious to what you want and are asking, so you’ll need to spell it out

I hate getting out of my nice warm bed in this weather, but once I have made that monumental effort and braved the freezing air of the bathroom I'm feeling pretty satisfied with myself for not being lazy, and would probably be a bit annoyed to have someone choose that moment to encourage me to laze about, nice though cuddling is. At that point I've got my "getting up" cap on. And when you come back in you notice that the bedroom needs airing!

Personally I am also quite pleased if my partner offers me a coffee, which necessarily involves him getting up :)

Why can't you have a cuppa and chat in the kitchen? You can even cuddle there too, you know! Or are you both a bit set in your ways?

Thanks for all yr replies.
Yes Raven we can cuddle anywhere that's true&we do sometimes have a cuppa&chat in the kitchen.I always have to ask for a cuddle but usually always get one when I ask other than in bed.
Same with kisses really.hes never been very demonstrative&always been the same regarding any intimacy.our sex life is non existent but that isn't all down to him.weve had problems.
I don't want to change him per se as he's good in other ways.just that it's getting to me mire lately I guess.
Thanks again.

I wouldn’t want to get back in once I was up! Not sure why but definitely not. God I’d love it if my DH got up first and made me a cup of tea! That happens on a Sunday and that’s it.. I like the bed to myself though and I like knowing he’s up playing with Dd and being useful

He's never been very demonstrative.. our sex life is non existent

I think that's your answer. He doesn't like intimacy and is probably leaping out of bed as soon as he wakes to avoid sex.
I'm not sure how you can resolve that but it must be hard for you to feel continually rejected.

My Oh is like this.. once he’s up he doesn’t come back to bed, ever.

It can be lost yes.i dont think he does it deliberately to avoid sex I think its just how he is.im much more demonstrative than he is&I've always 9 times out 10 made the first move for any kisses cuddles or sex.
He prefers me to be in control all the time in the bedroom whereas I like the man to be sometimes.its about 5 years since we've had sex but as I say it isn't all his fault it's mine too as I've had lots of gyny problems over the time including pain with sex.weve both just given up with that I think.he did actually make the first move the last time we tried but I just switched off after a while&said it'd gone.neither if us has tried since.

Do you find it a problem JK?

It's definitely part of the problem I think Addict yes.
I'm not really sure how we get that back.
He wouldn't be up for any sort if counselling I don't think.

but I just switched off after a while&said it'd gone

That sounds quite brutal: it would take a lot of confidence to try again after that!

Do you want to start having sex again? Can you talk about it with him?

I know it sounds horrible but was trying to be honest.
We never talk about any problems we have.when I've tried in the past he gets straight in the defensive&puts it back into me or he avoids it all together.ive tried to set up a time in the being with him to talk but then he just says he's too tired.so I've given up!

That does sound difficult. I think you're right- it's all tied up in the problems you've had over the last few years with sex.
That said, if he's always shied away from cuddling and being affectionate that's different to it being a recent problem? I mean was he ever one for just being close and cuddling in bed? Perhaps he's frustrated with doing that in bed as he knows if won't lead to anything?

I'm not an expert in this sort of thing though! Maybe you could reach a compromise somewhere? He could agree to waking you up for a cuddle and chat before he gets up at the weekend or something?

My dh is the same with talking about emotions or feelings in our relationship. He totally clams up and finds it unbearable. I think quite a few men do.
Hopefully you can find some middle ground. He sounds like a decent guy.

Thanks lost.
No he's never been one for cuddling in bed&chatting etc unless it led to sex.
Maybe we can come to some sort if compromise I don't know.its very difficult when he won't talk about anything!
Yes I think you're right lack of communication is a man thing.