My husband won't have sex with me

[Lemmon3101]

Hi all, I appreciate this is quite a deep first post haha, I've joined this forum as I've read threads on here a few times and I've always been pleasantly surprised at how helpful and nice everyone seems to be, so I'm hoping someone can give me some much needed advice.

I've been with my husband now for 11 years. We've got a great relationship, I married my best friend, and he's a truly fantastic guy, apart from one problem.
Put simply, we just don't have sex any more. He wasn't always like this - although he's never been adventurous in the bedroom, he used to have a pretty normal sex drive, but over around the last 7 years this has gradually reduced more and more. He never makes the first move (and when I do, more often than not it's rebuffed). He's also stopped doing oral, we only ever do it in one position. Put simply, it's also got boring. I'm really sorry if that's too much information, I'm just trying to be as honest as I can.

We've had multiple conversations about it, and on the few occasions he's opened up to me, he says he simply doesn't think about sex any more. He says the urge is gone. He's got massive confidence issues and says he doesn't know how to make the first move any more and he 'doesn't feel like a man'. He's had a few other problems and was consequently diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago and has been on anti-depressants since then. The tablets seemed to have helped with everything else but the sex. We've been back to the doctors a couple of times, but they don't seem to take it seriously at all.

I'm at my wits end - I love him dearly, but at 30 years old I feel like what should be the best years of our lives are being destroyed by this. I used to be a confident person but I'm really becoming a shadow of that after so long. I feel unattractive and unwanted even though he assures me time and time again it's not me.

I really want to know if anyone has ever had anything similar to this and if they got through it and how? We've been looking into sex therapy through relate - has anyone done this? Did it work? What does it entail?

Really would appreciate any help.

[Mellifera]

Good luck, I hope your therapist is really good.

You sound lovely and your relationship sounds worth saving.
I’m not saying you should stay if things don’t improve, but the fact he is willing to go to therapy with you is hugely positive.

He may also want to look into therapy on his own, counselling is not the same.

[ThirdTimeUnlucky]

Oh, so he doesn't have ED issues, from that I presume he can pleasure himself? Maybe that's another can of worms. Too much self-pleasuring, porn use - lost the desire to have sex for real. It's a common scenario.
Please don't shoot me down in flames, I am not implying anything but it's just an idea.

[RatherBeRiding]

If he's been suffering stress/depression long term, that can have an effect on the libido. Anti depressants are notorious for being libido killers. Weight gain, crap diet, lack of exercise, poor self care, lack of energy - libido killers. It's probably a combination of different things - plus, I hate to say it, but sometimes desire just dies a death if you've been together a long time.

If it's the case for both of you and you are happy leading a largely celibate "best friends but not lovers" kind of existence, then that's great. The problem comes when one of still wants an active sex life.

At least he is acknowledging the problem and seeking some advice. Hope it does well!

[Branleuse]

if this has been going on years, then I would see if you can salvage a good friendship from it, but move on, as this is half a relationship and if he is now pretty much asexual, then he is never going to make you happy

[Idobelieveinfairies2018]

aw op I'm right there with u hun. I'm only 32 (almost) and been with my dh 12 years. It used to be multiple times a day but in the last 5 years I'm lucky if I get any once a month. It hurts wen ur the 1 to be making the moves all the time only to be turned down. Makes u not want to bother.


Is ur dh older than u by any chance? My dh is a fair bit older than me (40) and I'm pretty sure his lack of intrest is down to him passing his peak where as I'm slap in the middle of mine?
Also I've found wot makes it worse is that I've always had a higher sex drive than dh.


It won't help in my case as dh won't see 1, (thinks I'm a 'nympo' so my point of view is skewed apparently) but I hope u get help with therapy as a sexless marriage is no fun at all and could/will lead to future problems.
xx

[JJ2014]

Just came across this thread. I’m in the same boat, sex twice in 3 years. I’m 39 and at my wits end, not sure what to do either! My problem is that I’d like another baby before it’s too late, but he won’t have sex. He said he wants lots and lots of play before hand so he can get on the mood. I now can’t be bothered as he won’t even meet half way for a quick romp to get back to at least something! OP - what happened at the end of the year?